DP sleeps too much during the day.

[Mytimewillcome]

I know alot of men have 'naps' during the day but he can sleep practically the whole day leaving me with 2 children under the age of three. I am waking up for the baby during the night and if our other DC wakes up. He doesn't wake up at all. If he is asleep then I obviously can't catch up. I have started going out without him at weekends and am worried that we'll end up having separate lives with him just sleeping the whole weekend and me spending it on my own with my children. Does anyone have any practical advice or did anyone manage to change their DP from being a lazy git to someone more dynamic or is it a lost cause?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

I think that the balance is still weighing in favour of staying.

Then nothing will change.

[lottiegarbanzo]

If he needs to sleep that much he is really ill. Why does he expect sympathy when he apparently has no symptoms? He's either ill and needs to see a doctor urgently, or he isn't. He needs to act, one way or the other - stop shirking and get active, or, get to a doctor and get a diagnosis pronto.

[N0tinmylife]

This is absolutely not normal. Prior to having children I used to love having a nap after work, but then you have kids, and its just not practical anymore! You need to have a serious chat with him about division of labour if nothing else. If he gets a whole day at a time to sleep, when do you get whole days to do whatever you would like?

[OhDearNigel]

DH hardly sleeps even after a nightshift if I am working, he has to look after a 3 year old to boot. Your H is ripping the piss

[tzella]

My dad and my brother both have (mild, managed with medication) narcolepsy, and bro has associated sleep aponea. Don't be scared if you google these ad they don't have to be that bad. This might explain the sleeping, and also being USED to sleeping a lot all the time and feeling entitled to do so. Doesn't excuse the bad attitude and checking out of your family though (my bro does 50/50 with 3 DCs) but might be worth mentioning to the GP.

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

Suddenly wondered about ME, which my dm had for 12 years - but then he wouldn't be able to face the football matches, so it's not that.

You say he doesn't really play with the dcs... What do you think his attitudes and beliefs are regarding family? Does he see you as equal partners or more as people with distinctive roles? Does he seem entitled generally, or just with the sleep thing? My h can help out at home, but will see it as helping me out (even regular housework he's taken on), not doing something that is his responsibility. Same sort of thing with the dcs: he'll do stuff with them, but if he doesn't see anything in it for him, he'll not bother.

I've decided his attitudes are more important than his behaviour - he changes obvious behaviour problems (sometimes) if I mention them, but without admitting there's a problem (it's all a problem with me) - and then the attitudes just show through eventually in something else.

[pumpkinsweetieMasPudding]

Your dp is a lazy twunt.
He has a family now, he needs to grow-up & man-up!
My dh can be a lazy so & so at times but your dp really takes the biscuit.

Next morning you get, spray him librely with a water spray and tell him he needs to get up, get dressed and go out with you as a family or else!

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

No, don't - that's cruel, and if you need to stoop to that level to get him to man up then you are not dealing with an adult.

[Zapotek]

My DP naps in the day. He does have a stressful (though not manual) job but I am amazed at how much he needs to sleep. He is often in bed by 8.30 and gets about ten hours sleep a night.

I always get annoyed when he tells people that the days of getting a lot of sleep are over as he has young children because their existence doesn't really have much impact on his sleep.

I bf my two DC so got up in the night with them several times in their first years. I didn't ask him to get up, I didn't mind but it did piss me off when he complained of tiredness.

I am up with my DC at 6 every day and because he stays in bed at weekends, I always take him up a tea if he hasn't surfaced by 9 and usually have to hurry him to get up if the DC's fighting/demands are doing my head in after 3 hours. He takes his time getting up.

This morning he did get up early with me ( I told him I didn't want him missing the present opening) but when I turned round a little later he was dozing on the sofa.

Like other OP have said he often takes himself off for a nap when one of the DC is napping.

He's always been a big sleeper.In all other respects he's a decent guy but I do find myself resenting his need to nap so much. It's not that I want to nap but I'd like us to be a team at weekends as I'm spending time looking after the kids on my own in the week and would like some company/help.

I know some people need more sleep than others and if I told him I needed a lie-in, he would offer to entertain the kids. But the truth is I'd rather get up with my kids and play with them (and get my sleep in as they get older) but I don't necessarily want to do it on my own all the time. It's a very lonely place to be.

[Mytimewillcome]

Well we have just come back from Christmas with his parents and he slept alot. He didn't even sleep in the same room as us and I spent alot of time with his parents on my own and I don't even get on with them. We've just had an argument about it I called him lazy and he said that he is going to the doctor where he will blame it all on me for kicking him out of the marital bed because I put the baby in there so he had to sleep on the sofa bed and couldn't get any sleep. We have a kingsize bed and its big enough for the two of us and a baby.

Anyway he has said that I need to start thinking about looking after the children on my own. He is very manipulative.

Zapotek it is a very lonely place.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Good that he's going to the doctor, who will not be interested in his silly games.

By looking after the children on your own, does he mean he is thinking of leaving? Effectively it does surely. That's quite a strong and definite reaction. Something to discuss.

[NancyNooNoo]

He needs his B12 tested. I've just found out I have a low B12 and I have to sleep in the day and I have almost zero energy.

[MushroomSoup]

Needs his B12 tested?

He needs his fucking head tested.

[FatimaLovesBread]

^^yy

[Mytimewillcome]

He's just come back from the doctor and told her that he can't sleep properly because of the children and so naps during the day. She said to him he is doing the right thing! He basically portrayed himself as hard done by. Just completely outrageous.

[Zapotek]

So she didn't test him for deficiencies/illness? No because he he has "lazy bastard syndrome".

I sleep on a sofa bed, I get disrupted sleep. I don't nap in the day. And yes I feel tired but I get up and got on with it. Before I had kids I did have lie-ins and go back to bed when I felt like it- things change.

I think you need to wake him up with a coffee in the morning and say "I need you to get up and help". If he doesn't well then perhaps you should stop washing/cooking/any other things you do for him and just say you are too tired to do these things and look after the kids on your own while he sleeps.

[tzella]

That is outrageous. Docs do seem to take things at face value an awful lot, plus he's a pig for using an appointment as evidence for him being in the right.

What next?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

What I would do is to stop doing his chores - laundry, cooking, shopping, ironing. You are not his slave.

[stifnstav]

What a joker! If you weren't with him then who knows what he actually told her. Did he bring a note home?!

Without a medical condition proving there's a problem, he'd be getting fuck all done for him. That is including you providing his accommodation and cushy teenager lifestyle.

[charlottehere]

I love a nap.

[AndrewMyrrh]

But it's not just a nap during the day, is it? He is spending all flipping day asleep. I second that you withdraw doing his chores - dinner, laundry etc - so that he 'can practice doing it on his own'.

Manipulative fucker.

[AndrewMyrrh]

And I'd absolutely pull him on the veiled threat that he made to you about getting used to looking after the children on your own - it's basically STFU or else I'll leave. You are supposed to be a family, a team - not you drudging whilst he sleeps.

You are doing all the work during the day and at night, and weekend is the one time when he could be helping out -instead he is checking out and sleeping all day.

[mercibucket]

Well if he doesn't want to find out if there's anything wrong with him, treat him as if he has LBS (lazy bastard syndrome) and get tough. Personally I'd LTB but I'm not keen on slackers.does he add anything to your life?

[dreamingbohemian]

The thing is -- yes, he may actually be that tired. I know that I would sleep far, far more every day if I could. BUT I don't because I have responsibilities and I'm not a selfish twat.

I would maybe stop addressing this from the viewpoint that he shouldn't be so tired, and instead try an approach of -- okay, so you are really tired all the time, what can we do about it? Because it's not fair on me and the DC if you deal with it just by sleeping all the time. There are other things to be done, changing sleep habits, eating better, taking vitamins, exercise, etc.

I recently made my DH go to the doctor as he was so tired during the day and it turns out he had a massive Vitamin D deficiency -- since taking supplements he has been back to normal. I'm not really impressed the GP didn't run any tests or anything on your DP (are you sure he actually went to the GP?)

If your DP still doesn't respond to this approach, then I'm afraid he's just a selfish twat and you need to think about whether it's worth staying with him. Glad to hear you own your house.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Well doctors can't diagnose when patients lie to them!

Sleeping all day is not napping. Sleeping at night heavily enough not to be woken by the children is not suffering disturbed sleep.

You could talk to your GP about it and ask for pointers to suggest he raises with his.

There could be a physical explanation that he's scared about. Being a blustering arse does not preclude that also being the case.