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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Having an affair

41 replies

imthebadone · 22/12/2012 19:23

Have name changed. Also can't really believe I'm posting this.

Over the past couple of months I have posted here about my pretty awful marriage. But this is no excuse, I know. About 2 weeks ago I started an affair with a colleague. We were away with a work thing and, completely mutually, it just started.

I have been with dh for 20 years. We have 3 dc. Things have not been good for a long time (I haven't had sex with him for more than 2 years) but I always vowed I would never cheat. I actually quite wanted dh to cheat so that I would have a good excuse to split up. The man I'm having the affair with is also married. He has grown up children. He is overweight, older than me, and not conventionally attractive. But he makes me feel so good about myself. He listens to me, talks to me and we have extraordinary sex. Up until a fortnight ago I thought I had no sex drive. Now I realise that I do have a libido, it is just not directed towards dh.

I'm scared about what might happen. I'm under no illusions that this affair will probably not last, and that the chances of me and the other man having a future together are very slim. I know I ought to stop, but I haven't felt so alive in years and years (decades in all honesty).

Please talk me out of this. Tell me how stupid I'm being. Or is there a chance that the fact I have been so knocked off my feet could also mean that the problems in my marriage are too big to sort out? I don't know if I'm coming or going at the moment.

OP posts:

jenny99 · 22/12/2012 19:27

Have you tried working on your marriage? Do you want to?

Original poster

imthebadone · 22/12/2012 19:31

Not really. I have been fantasising about leaving him for about 4 years but haven't for lots of reasons. Firstly, I wanted the dc to have a stable home. Secondly, I was/am very scared about the prospect of setting up alone. (this is still the case, there's no chance the other man and I would be building a life together in the near future). Thirdly, I thought it didn't matter. I thought I could live without sex, intimacy and love. I thought I was strong enough to live effectively separate lives but within the structure of a 'normal' family home. I'm now reconsidering whether it can all be possible.

OP posts:

bluebiscuit · 22/12/2012 19:31

Affairs with colleagues are cliches. You are in an artificial environment away on business - food provided, no chores, no family stuff to deal with etc etc.

Bet this man doesn't bother with his actual wife at all. Sounds like a prize catch.

Original poster

imthebadone · 22/12/2012 19:32

Bluebiscuit - you're absolutely right. I'm not contemplating a future with this man. But it has raised whether the life I'm currently leading is sustainable.

OP posts:

Original poster

imthebadone · 22/12/2012 19:33

And really, I'm the shittier of the two - I'm the one with 3 dc at home (all under 10). His dc are all grown up and independent.

OP posts:

Abitwobblynow · 22/12/2012 19:42

But he makes me feel so good about myself.

which is the whole point of an affair. You see yourself reflected in their admiring eyes.

As someone who has been cheated on, it really, really hurts to hear about the extraordinary sex.

I love a bit of it but I can't compare with that

bluebiscuit · 22/12/2012 19:44

What are the problems in your own marriage? I would think that if you have had 10 decent years of marriage, you have a good chance of fixing even a serious problem.

I don't mean to be awful, but are you sure that your dh is not having an affair? Am suggesting this due to the lack of sex.

ArthurandGeorge · 22/12/2012 19:47

Leave your h. Not to have a relationship with this man but because clearly your marriage is over.

jenny99 · 22/12/2012 19:51

I think that if I was you I would probably at least try and work on my marriage before deciding it's over?

Or work out what has gone wrong?

Abitwobblynow · 22/12/2012 19:56

'I thought I was strong enough to live effectively separate lives but within the structure of a 'normal' family home. I'm now reconsidering whether it can all be possible.'

Yes, me too.

Original poster

imthebadone · 22/12/2012 20:15

I don't love dh. Don't think I ever have. I have liked him a lot in the past. We have never had a very good sexual relationship. I thought it didn't matter to me as I thought I had a very low libido too.

The reason that we haven't had sex in more than 2 years is because he betrayed me badly (not an affair or anything like that, just let me down badly) and I couldn't touch him for a long time. Then I got out f the habit. He would like us to have a sxual relationship again. I just don't want it.

There have been many times in the past when I have seriously contemplated leaving, but haven't, generally for very practical reasons (often financial), also because I have pretty low self esteem and figure that I don't really deserve any more than I've got.

I know there are so many women on this board who have been on the receiving end of their partner's affair. I need to hear how destructive I'm being and how it's not possibly worth it. I also do think that if I'm going to leave dh then I need to finish the affair first, and leave for the 'right' reasons ie. that my marriage has no more mileage in it, not because of the other man, although he may have been the catalyst for the whole situation.

Such a mess.

OP posts:

startlife · 22/12/2012 20:33

It seems like you have carried resentment towards your H and that has killed off your feelings towards him.

What effort did you both make to fix the issues in your relationship? Have you tried counselling?

I think you need to consider how your dc's will feel if and when they find out about your affair. Think of the impact on them. Your behaviour is selfish and irresponsible. It's highly likely the OM is a serial cheater and has done this lots of times before.

Where does your H think you are when you are with the OM?

Original poster

imthebadone · 22/12/2012 20:36

I tried to talk to dh about what happened 2 years ago. He said I was being stupid and refused to talk about it. He is a neanderthal where it comes to emotions, and can't get feelings, only logical explanations. So there's no hope at working out problems. He simply wouldn't try. I have to put up, or get out. So far I've been putting up...

OP posts:

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 22/12/2012 20:38

Sometimes in life, if you're the dithering type that tends to prevaricate, you need something drastic to happen in order to prompt a change. For the person who keeps talking about leaving their job but never does, getting made redundant forces their hand and probably does them a favour.

This the something drastic, the kick in the pants. Your marriage is crap, it needs to end and what is far, far more damaging & destructive than having an affair is sticking around in a relationship that is completely dead in the water. Damaging for you, for your husband and potentially for your kids.

Yes, finish the affair first because it won't help your self-esteem. But finish your marriage as well - and looking for the 'mileage' thing is just more excuse to delay & prevaricate incidentally - and regain some self-respect and confidence. You've had your eyes opened.... seize the opportunity. Good luck

NilentSight · 22/12/2012 20:39

No you don't need to hear from women or men who have been on the receiving end of their spouses fucking around. You don't DESERVE to hear my story because at the end of the day, if you REALLY gave a damn about your husband, or your children or this mans wife and children, then you'd take a long hard look in the mirror and find the guts to walk away from the family that you have betrayed and lied to.
And yeah - you might have to make do without your second car and rent a shitty flat but that's the price you will have to pay for signing out of your marriage without facing the issues head on.

Mynewmoniker · 22/12/2012 20:46

A bit harsh Nilent? . IMHP The OP doesn't deserve that; she's in turmoil herself and has been for some years.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 22/12/2012 20:56

Sometimes - and I know it's not a popular view around here - affairs happen because of a crap marriage. Sometimes marriages turn crap because someone has affairs. Yes, it's shitty if you're the cheated-on one in the equation but it can be equally shitty to be the one in a bad marriage feeling under pressure to 'work on the relationship', 'try harder', 'put up with it for the kids'. Shitty enough to reduce self-esteem to the point where any scrap of affection, however inappropriate, seems a good idea.

Mynewmoniker · 22/12/2012 21:00

Well said Cog. And no...I have never had an affair but have struggled in marriage...as have lots of people.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 22/12/2012 21:08

Loneliness does terrible things to people. OP you mention low self-esteem and thinking a loveless marriage is all you deserve. It's not difficult to see why you'd be flattered by someone showing you attention but trust me, if you already have low confidence and you are a decent person in other respect, you do not want to get roped into an 'OW' relationship because you will sink like a stone. You're already hating yourself....

Please look into the realities of life as an independent woman. See a solicitor, work out a few numbers, run through some options with a friend. We all need love in life but some types are not worth having.

Dottiespots · 22/12/2012 21:11

This is obviously a big wake up call for you to decide what you and your husband are going to do. How would you really feel if you found out that your husband was having an affair. Imagine him having all that amazing sex with a pretty woman who thinks he is gorgeous and a stud. How do you feel. It can be very telling as sometimes it can make you feel jealous to imagine the scenario. If you feel any jealousy then maybe the marriage can be saved and the feelings reignited for each other. If not then you need to end the affair that is potentially sooo hurtful to his wife and then talk to your husband about having a separation to see how you both feel. Then you can assess your feelings away from him and move on from there.

Hatpin · 22/12/2012 21:19

If you had to give up the OM tomorrow, could you? Would you? I've been exactly where you are, and with the benefit of hindsight I would end your marriage, but stop all involvement with the OM. Despite what you say, I think you are hopeful about a future with him. Against the odds. Believe me, grieving a marriage and the loss of the man you left for (don't kid yourself, that is what you are doing) - either when his wife finds out and he ends it, or when you have to end it because he won't leave, is very, very hard.

You say you have low self esteem - if you continue the affair with OM it will get lower. Feeling the rejection of two men at once is tough.

End the affair, and concentrate on the practicalities of ending your marriage with support from family / friends.

I agree that in all likelihood the OM is a serial adulterer.

cronullansw · 22/12/2012 21:29

@Hatpin - why will op's self esteem get any lower is she continues this affair? Great sex, and feeling desired, even if it is only for sex, can only boost self esteem.

Op, you have kids. They must come first, you brought them into this world, now it is your duty to protect, care for, educate. You have to stay with hubby until the kids are old enough to not be affected, so you've got at least another 5 years of this.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 22/12/2012 21:31

Oh ffs cronullansw..... She 'has' to do nothing of the fucking kind.

Mynewmoniker · 22/12/2012 21:41

Cron..., what about protecting, caring for kids from a loveless marriage? Why can't she educate them about role modelling taking action instead of sticking in a pit. The kids may know quite a lot about the unhappiness in the house already.

NilentSight · 22/12/2012 21:42

Harsh maybe. But affairs ARE harsh. The reality and the fall out are harsh. The pain, the lies, the deceit are all harsh.

And for me, people who have affairs follow the same script. They check out of their marriage because the kids are stressy, the bills are horrendous, it's all work and no play, the old sparks die down and their ego needs stroking. They distance themselves from the marriage, become distant and snappy and then blame the marriage for the affair.

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