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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DP sleeps too much during the day.

177 replies

Mytimewillcome · 22/12/2012 16:29

I know alot of men have 'naps' during the day but he can sleep practically the whole day leaving me with 2 children under the age of three. I am waking up for the baby during the night and if our other DC wakes up. He doesn't wake up at all. If he is asleep then I obviously can't catch up. I have started going out without him at weekends and am worried that we'll end up having separate lives with him just sleeping the whole weekend and me spending it on my own with my children. Does anyone have any practical advice or did anyone manage to change their DP from being a lazy git to someone more dynamic or is it a lost cause?

OP posts:

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HipHopOpotomus · 29/12/2012 00:15

I have reached the end of my tether with P's "napping". It dominates his days off one way or another.

I have been sick in bed for 3 days with a bad case of tonsillitis (fever, sweats, shakes, throat of glass the lot) so missing out on precious days off with my 2 dd's and I SWEAR the man is jealous. He has been so hostile to me since I've been laid up.

I'm over it. Absolutely over it. Either he has a medical condition (he doesn't) or he is disengaging with family life or me specifically.

I don't even want to talk about it now. Tried to talk about it many times - got no where. One day soon this man will look back and realise his desire to 'nap' has destroyed life as he knows it.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2012 00:19

I am sorry HipHop, but the situation he finds himself is entirely of his own making

I expect, as is usual, you have made very many rationalisations, compromises and a gazillion chances along the way

time to get off the pot

ohforfoxsake · 29/12/2012 00:22

Depends on what he told the GP. If he said 'I work really, really hard and am woken 4 times a night by the kids but my wife insists i come to see you' then maybe that spin on it makes the solution (nap more) seem obvious.

But if he went and said 'I'm worried, I can't help falling asleep, something is wrong with me' then the GP might explore the causes.

I can only speak from my experience, and although my DH is prone to lazyfuckeritis, this wasn't the cause of his napping.

HipHopOpotomus · 29/12/2012 00:33

Yes AF that is true, but I have had several moments of clarity these last few days. I can't go on like this.

He has taken dds to his Mums tonight (tried to leave 18 month old with me but I insisted he took both or none - the little one is more demanding of course) so tonight, for the first time in over 2 years I am very much hoping to sleep through and wake when I'm ready (or when I needs to take my anti bs whichever comes first). Night night

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2012 00:37

night night, HipHop, get some restorative sleep (and you know where we are)

Lueji · 29/12/2012 02:47

Sundry, my point was that he should try to get to the bottom of his sleepiness, or step up at home, or leave.

Mytimewillcome · 29/12/2012 09:17

HipHopOpotomus this is exactly my situation as well. In all this time while he has been saying he is ill I too have had a cold and have carried on. I remember when my youngest was only 8 weeks old and I had a 24 hour vomiting bug he then decided he was ill as well so when I was throwing up and trying to look after my toddler and breastfeed my baby he was laying on the sofa saying he wasn't well and as usual had absolutely no symptoms.

And guess where he is at the moment. Yes. In bed.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2012 10:48

OP, can you see any way to change this situation ? Or you will end up where HipHop is...preparing to end her relationship.

Mytimewillcome · 29/12/2012 12:40

I don't know AnyFuckerForAMincePie I basically woke him up this morning at 9.30 and told him to either engage with the family and stop napping or go to his parents. He has gone to his parents. They are 4 hours away. He thinks I am in the wrong and told me that he is sleeping to 'get away from my whiny voice'. I rely on him to take the children to nursery near his work in surrey; I work in Central london so not quite sure how this is going to work out and if it doesn't how I am going to get back to work as I have no family help.

OP posts:

Oblomov · 29/12/2012 12:52

"A lot of men don't have naps during the day."
"I work 60 hours a week and I don't nap at weekends"
"I have NEVER had a nap in my entire life!!"

AnyFucker, I hear what you are saying. I appreciate that this is not a problem for us, unlike OP, because we are both happy with it. Plus, Op's situation is a bit extreme, because her dp seems to nap all the time, often to avoid doing anything else, so that is unique.
BUT, that aside, I was just a bit shocked that general consensus seems to be that no one naps. Generally. No one needs a nap.
I thought everyone had an occassional nap. And I don't just mean after Christmas dinner!! I thought it was not THAT uncommon.
Seems I was wrong.

Mytimewillcome · 29/12/2012 13:14

So he has just sent me a text telling me that he is going to commit suicide. I have forwarded it to his brother. What else can I do?

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 29/12/2012 13:16

Oh dear. Well it sounds like he's made his choice then OP. Are you okay?

You would be better off without him, than enabling his lazy, selfish behaviour. You don't want your kids thinking this is normal and okay.

Do you have any friends that could help out with the school run temporarily?

Could you get a childminder to cover it?

dreamingbohemian · 29/12/2012 13:17

oh gosh, really unfortunate x-post, sorry!

dreamingbohemian · 29/12/2012 13:18

I think you can call the police if you think he's serious.

It might be the best thing, to shock him into getting proper help for whatever is wrong with him.

Oblomov · 29/12/2012 13:25

Oh dear OP. This is not good. Hope you are o.k.

EleanorGiftbasket · 29/12/2012 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/12/2012 13:38

Yes, call ambulance / police. Do you know where he is? He needs to be taken seriously, just in case he's serious.

Of course this is probably as sincere, and as manipulative, as his regular 'illnesses'. In that case, calling his bluff and not allowing yourself to be manipulated is a good idea.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2012 13:54

A suicide threat ? Inform the police near the adress he is at. Do not engage any further.

How dare he up the ante like this.

hermioneweasley · 29/12/2012 14:03

Mytime. - he is just trying to get you to back down. Suicide because you want him to take fewer naps? He's an overgrown toddler. I cannot imagine what he brings to your life. Agree with others who say to infrm the police and go above your life. He's as likely to kill himself as I am.

Lueji · 29/12/2012 14:40

Change nursery or find a childminder.

Take some leave to sort it out if you must, but he's still their father.

And report suicide threat to the police.

zapotek · 29/12/2012 15:27

I'm sorry OP that things have taken this unexpected turn.

But things were going to come to a head I think. Your DH is now saying he naps to "get away from your whiny" voice not because he's tired so is there something wrong with him , physical illness, depression etc or is he just opting out of family life, trying to break up the relationship in the only way he knows how.

It's all very odd and sad.

You were right to contact his brother and I'm hoping you'll hear further/good news soon.

By the way I'm wondering what your relationship is like with your DH's parents. as granparents, is there any way you can talk to them, expressing your concern for your DH. Perhaps they can shed light on his sleeping habits.

BranchingOut · 29/12/2012 15:59

There are nurseries and childminders everywhere - you do not need to depend on him.

Take some emergency leave until you get other places.

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stifnstav · 29/12/2012 17:04

Thinking of you OP.

AndrewMyrrh · 29/12/2012 18:37

Oh my, he is really escalating isn't he?

Have you heard from him since? Have you reported it to the police?

Hope you are ok. You have enough to deal with without his histrionics.

AndrewMyrrh · 29/12/2012 18:38

And report it to his GP too, it may put his most recent visit into perspective.

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