Learning to trust

[teacherandguideleader]

I needed to post as I am going a bit mad at the moment. I am in a relationship but am badly scarred from previous relationships. I have been cheated on, abused physically and emotionally and lied to.

My current partner is unlike any of the other men I have been in relationships with and is kind and caring. However, no matter how hard I try I cannot get it out of my mind that he is cheating on me. Logically, this would be hard, as he has very little time so I have no idea when he would actually be seeing anyone else.

Every little thing makes me suspicious. I found a long hair in the sink the other day which cannot possibly be mine. The logical explanation is that it came off the Christmas tree we had just put out (it is an artificial one that he hasn't used since he was with his ex). I also have it in my head that he is on his phone more - he has been checking facebook more recently. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that I'm always on it and am certainly not cheating so why does it automatically mean he is.

How do I move on from the past and realise that not everyone will treat me in the way I have been treated before I ruin this relationship?

Is he secretive about what he does on FB, his phone or email or is it all out in the open?

No not really - he goes on it when we're sat next to each other. Obviously I don't know what he is up to when he is sat on the other sofa however. He asked me the other day if I knew how to turn off notifications on your phone from facebook as they annoy him. Immediately I thought the worst, even though I keep thinking I must disable mine as it annoys me when I comment on something and I get an alert every time someone else does!

I think (or at least hope) it is all in my head.

It's a two-man job. First, do not see 'suspicion' as a failing in itself. It is a learned defence mechanism designed to protect us from harm. It gets skewed after a particularly bad experience but the way you are feeling is not at all abnormal. So don't be too hard on yourself or try to rush trust. There is no guarantee that anyone is utterly faithful.

Second, you need to talk very honestly with your partner and explain the problem so that he knows to be extra careful about anything that might make you suspicious, otherwise he'll blunder into problems, accidentally upset you and not realise why. Be open that you need more reassurance than others and he should respect that. Over time, as you become less sensitised, it will be less of a problem.

Finally, do whatever you can to increase your confidence and boost your self-esteem. Traumatic relationships can make you doubt yourself, question your judgement and damage your confidence. When you are happy in your skin you are more resilient to problems generally.