Just found out my Mum died in 2008. We were estranged, and I thought she'd still be alive...

[MrsIgglePiggle]

Has anyone else experienced similar? I'm feeling quite awful. I last saw my Mum in 2003, when we had a massive argument. I had finally realised that the reason my life had been such a painful disaster (I was 31 at the time), was because of my atrocious childhood and the actions of my Mother. I confronted her over it and we had a massive argument. I left in a terrible state (she was eager to get rid of me) and over the next few days went in to meltdown and tried to kill myself. What followed was 3 years of psychotherapy and a very slow process of change.

I had a daughter 2 years ago, and becoming a Mother finally gave me a strong sense of self and a purpose in life. One week ago, I felt ready to make contact with my Mum again, pretty convinced she'd still be alive. I discovered she'd died in 2008 aged 64, from lung cancer. She had been living the life of a recluse in a caravan in a farmers field. I had seen this existence in 2003, but feel very sad for my Mum that she carried on living like that.

I feel so sorry for her that she didn't get to see me as she was dying. I'm feeling guilty and desperately sad for how she chose to live her life. I know that I wouldn't have been strong enough to see her before now, but the guilt is still there.

Anyone with a similar experience?

To be honest I think you may have had it worse (both of you) if you had had an opportunity to speak to her before she died. You were not ready to see her before now and that is because of the way she chose to treat you. If she had wanted to see you there would have been ways to find you. having not seen her you can get some peace and resolution for yourself and she had a death presumably without conflict. People do not transform into different more capable and loving people on their deathbeds and it is likely that her deathbed would have been difficult and confusing for you and you may have ended up much more confused and upset and feeling bad about you never having been enough to convince her to love you properly even on her deathbed and she would not have been able to have a peaceful death. I don't think you should forgive someone simply because they are your family or because they are dying, if you forgive them it has to be because you have worked through your anger. Maybe the Susan forward book toxic parents might help you?

Thanks awsangel and Offred. More helpful words and emotional support. I'm so pleased I posted this, you have all really helped me to see things a lot clearer, and to manage the feelings of guilt.