What do I do?

[Some0ne]

My husband has a terrible temper. It's been a problem for years, primarily in the car; he gets annoyed with other drivers and drives aggressively and dangerously as a result. He rarely gets angry with me and when he does, he controls it well.

He sometimes gets angry with our toddler daughter but again, controls it fairly well. He has occasionally snapped at her but nothing else, and they get on very well generally. They're getting closer and closer as she gets older and less babyish.

The problem is his relationship with our 10 month old son. He finds him very aggravating. When he won't sleep, or struggles wildly during a nappy change or getting dressed, my husband gets very angry and can be quite rough with him. On occasion, at night, he has shaken him - not very roughly but enough to show that he's capable of behaving dangerously towards him when angry.

I don't think I can allow him to be around DS any more. He says he'll try and control his temper is future and that he doesn't want to hurt DS or lose us over this. He says if he finds himself getting annoyed, he'll put DS down and leave the room. But he has made many promises in the past to restrain his temper, and he has broken them all. He says he barely trusts himself and can understand why I wouldn't. But he wants me to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I have a responsibility to keep DS safe, and I'm not sure that I can take the gamble and let his father stay in the house. I can't guarantee that I'll always be able to protect him.

I really don't want this to be happening. I can't talk to anyone in real life. I can't bring myself to let people know that DH is like this.

If you are concerned about your childs safety the you need to remove your H from the house until he has had some help with his anger issues.

What puds said.

Your OH should be the first to want to be away, as he clearly can't be trusted not to lose it.

Does he drive dangerously with the children in the car?

You have to protect your baby boy - shaking him can kill, as you probably know. Who is rough with a baby anyway? A helpless child.

He needs to leave.

Lueji, yes, he doesn't change his driving style when they're with us. Thankfully they don't spend much time in the car with him.

Sadly you're going to have to ask him to take himself away while he sorts out his anger problem. It's that serious. If he loves you and the children he'll want to make the effort this time. If he can't find a way to be calm and exercise restraint, he can't come back. If you have no-one to talk to you might try Womens Aid for advice.

And you said he can control his anger with you and your DD.

Does that mean that he is threatening, but doesn't actually do anything?

Or does he manage to calm down before reaching the threatening stage?

Also, look at what you say here:

?He says he barely trusts himself and can understand why I wouldn't. But he wants me to give him the benefit of the doubt.?

But there IS no doubt ? he has lost control before - he could have given your son brain-damage or killed him. He has also failed to live up to promises to change before.

He wants you to take responsibility for what happens by trusting him when he has shown he can?t be trusted and when he doesn?t even believe in himself as trustworthy. There is no benefit of the doubt.

"He says he'll try and control his temper". But he has made many promises in the past to restrain his temper, and he has broken them all

His 'trying' and 'promising' has been to no avail.

This man poses a SERIOUS RISK of harm to your dc. He cannot be left alone with them at any time. nor can they be allowed to travel in any car he is driving.

The fact that it's Christmas may work in your favour as telling him to leave NOW may serve to convince him that he needs to seek urgent help to control his anger..

If he won't agree to leave the family home today, call the police on 101 and ask to be put in contact with the Child Protection Unit.

Please, honey, don't be tempted to let him stay 'because it's Christmas' as this may be one you remember for the rest of your life for all of the wrong reasons.

Does he lose his temper or drive dangerously when there are non-family members in the car?

*And you said he can control his anger with you and your DD.

Does that mean that he is threatening, but doesn't actually do anything?

Or does he manage to calm down before reaching the threatening stage? *
If he gets angrier with me than he likes, he'll just leave the room. It's only happened once or twice.

With DD, he'll speak very sharply to her, or shout occasionally. Never anything more than that, or I'd have been posting this before now!

I think the difference is that I'm an adult, and if we're arguing over something, he knows he can walk away and come back later when he feels more in control. Because DD is 2.5, the anger is generally over the fact that she's trying to run away during a bad nappy change or not letting him dress her when we need to go out - he generally can't walk away from those situations unless I'm available to take over. And it's the same with DS, but for some reason, affects him more, possibly because it's nearly always over DS refusing to go to sleep when it's blindingly obvious that he's fighting exhaustion. He can't understand why DS can't just realise he's tired and do the obvious thing.

Does he lose his temper or drive dangerously when there are non-family members in the car?

Not always. He does make an effort when my parents are in the car, I know. He wouldn't try as hard with my sister.

That proves he can make more of an effort - he can when he wants to.

OP I'm sorry but you need to keep him away from your DCs until he has had help with his anger issues, I would not feel safe at all.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

His driving is a red flag in itself let alone what he is like with your children and by turn you. He shows all the indcators of a type of man known as "The Loser".

You're showing your children that it is okay to put up with such crap; that is what you are teaching them yourself here.

Would you want your DD or DS to have the same sort of relationship that you currently do as adults?. Of course not.

He likely does not act as angry with co-workers or people in the street does he?. He shows neither any responsibility or remorse for his actions. He does not think he is doing anything wrong in the first place.

This is also not about anger per se as he probably does control his temper around others like outsiders and co-workers. Therefore anger management is not going to help.

This is about power and control, your H wants absolute over you all and be the dominator.

You can and should be not afraid to talk to someone in real life; besides which you have posted on here so have already taken a small but significant step. Womens Aid can and will help you here. You do not have to put up with this and nor do your children.

The time for analysing your h can come later. The time for protecting your dc from risk of serious harm and worse is NOW.

Please don't continue to find reasons not to take the action that's needed to get your h out of your home and keep your dc safe.

Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk can provide a listening ear but please don't hesitate to involve the police - it's highly unlikely your h will be charged with any offence but they'll encourge him to live elsewhere if he won't go willingly.

I would bet that he wouldn't drive aggressively with a colleague in the car, lose his temper with his boss, or shake a friend's child.

This is the treatment he reserves for people he sees as an extension of himself, rather than as people in your own rights. The very people he should love and care for the most.

This is a very destructive and very ingrained belief. He has no empathy or understanding for the fact that you all have thoughts and feelings of your own, which do not always match what he thinks you should be thinking or feeling. Ffs, he's expecting a baby to follow his logic, and gets frustrated when the baby acts like a baby. To the point that he feels entitled to shake the baby.

This man is dangerous. And he will not change, because he has no empathy, and therefore no incentive to change.

He shakes your baby. He shakes your baby. Get him OUT.

Just to give you some context on this. If it was reported to Social Services that he had shaken your baby they would become involved ASAP. I have just completed a child protection course and they take it very seriously because of the damage it can cause.
I am sorry that you are in this position. Get some help in RL. Do not leave either of your children alone with your husband. I hope you get the support and help you need.

Hi OP, I left my STBXH for almost exactly the same behaviours as you are experiencing.

In my experience, he is very unlikely to change or improve. You need to protect your DS.

Also, if you work in any kind of job where safeguarding is part of your role (education/healthcare etc), then you could be sacked if you don't report this straight away to Social Services. It would be seen as calling in to question your ability to safeguard in a professional capacity and there could be a POT (Position of Trust) meeting between your employer, the police and social services

I was in this position, I now have to report everything negative (no matter how small) that my DC's say about their Dad to SS in order to protect my job/career.

10 month old son. He finds him very aggravating. When he won't sleep, or struggles wildly during a nappy change or getting dressed, my husband gets very angry and can be quite rough with him. On occasion, at night, he has shaken him - not very roughly but enough to show that he's capable of behaving dangerously towards him when angry.

This man sounds terrifying, and abusive! He could actually kill your child by his behaviour.

And your son is showing signs of his reaction to his terrifying father.

My heart breaks for him, and you.

Please get out! Both of you! You owe it to your son to do this. you have to do this!!

And for yourself. Because your son needs you in his life. No-one else will be there for him. But you.

(I'm a LP, had the same kind of story - you can do this).

If you don't have family/good friends you can go to, phone Women's Aid. (or the police).

Get him away for your children now. He SHAKES THE BABY! He could kill him or leave him permanently brain damaged. Social services will also not look kindly on you for not protecting those children from his abuse, and a shake is abuse.