DP sleeps too much during the day.

[Mytimewillcome]

I know alot of men have 'naps' during the day but he can sleep practically the whole day leaving me with 2 children under the age of three. I am waking up for the baby during the night and if our other DC wakes up. He doesn't wake up at all. If he is asleep then I obviously can't catch up. I have started going out without him at weekends and am worried that we'll end up having separate lives with him just sleeping the whole weekend and me spending it on my own with my children. Does anyone have any practical advice or did anyone manage to change their DP from being a lazy git to someone more dynamic or is it a lost cause?

[lemonstartree]

Andrewmyrrh Gilberts syndrome is a varient of normal and does NOT cause you to 'sleep a lot' . it has no physical manifestations what so ever. Someone is taking the piss here !

[dreamingbohemian]

AndrewMyrrh my husband has Gilberts too -- I've never heard of fatigue being a symptom in everyday life, I thought it was just when they have an actual attack of jaundice? I understand it's a very poorly understood disease though.

[dreamingbohemian]

oooh x-post with lemon

Yes my DH has never had any real symptoms at all from Gilberts. He does have a lot of digestive issues which apparently some people think might be related but none of that is medically proven.

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

I think you should just put him out. He's well enough to hold down a job, after all. And whether or not his tiredness could be improved with medication or lifestyle changes, he's enjoying it too much to change it: he's got an excuse to do no domestic work or childcare. While getting rid of him might sound as though it would make your life harder, it wouldn't. You wouldn't have to worry about keeping the DC quiet or tiptoeing round him while he sleeps all the time; also you would no longer have the mix of hope and resentment, waiting for him to get his lazy arse out of bed and take up his domestic responsibilities.

Remember that you don't need his permission or his agreement to end the relationship. Did you say that the house is yours? If so, you can simply tell him to pack and go whenever you like.

[Lueji]

Anyway he has said that I need to start thinking about looking after the children on my own.

Don't you already?

What did you reply?
"I have started to think about it and it sounds good to me"?

Then explain that you'll expect 50% custody.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Are you not taking his threat to leave you seriously ?

I say it is the perfect solution.

[Crinkle77]

Has he been checked for diabetes?

[AndrewMyrrh]

Lemons & DB, I believe fatigue can often be an issue with Gilberts, however I have fairly little patience for nap taking at the best of times. DH takes milk thistle which has helped enormously.

OP, there appears to be some underlying resentment about the baby being in your room, and your DP having to sleep on the sofa bed. Did I read that DS2 is 9 months? Do you think it may be time to move him into his own room? Would this actually help matters, or would DP come up with another excuse?

[Kundry]

So he went to the GP by himself and told the GP a crock of shit - it's hardly the GP's fault for not coming to the right conclusion!

It's also likely the GP felt there was no medical problem at all - however your husband is hardly going to come home and say 'yes, the GP thought I was a self-centred lazy arse too' so he decided to say that the GP told him to carry on with the selfish naps as this suits him better and now he can say the dr recommended it.

Sorry this is not a medical problem, it is a relationship problem.

PS. Gilberts doesn't cause fatigue either.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

I would take the GP "visit" as further confirmation that there is no other treatment required for this lazy fuck than to be given the "shape up or piss off" ultimatum.

[kinkyfuckery]

How is he managing to nap several times every day when he works? Is he napping at work, or zonking out the minute he gets home? What hours does he work?

[Mytimewillcome]

He has threatened to leave me before and has packed a bag and gone to his parents (4 hours away). The last time was when I was 7 months pregnant with a toddler as well to look after.

This time he came back from the doctors (we had the argument before) and was acting normally but did apologise for being selfish. He also said I had said alot of horrible things to him.

He doesn't nap at work but crashes as soon as he comes home. Works 8.30-4.30.

He has been asleep since 6.30pm. He also had a nap this afternoon for a couple of hours.

[Kundry]

And what time does he go to bed? The only medical issue likely here is appalling sleep hygiene ie sleeping during the day and going to bed late. This actually takes a lot of effort to sort as people tend to be v attached to their routine, even if it isn't helpful. But effort seems quite difficult for him, doesn't it? Much easier for you and the kids to work around him as he is a precious flower.

However his threat that you should look after the children on your own isn't that impressive really is it - seeing as that is what you do now!

[Lueji]

Lots of mums and dads have young babies and don't sleep that much.

He should go to the gp again and try to find a solution for all this sleep.

Worst case, the gp can send him to a sleep clinic to detect sleep pattern problems.

Otherwise, he should start being awake at home and go to bed at night, at a decent time. Or do pack up.

What does he contribute to the home apart from money? And more work for you (cooking, cleaning, washing up, laundry)


Why did he go back last time?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Just put him out the door. Send him to his parents.

You are flogging a dead horse.

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

This time he came back from the doctors (we had the argument before) and was acting normally but did apologise for being selfish. He also said I had said alot of horrible things to him.

So he apologised, but with a sting in the tale. And he turned round your complaint and fired it straight back at you.

My H does that. And he's abusive.

There's a much-recommended book by Lundy Bancroft that you might like to look at and see if your H is doing anything else that's subtly abusive.

[Kundry]

Lueji, I know mumsnet likes to recommend going to the GP to find a medical problem but the overwhelming majority of people going to their GP complaining of tiredness, do not have a medical problem, they have a problem realising that normal life makes you tired, and normal people deal with it.

And he doesn't even want to solve the problem, he just wants to carry on in napworld.

[lisad123]

sadly for some it is a medical problem, and some serious. i would hate for someone to not go and miss help they need.

[ohforfoxsake]

He needs to go back to the GP and get tested for sleep apnoea.

My DH could drop off as soon as his arse touched the chair. He's a bad snorer, a bit over-weight (packs it on around his neck) and was getting about an hours sleep a night. He'd stop breathing regularly. I was beside myself, neither of us was getting any sleep.

Having had tests done, gone to hospital etc the solution was a really simple mouth piece which he wears when asleep. (google sleep-pro and you'll find it).

Its really worth going back to the doctors and looking at his health and fitness, maybe losing weight.

Or your DH might be a lazy fucker who needs to step up or ship out.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

"subtly" abusive ?

nah, it's full-on text book stuff

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

lisad...he saw the GP

the GP concluded there is fuck-all wrong with him (apart from being a whiny arse lazy twat)

[lisad123]

With no tests at all, I'm sorry I know he is likely a lazy arse, but GP sent dh home with no tests, and took a year and 4 trip before a basic blood test proved he was seriously ill.

However, now I'm off my horse, if he has no other signs, he is likely a lazy arse

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

the GP obviously thought no tests were necessary (based on his history, and I assume a basic medical exam)

I go with the qualified, trained, medical opinion

[Oblomov]

I am really surprised that almost NOONE naps. Dh and I nap all the time. Most weekends one if us will nap, normally both of us at one time or another. We both have diabetes , him t2, me t1, but we never EVER give eachother any grief about napping. Seems we are well and truely in the minority here!

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

that is because you are in agreement, oblomov, and the same privilege is afforded both of you

it's not the same thing