Mother separating from stepfather

[Charlie2000]

I don't know if this is the correct place to post because this is quite complicated! My step-dad (married to my mum for 26 years) has just announced that he is leaving her for another woman. My question is if I should let him see my children because I know my mum doesn't want me to but he was very close to them and my eldest in particular has said that she misses him. I feel caught in the middle of the situation. My mum says that if he sees them it will 'finish her' What would you do?

You're going to have to tell your mum that, whilst you respect her feelings and whilst you're angry with your step-father, they are both still your parents and it's unfair to ask you to take sides.

Not fair at all of your mother to emotionally blackmail you like this at all.

Presumably your children still want to see this man and as such I think your mum needs to realise their opinion should also count for something here.

As Cogito rightly states it is unfair of your mother to ask you to take sides in such matters. The sort of relationship you subsequently have with your stepdad is entirely a matter between you and he.

If your SD and DC want to see each other, its bloody cruel to deny them that because of what someone else wants.

However, I can understand this must be very difficult for you all, esp your poor mother. Can you just discreetly not mention it for a while?

The problem is that he wants to give the girls Christmas presents. I have told my mum that we are going to allow this but although she hasn't voiced her opinion out loud I know she would rather we said that he couldn't. Her view is that he will lose contact once he has begun his new life and so we should make a clean break now. He text my daughter to ask what she would like and she has said a necklace as it would be something tangible to remember him by. I am not happy that he has contacted her directly without telling me but the damage is done now. He has given the necklace to my husband today and he says that my mum has told him to not contact us which we have never said and which she has always said she would never do. I don't want to make the situation worse by confronting her about this but I feel as though I am not being told the whole truth (or is my step dad lying?). Additional to this I have cancer and this situation is causing me a great deal of stress which makes my condition worse as it is in my brain. However I am an only child and my mum has few friends because her whole world was my step dad therefore I am her only support. She says that she wants to be there when the girls open their present from him but I am not sure that this is a good idea. Also would you let them open their gifts before or after Christmas?

This man has been part of your life for 26 years. It is wrong if anyone is trying to make it a loyalty issue or set you one off against the other - especially if it isn't helping your medical condition. You're all family and you are entitled to be in touch with anyone or no-one... it's entirely your decision..

Stand firm, accept the gifts, be in touch with whomever you want and be open about it. I would also let your girls open the gifts on Christmas morning along with everyone else's.

My dm and step df are in the middle is separating and my mum wouldn't dream of asking me to cut him out of my life after 20 years, he walked me down the aisle rather than my biological father. He is and always will be grandad to my children