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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP is talking about proposing at Christmas

8 replies

Tuppence2 · 21/12/2012 20:03

So, pretty much as the title suggests. We have been together over a year, we don't officially live together, but he stays over about 5 nights a week, my dd loves him to bits. Things aren't perfect, we bicker, but I'd say we are pretty secure in our relationship. (only reason we haven't officially moved in together is that he doesn't want to let his house mate down with the rent, and we are really good friends with her and we both like having our own space)

So where's the problem? I'm not sure I want to get married...
He had always said he couldn't see himself getting married, and I've never been overly fussed. (Like the idea of a pretty white dress, but that's about it. Hate being the centre of attention and couldn't be bothered with the hassle that would come with it - Family politics, etc)
But now he's talking about us getting married, and possibly moving into a new home together. (We both live in flats, I have a 2 bed that I share with dd and I know he would like us to have a child together at some point, although he has a really good relationship with my dd loves spending time with her and they often have days where they go to the beach or whatever just the 2 of them, she doesn't call him dad) so we have been talking about looking at finding a house together in the later part of 2013.

I don't want to say no to him and break his heart, but I also don't want to say yes, knowing it's something I'm sold on doing. (A lot of my close family, aunties, uncles, cousins, parents have gone through divorces and it's rubbish to see and go through that both as a child and an adult...)

I feel like a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place so I can't move in either direction, and I'm quite happy where I am...

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 21/12/2012 20:10

Say no thank you kindly and it really won't break his heart. A reasonable man will never try to rush the relationship or force you into doing something you're not comfortable with. Never.

ladyWordy · 21/12/2012 20:11

If he's talking about proposing, he's sounding you out. Put the dampeners on it now (gently), so he doesn't go any further.

noddyholder · 21/12/2012 20:12

Just be honest I was and we are still together and happy 21 years on

Hassled · 21/12/2012 20:14

You're not saying you don't want to be in a relationship with him, just that you don't want to marry him. Be honest - explain your thinking to him and it will be fine.

SavoyCabbage · 21/12/2012 20:14

I would try and talk to him before he proposes as it will be easier and less dramatic.

Tell him what you wrote here, you are just not quite ready.

tribpot · 21/12/2012 20:17

Yes, just let him know it's not the right time for you. And please do so before he works himself up to proposing! It would be very unkind to say yes because you feel you 'should'.

OhEmGee25 · 21/12/2012 20:26

I WANT my dp of a year to propose at Xmas! (or anytime soon!). We live together, I have a toddler dd who he adores. Yup - all I want for Christmas is a ring! Grin

Tuppence2 · 21/12/2012 20:48

He is usually a pretty reasonable guy... lol, last Christmas he bought me a ring I'd wanted for years, and I only wear a ring on that finger, so I only accepted it on the basis is was a ring that fits on that finger, not an engagement ring feels like a heartless cow

I just love how things are with us right now, and I don't want to risk messing that up. I was engaged previously to the most laid back guy, but once he got a ring on my finger, girl's nights out were met with heavy sighs, and "suggestions" for longer dresses, tight and jeans were made more often as opposed to just in winter. DP OTOH will gladly tell me to loose the tights when I'm going out or tell me a skirt would look nicer with jeans.

OgEmGee25 Would you like to send DP over to yours?
We aren't even spending Christmas Day together... I am spending it with my parents, auntie, cousin and of course dd, he is spending it alone in his flat until his flatmate finishes work at 5pm and then doing her a Christmas dinner for them to have in the evening so she doesn't have to spend Christmas at work and then alone. That is why I love him!
I am seeing him tomorrow, so I may instigate the conversation... Bet it turns out I've just the wrong end of the stick Xmas Blush

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