Another chance?

[Dillie]

I posted last week about calling it a day with my H. To cut a long story short I have some real issues with his jealousy regarding my friends and when I go out, although he will let me, he really makes me feel rotten about it.

Since then I told him I want to separate so we can have a bit of distance from each other.

He has begged me to give him another 6 months to prove he can change. I must admit the house has never looked so tidy! He has done all the housework and even cleared the cat box (he hasn't done that since I was pregnant 7 years ago)

I told him it goes deeper than just support around the house. I said that I really don't like him as a person and he needs to get help with his issues (he blames a distant dad and death of his mum when he was 17). I said he needs to work on his jealousy. I suggested counselling, but he will not entertain the idea.

I am going for counselling myself as I admit I am feeling the strain of everything. I am terrified of being a single parent and being on my own. I am hoping the counselling will help me with this.

He did say he would do marriage guidance, so can't work out why he wont work on his own issues.

I did leave briefly 3 years ago but he promised to change back then too. Although he did say he does not remember making such a promise!!

I don't think I could go through this again in another 3 years. I don't doubt his sincerity, I am sure he can change in 6 months. I'm just not sure long term.

Part of me wants to try as I do love him, but the other part wants to jump now while I have the strength.

The added complication of my 7yo DD is not helping my indecision!!

Wwyd?

Thank you x

You've given him a lot of chances already.

I suspect he's agreeable to relationship counselling because he's confident he can turn it around on you and make it about what you're not giving him. He may not be able to do that, but I suspect he thinks he can.

But he's not interested in doing any work on himself, other than the housework (temporarily), and that tells you something quite clearly. To stop with the controlling stuff (dressed up as jealousy), he'd need to do a lot of work on himself. He's not willing to do that, 'though.

Maybe the answer is to threaten him with eviction more regularly? Rather than waiting three years diarise another bollocking for three months' time, nip any jealous crap in the bud in the meantime, and you might get the kind of husband you really want. Forget marriage guidance and counselling... book yourself on assertiveness training courses and invest in a bullwhip.

That sounds very energetic, Cog .

I'm largely serious. He shapes up for a bit when given an ultimatum so it sounds as though he has to be kept on his toes more. The OP doesn't seem to want to split up so any jealous crap, show him the door and have him scrabbling to be let back in.... and repeat until you get fed up, I suppose.

Or, if you've got the bullwhip stamina, repeat until his temporary changes become permanent

And make sure you go out and about with friends regularly and give him 6 tongue lashsing for every complaint he makes.

I think that process of going from temporary to permanent using positive and negative reinforcement is called 'training' :)

As ever, OP you can rarely change someone else's behaviour. You can only change your response to that behaviour. If the jealousy is simply too oppressive & he has no intention of changing that side of his behaviour I'd say you're better off calling it a day now than wasting more time hoping for something different to happen. I suspect the litter-tray cleansing antics will be very short-lived.