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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone else staying in loveless marriage just for sake of children?

6 replies

salli3 · 21/12/2012 18:51

I really don't know what to do or who to turn to. I feel trapped in an unhappy marriage and can see no way of it getting better or any way out, as we have 3 kids and I now depend on him financially.

Everything was fine until I became a mum 10 years ago, and since then we've hardly had any sex (other than when he wanted to conceive dc2 and dc3), and our relationship has slowly deteriorated over the years. We did go for counselling about 5 years ago, which made things better for a few months, but it didn't last and now he refuses to pay for counselling or to make any effort to improve things between us, so I've just given up. He is quite short-tempered, yells at me if there's nothing to eat or he has no clean clothes to wear, sometimes I feel he only sees me as someone who looks after the kids, cooks and cleans, etc., if I make an effort to look attractive he never even notices. I try to be understanding, as I know he gets quite stressed with his work, but I feel I deserve a bit more respect and he makes me feel so lonely and unloved.

Have tried to look for a job, but not easy with 3 children, and not having worked for 8 years, I apply for part-time jobs but don't even get interviews, but will keep on trying as I know I need some financial independence and it would at least help to give me back a little self-esteem.

I love my children, and always try and put them first, which is why I put up with my husband and his mood swings, as they all love their dad very much and I don't want to be the one to cause them any pain or disruption. Also, I cannot bear to think of the practical and financial implications of splitting up. But yet I also cannot bear the thought of a loveless, sexless marriage for the rest of my life. Any advice? Anyone else had or having a similar experience?

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 21/12/2012 18:57

You won't be doing the kids any favours by staying in a loveless marriage. My BIL did this, and it has really affected his boys badly. Since they finally separated things are settling down, and the kids are much happier (late teens so they talk to us)

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 21/12/2012 19:24

Please don't put the responsibility for your misery on the shoulders of 3 innocent children. Children love their parents, want us to be happy, want to protect us and, if you're suffering and being treated shabbily, it will affect them badly.

I'd suggest you get some concrete information about what it would actually mean to be independent because, besides 'the children like him', your reasons for staying seem based on fears and assumptions. Solicitors, CAB, benefit calculators, CSA calculators etc. If you have the facts in front of you, the future may not be so terrifying.

quirk · 21/12/2012 20:03

Oh sweetie, I feel for you. My marriage is not great. There is enough good for me to stay for now, but not sure I can live like this for long.

Sounds like he went off the counselling for a reason - what came out of the counselling? My h still won't discuss things and wants me 2 go back to the counsellor alone to be set straight! I'm going as well... Good to get an independent view.

Job wise, I was in a similar situation and eventually got a very badly paid job I didn't particularly want, but thought it better than no job! I actually really enjoy it now, and hope to use the good references I will have to move on one day.

Can you set up a bank account of your own (if you don't have one), have housekeeping money or child benefit paid in and pay for counselling that way?

salli3 · 21/12/2012 20:27

We went for counselling about 5 years ago as I found out he'd been flirting with another woman over the Internet, text messages, etc. he'd never actually met her so had not bern unfaithful physically. He deeply regretted it and said he didn't want to lose me, so he was really kind to me for a while, we went for counselling and as our relationship had improved so much we decided to have dc3. After that, it all went downhill again and we haven't had any intimacy since falling pregnant (dc3 now nearly 4). And now he refuses to go back for couple counselling.

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 21/12/2012 20:33

'Refuses' means... 'I'm not changing so get used to it'. And four years of no intimacy - given his track record - probably means he's getting his jollies elsewhere. Sorry.

TrillsCarolsOutOfTune · 21/12/2012 20:35

I agree with those who say that it is not actually in the children's best interests.

It is in their best interests for you to demonstrate what healthy relationships look like (not just romantic relationships but all relationships).

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