How do you break away from inherited toxic attitudes?

[Some0ne]

I don't have time now to go into all the reasons, but I think my mother's a narcissist and I'm wondering if this is part of it.

All my life she has put down my friends behind their backs, told me they're stupid or not nice or not good enough. She's as nice as pie to their faces, in fact she worked with one of them for a few years and the friend thought she was absolutely lovely, but behind her back mum has always laughed at her for being 'a bit silly' or 'a bit dim' (she's not, at all).

She wouldn't let me have friends over to the house either, even when I'd been going out with DH for a couple of years she used to give out stink to me if I didn't give 24 hours' notice of him ringing the doorbell to pick me up. When she did let people into the house, she'd bitch about them endlessly afterwards.

She's awful with her own friends too. One person gave her a key to their house a couple of years ago to keep an eye on it while they were on holidays. She told DH, my sister and I that it was terribly untidy and cluttered and thought it would be great fun to invite us to go and look at it before the 'friend' came home (I did point out to her that that was a horrible abuse of her friend's trust but she was utterly confused by what I was saying and couldn't see that she was doing anything wrong).

I have a friend who's having a tough time in life, she had a very unpleasant split from her OH and has been left in very difficult circumstances. My mother has been encouraging her to drop her entirely, saying that I need to protect myself and my children from the drama of it all. My sister has been backing her up. Like an idiot, I've been listening to them, but it's finally become too much - I feel like absolute scum for thinking of my friend this way. I can't understand why my mother is doing this, or why I've taken so long to realise what she's like.

She's absolutely toxic and has no regard for other people, as far as I can see, and she's spent 32 years trying to train me to be the same. I only have a couple of friends left at this stage - I tend to blame my own bad social skills but I actually have been able to make friends over the years, but for some reason always end up dropping them and I'm wondering is it because she's taught me to, by endlessly belittling them.

I don't understand why she's doing it, and I don't know what else she might have taught me that's just downright nasty but I haven't noticed? And I can't question her because she talks down to me and implies that I'm too emotionally unstable to judge properly myself.

My DM does this. My friends, partners, in-laws, neighbours, my Dad, my grandparents, my brother's wife. Aside from her immediate male relatives (brothers and son)... no-one matches up. It is revealing that she has very few friends of her own and is not on speaking terms with a lot of her family. Like you, I also have few close friends and am also very hesitant to put anyone in front of her.... hence why I live 200 miles away and why she has only met my son's father once in 13 years :) Her loss.

My theory is that it stems from insecurity, inadequacy and is a sort of displaced bullying. "Get your retalliation in first", if you like. "Do them down before they can do you down". But never in person because they can't really do actual face-to-face conflict and often come off worse when required to make a logical, reasoned argument.

I won't tolerate it these days. Do my own thing and if she starts bad-mouthing people or spouting ridiculous views I tell her to stop being so stupid.

Mine did it to. No matter who the friend was, something wasn't quite right with all of them. But they were better dressed then me, had better hair. Etc.

My brothers and I have a theory that you can be taught to be a narc and you can be taught to behave like a narc.

As you grow up your parents model and teach you how to behave. My eldest brother is beginning to realise that for a long time, his behaviour modeled our narc mother. And now understands why he didn't get some jobs or have his contract renewed. I too can see how I instantly go on the defensive and will see many a comment as a personal attack, when really it is not. Luckily my fiancé has been very patient when I get angry at his innocent comment. And I recognise it now.

The difference between us and a narc is that we are willing to look at and change our behaviour. Narcs will not see a problem with the way they behave and it is everyone else's problem.

I too find it hard to friends. Acquaintances no problem, but true friends are hard. Although the ones I have are gold.

SomeOne there is a very good article on here about narcissists. If you go to search and put in Niceness versus goodness. It has a link to the huffington post. It described a narcissist so exactly - I was actually amazed when I read it. When you have a bit of free time read it - I hope it will help you see that you need to break free from your mother.

Melanie Tomia Evans writes some interesting things about narcissists on her web site. Also daughters of narcissistic mothers has some interesting articles online. John Bradshaw writes about how to change the cycle of learned dysfunction in his books. Another way you could see a therapist and talk through situations with them, as it will positively reinforce you to move away from taught behaviour/reactions to your real feelings about situations and how you want to deal with them.

You sound afraid that you'll become like her, but that won't happen because you have two things narcs don't have - empathy and self-awareness. You don't have to have millions of friends to be a good friend, and it does sound like you are. You do sound really down about all this though, and your self esteem is low. Therapy would help, but it sounds like you're making a good start.

I've already told DS that if I start to behave like granny, he has my permission to part my hair with a house-brick. :) Fortunately, I am more like my father. Unfortunately, she doesn't like my father..... Pass the gin.

- sorry all out of gin

Oh my goodness, I've just recognised your username as the OP of the other thread with the abusive husband who shakes your baby.

Now you know where you've learned to accept unacceptable behaviour by people who are devoid of empathy: at your mother's knee.

Once you are rid of the abominable husband, therapy is definitely in order. You will have acquired a lot of skewed beliefs from growing up with such a mother.

ie. you should be less afraid of becoming like your mother, and more afraid of continuing to accept people who share traits with her into your life .

Blimey. ^ In which case, get on the NHS therapy waiting list ASAP. Or if you can afford it, private. You are doing so well, I do hope you get the happiness you deserve, and soon.