How to be single and not settle for bad relationships.

[BelleoftheFall]

Just that, really.

I've been thinking about it recently and I've realised my whole adult life has been made up of clinging onto bad relationships and becoming too dependent on them. There's never been big gaps between one ending and another beginning, even after my divorce. I'm sick of it, I've been telling myself for so long that I want to be single and then I leap into another relationship and find myself unhappy all over again. I'm absolutely done with them as a whole now, I think. It's not healthy to be like this and I want to be better and show a strong example for my children. I just don't know how, as pathetic as that sounds, because I've told myself so many times that I'm going to be different, but the cycle just repeats all over again.

Any advice/book recommendations would be very welcome.

ok well start with making a resolution not to date for the whole of 2013?

start a new hobby and focus on friendships. Consider some counselling?

Counselling would probably be a good idea. I've been like this for so long that I think I need it. I actually feel a bit panicky imagining 2013 as a completely single year, isn't that ridiculous? But it seems like such a long time, even though it isn't.

I have so many hobbies already that I don't know if I should pick up another one- but the ones I have now are extremely neglected (writing, flute) so I'll try and start doing those again. They lend themselves pretty well to meeting new people and going to groups and things.

Thank you for replying.

I did this once, I said to myself 'Nothing whatsoever for a year' and did it. And I still look back on it as one of the happiest most peaceful years of my life, full of fun with friends and festivals and random nights with friends. No arguments, couldn't give a stuff where my mobile was, no obsessions over will he call, do I like him where's it going etc. I avoided letting new men into my life, and thats exactly what happened. Try it, you can do it. And its not lonely at all, get back into those hobbies!

This very single Christmas there have been:

• no disappointing gifts from a partner.
• no trying to make the day special for someone else at my own expense.
• no in-laws or partner's relatives- just my own family.
• no martying myself or bitterly stewing over something, while refusing to take any action over what's bothering me.

I did feel very sad at some points but I would rather be alone than with the security of a relationship that deep down I know isn't making me happy. I have been a doormat for a long time, but not this year. I'm not going to do it anymore.

'Women who love too much' by Robyn Norwood is good

Make a wish list and stick to it. I'm not kidding - I refused to keep dating anyone who didn't meet my criteria. People said I would never find anyone who did and it was stupid to have a list.

Until I found him. And married him. Think about what you do and don't want and stick to it!

I made a commitment not to date for a specific amount of time and hauled myself into therapy. As another poster said, it was one of the happiest times of my life and I won't settle for anything that will make me feel less than that.

Finish that list of great things about being single, print it and store it in a drawer to look at when you start thinking you 'ought' to be dating. Reconnect with friends who support your aim. Ditch romance novels and romcoms, read about detectives and space-farers and other characters whose main aim is not the search for love.

Have fun.

I raised my DCs as a single parent for 10 years while working - no time to get involved in relationships, & besides I didn't get any offers . Do you go looking for BFs or do they ask you out? If the former it should be easy enough to stop - if the latter it may be harder to say no, because what if this one's 'the one'?!

I've always been happy with my own company and rarely lonely. Definitely don't need or want a boyfriend for the sake of it. I did have a couple of years where I wanted to be in a relationship, but the above still applied.

I've got into relationships a few times since leaving the ex 5 years ago, and I've been pretty good at red flag spotting and ditching when need be.

Anyway, straying from the point so back on topic... even though I think I'm pretty sorted when it comes to avoiding bad relationships and having a good amount of self respect, last year something EXTRA clicked into place in my head and I just stopped dating. Concentrated on myself, work, friends etc and it was brilliant. Happiest I've been for a long time.

I think it was the realisation that online dating was actively damaging my self esteem that did it. I haven't been on a dating site since... about 14 months now. I still feel all the better for it.

So I think the answer is quitting dating, working on your self esteem, self respect and confidence. Try counselling, try new things, join friendship groups, or if you already have a good group of friends then arrange more stuff with them, and go out to have fun instead of hoping to meet someone.

Walkingacross- it's usually a mutual let's-see-where-this-goes thing, sometimes I make the first move and sometimes the other person does. And I have a tendency to stick with those that aren't going anywhere! And yep, I always think what if this is the one or that life's too short not to give it a go and so on, without stopping to take things slowly and consider whether it's a good idea to date someone. I have a lot of free weekends and some evenings during the week, so I've got into this habit of filling it with a new person while my kids are away. But before being married/having children/divorcing I'd do the same thing with my free time: slot myself into another person's life and spend a ridiculous amount of time with them.

I will look up "Women who love too much"- I have a kindle so anything that's in e-format is a plus!

And I will write a list too. And focus on not settling for anything less, like someone said.

To be honest, I think there's a part of me that fits into the unhappy role too well: at times I think I like being unhappy, or I got so used to being dissatisfied that I don't know how to act out in any other way. Either way, not healthy. That's why I don't want another relationship: because I'll repeat the same behaviour in it and it'll take exactly the same route.

Well said. You are clearly going to be fine.