15 years, two children and desperately unhappy, impartial advise please!

[anniep9999]

Hi I am 34 and have two children ages 6 and 20 months, I have been with my OH for 15 years (he is 43) and to be honest have never been truly happy.

My OH seems to have an issue with women in general and is always stating that "you will never control me" or "the sooner you realise if I'm happy them you'll be happy".

Please don't think me a winger, but I basically take care of all childcare arrangements despite working 5 days a week, all homework, lunchboxes, school kit, cleaning, cooking, washing etc....!! He cooks on a Saturday night, and when I once suggested he cook maybe once in the week his response "I'll think about it".

We are not married, despite him knowing that I would probably like to have done so, but would prefer for it to be something he instigates (pathetic I know). He is also of the view that I have my head in the clouds as to what men should be like and that I am the impossible one. I know you are now asking why I have stayed for this long, perhaps I am weak (or overly optimistic!!).

Don't get me wrong I constantly question if it is me that is the problem, if I am honest I come home from work and am probably immediately miserable and snappy with him most days, largely due to tired children a long day and work and perhaps no-one being thoughtful at home having cooked tea for me
for a change!! We have a non-existent physical relationship and he has never been remotely interested in what makes me tick, we rarely talk about anything meaningful, if I get remotely passionate about somethin on the news etc he usually shoots me down.

The problem is that whilst we have often been an argumentative couple it has worsened recently, and it is now happening in front of the children, I honestly try my best to prevent this but he carries on making snide comments in front of them. He has also become extremely nasty and spiteful, I am pathetic, stupid etc etc and he acknowledges that he is deliberately doing so but says that unless I change my ways nothing will improve. I have tried to tell him it takes both of us but am really starting to believe it is a lost cause.

The problem is now I know he will be absolutely awful if I try and seperate from him, we own the house in joint names, there is a fair amount of equity, I could possibly buy him out but I know he will be a nightmare, when I mentioned it the other day he made it clear he wouldn't leave, I am so stressed and upset I could do with some impartial advice please. Are there men out there that are thoughtful and kind am I really so unrealistic to want more?!

Sorry for such a long rant....

He sounds controlling, abusive and really bloody horrible to live with. You should read back your post to yourself. He's clearly managed to convince you that you are unreasonable, selfish and that you don;t know how 'lucky' you are.

Good relationships aren't like this. You deserve better. You really do.

Thank you for your comment, much appreciated. I guess I didn't want it to sound too one sided, I am sure he could present a very different view. I even spoke to his (yes his) mother about it just in a effort to try and get an insight into what made him tick and she admitted she didn't know how I put up with him and that I should take action!!

I guess after 15 years and two children I just want to make sure I'm not being rash or unrealistic about men (his quote "you want someone that is pussywhipped!"). I think also having a son I am worried he will grow up thinking that this is normal behaviour.

That he'd be a nightmare to split up from doesn't make a future with him actually look any prettier, does it?

Your son will indeed grow up thinking it's normal to treat women like skivvies and inferior beings if that's what you let him see you putting up with. You and both your children deserve more, you in your present and them in their future relationships.

No you are right, I think I need to stop making excuses and I agree it can't be something the children accept as normal, don't get me wrong he adores the kids and perhaps that is what has made me hesitate more.

In some ways I wish he would just do the dirty and make the decision easier for me to make (wimps way out I know). The problem is he has made it clear it will be me making the move to seperate, and therefore the guilt becomes mine, whether it is the best thing to do or not - more emotional blackmail I suppose!

I think most men are pretty inconsiderate and few seem to ever share chores or cook. You sound very unhappy and I think that it is your gain that he never married you as you are now free to leave. Whilst I don't think the perfect, considerate, tea-making man exists you deserve to be listened to, not be belittled and have someone care what makes you tick. It is impossible to make others happy if you are miserable. You can pretend to children that you are happy but they can always tell if you are not. I hope this helps in some way.

No, the guilt isn't yours.

Relationships don't always work out. Sometimes there's no fault as such on either side.

OTOH, relationships (where one party is a controlling abusive type) that don't work out are the fault of the controlling abuser. It's not the abused person who calls it quits that's the bad guy.

He may love the dc, but he's doing them damage by denigrating and verbally abusing their mother in front of them. He's doing them damage by deliberately making their mother unhappy and eroding her self-worth.

Thank you, I think I probably need to be realistic in terms of my expectation of men (certainly in terms of housework!) but I think you have confirmed my thoughts regarding the emotional aspects. I think the relationship has probably degenerated to the point where the nastiness is ingrained, perhaps my resentment of the situation doesn't help, but it certainly doesn't justify it I know.

Appreciate all of the comments, now any help on rights for cohabiting partners and seperation in the context of buying partner out of a mortage (and who can live there whilst this occurs...)!

You need a solicitor for the property details. There are ways to force a sale legally but you need to make very sure that you're getting a fair share based on your contributions. You both get to live there because you both own the place. Your STBX will be responsible for maintenance payments for the children.

OK thank you, it is most definitely 50/50 share in terms of both contributions, title deeds in joint names etc. The problem will most certainly be who lives where whilst it occurs. I am certain he will refuse to move, my preference would be to buy him out to ensure continuity for the children but I am certain he will make life as difficult as possible and I don't believe from the limited research I have done that I have any rights to remove him other than through a court order which I am assuming will be extremely costly.

I will not be in any way vindictive and will ensure he gets what he is entitled to. I am just worried that if I move out because he won't it may affect my entitlement, delay a sale etc, or worse still as he is self employed (and irregular income) result in payment defaulting, which would mean I am liable for as the mortgage would still be in my name also.

Sorry, all this stuff has been going around in my head and has probably contibuted to my reluctance / delay in actually making a decision.....

Sounds like legal advice is the most appropriate next step...now I mustn't wimp out in the morning

I know masses of men who share chores and cook! Presumably he is the only person you have had a serious relationship with, so you have no one to compare him to?

This is a horrible story and lots of it is very familiar. I read the thread because I had been with my dh for 15 years, two kids and was deeply unhappy.

After much agonising we finally separated this year at my instigation. Like you I worried that having him as an ex would be worse than staying together.

If I had told him I wanted out he had given the impression that he would be very difficult.

It's been a very difficult year but for me it is getting better all the time. He was like your OH, emotionally abusive and made me feel incompetent even though I did everything. I tuned out of the relationship and was pretty shitty to him for the last few years we were together which made me feel terrible about myself as well. I was anxious, depressed and suicidal, became very reclusive, abused alcohol, etc.

I had no energy and couldn't see how I could escape and felt I would go mad/kill myself if I didn't.

I'm now living in my own home and he has bought a house. I am my own boss. I feel like I am on holiday and am full of hope for the future. I have reclaimed my relationship with my kids.

He is not in a good place. He knows he has lost control of me and the family and is very miserable. I feel awful about it. But it was him or me. My best friend always told me that really I was the strong one and not him, that he would be nothing without me, that he knew this and it was why he put me, and kept me, down. And I am stunned to realise that she was right.

I do feel terribly guilty. dequois is right though, if someone abused leaves then they are not 'the guilty party', it is the abuser that made them do it who fucked up the marriage. I have tried so hard to make my dh see this, but he won't. I am the wicked witch. But I think deep down he knows it and can hardly face how badly he screwed it up and lost everything he valued. Abusers are insecure and their insecurity about losing what they want to keep is what makes it happen in the end. It's actually really sad for them, because no healthy person behaves like this in relationships. But you can't live your life as a charity for one sick person.

Your situation sounds so similar to mine and all I can do is tell you - it doesn't have to be like this.

You can escape, you must. Don't waste your life with this abusive man.

And read this, it really helped me, I found it when someone else posted it on MN. It's great!!! :

herbsandhags.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/the-joy-of-single-motherhood-and-why.html

If you have low expectations, that's what you'll get.

Expect and insist on fair division of labour in any future relationship - don't just be grateful for the almighty cock's presence in your life .

MooncupGodess you are correct, other than a 2 year relationship prior to this (from 17 to 19) which ended in him cheating on me, I have nothing to compare this to. He usually refers to his "mates" as examples of men that I should understand are the same as him!!

Yup, legal advice.

Splitting will be like childbirth - pretty hideous and painful in the short term but sooooo worth it in the long term.

Wow thank you tiredofwaitingforitalltochange, it is very enlightening to hear someone who has clearly had all of the doubts I am currently having, but has come through it and is happier as a result.

I am so pleased you have managed to suceed and are happy with the outcome, and I hope I have the strength to see this through, rather than just posting about it!!

Am about to read the article you have posted and look forward to some useful instights.

Thank you :-)

Thank you dequuoisagitil I appreciate the frank and honest advice, I think I needed people to stop sitting on the fence and tell me straight, whilst making me chuckle at the same time!!

Blimey you poor lady!

He sounds like my vile abusive ex.
You don't deserve this awful miserable life and could be with someone who loves and respects you, he certainly doesn't!

I'm now with someone lovely who has tea ready for when I get in and won't let me
do anything if I've been at work all day.

Please don't put up with this shit.

Your son will deffo grow up thinking it's the norm and that used to worry me loads.

Oh and apologies for the erratic spelling / grammar, I am rushing typing whilst drinking a glass of wine - bad combination

annie I started off just posting. It took ages to make it happen. I see others on here in the same position.

It's a process and you can't make it happen until you are ready. Unfortunately this means that you often have a lot of misery to go through until you get to the point where you just can't carry on any more and the horror of staying outweighs the fear of leaving.

I used to look on MN and marvel at the people who had 'escaped'. Now I am one of them and will say what I saw them say, when I was earlier in my own journey:

"I have no regrets, I only wish I had done it sooner"

The childbirth analogy is a good one. It's terrible. But once you are out the other side you are so glad you are.