is it easier to know if that there is someone else?

[nothappyaboutdoingthis]

I've nc-ed for this. I want to leave my partner because there are significant, long term problems with the relationship. I have tried to fix them (for about 8 years) but gave up about 2 years ago (realisied they were unfixable). I have been seriously thinking of leaving for 2 years and decided that I would go after Christmas (as we have children). However there is now someone else in the picture. The someone else may well not be permanent. At the moment it is a very recent and new possibility, not a reality (all we (ie me and the someone else) have done is establish the fact that we both feel that there is a possibility of a relationship developing between us). (The someone else could well change their mind at any point and is not the reason for my leaving my partner. Equally it may well not come to anything and/or just not work out.)
What I do not know is whether my current partner will feel better or worse if I mention the someone else when I tell him that I think that we should split up. He is aware that we are not getting on but feels that I should "try harder" (ie behave as he wants me to behave) to make things work (basically I think that he still thinks that he loves me but it is an image of me that he loves, not the actual me).
So should I tell him that there is someone else in the picture or not?
So as not to drip feed - he is verbally and emotionally abusive (hence my decision to leave) but, so far, not violent.

If there's nothing going on there's nothing to confess and, if there's even a hint of a risk of violence then say nothing. Keep the reasons for leaving purely about your relationship with your partner e.g. 'I don't like being told how to behave... it's over'. Good luck

'significant long-term problems' with an emotionally and verbally abusive man? I'd say that was plenty reason to leave all by itself.

Leverette I had planned to leave. I can't know whether I would go through with it - I've never planned to leave before so have no history or trying and failing so I don't know that I wouldn't but equally the possibility of the someone else will make me more likely to. Now you ask I am trying to imagine how I'd feel if the someone else rang and said that they were no longer interested but I can't then separate the disappointment about the someone else from the feelings about leaving oh. So "I don't know" is the quick answer.

I'd say that was plenty reason to leave all by itself.
it is but I don't want him to feel worse than he needs to so want to know if people tend to feel better or worse if they are told that there is someone else on the scene when they are left.

I'd ask the someone else to wait for 4-6 months and you'll contact him then if you're both still free. If he likes you and it's meant to be he'll wait. Then you can focus on leaving your relationship and see how you feel after that. But if there's more to it and you're leaving your current partner to be with this new person then yes I think he deserves to know.

You don't actually have to say it because a verbally and emotionally abusive man faced with rejection will instantly assume there's someone else. He's probably accused you of having other men in the past right before telling you that no-one else would want you anyway. Tell me I'm wrong...

I think people prefer to know the truth generally, rather than being lied to

But what's the truth in this case? 'I'm possibly thinking of dating someone'?..... I think men who are verbally and emotionally abusive forfeit deserving to know the truth quite honestly.

I think that if your partner is verbally and emotionally abusive and you have been trying unsuccessfully to fix for 8 years then its not salvageable UNLESS your partner agrees to counselling / therapy and manages to change (unlikely) - sounds like he is blaming you - maybe you could give some examples of the behavior he wants from you to see if reasonable? Although anyway any emotional or verbal abuse is not reasonable.

I think need to put other possibility on hold for a bit - AND DO NOT mention to your partner, as there is nothing to confess, and he'll use it against you - especially as he is abusive - ideally put it on hold until divorce is final and NO NOT ever admit to your current partner that the idea came before the separation.

Do NOT tell him. It will not make it better for him, or for you