Advice appreciated on a friendship issue

[MolotovCocktail]

I have a minor friend relationship problem that I'd appreciate some perspective with.

I have a friend, R, who I first met almost 2 years ago when we moved to a new area. Her DS is the same age as my DD1, and we used to attend playgroup together. I thought that she was very sweet, kind-natured and would become a good friend.

We did become friends; would go to the park, for coffee, that sort of thing. She would occasionally remind me that a mutual friend, M, was her "best friend". Fair enough. Maybe a bit much for a 37yo, but fair enough.

R was extremely supportive earlier this year when I had DD2 by ELCS. I think she may have been a little put-out that she didn't meet the baby until she was 6wo, but to be honest, I had a minor complication which meant that I really didn't feel up to having people over. I told herthe details of this but I don't think she completely
understood why I wasn't still going to playgroup at that time.

I posted at a separate time about this particular incident: basically, about 6 months ago, we met for coffee and our friend M came up. M's children have
large age gaps (about 9 and 7 years). I know it's none of my business, but I was curious whether this was a decision she'd made, or whether it was
circumstance (it took us ages to conceive DD2, which i think is what prompted my question). So, I asked R.
She told me that the second and third were full siblings, but the eldest wasn't. She called me later that
day to say that actually, she didn't know, had no idea why she'd lied and please don't tell M.

Weird. But I was in no position to take the high ground
because I shouldn't have been so nosy.

Our DCs starte school in September. My DD was having a hard time adjusting and I was having a hard time with a neighbour (who said she'd walk to school
with us, but would sneak off before we got out the front door, then to ignore us once at school). One morning,
my DD had a meltdown in class just before I left and it upset me. R took me for a coffee and a chat. I told her
how upset I was about my DD and my neighbour. I thought that I could, given feeling quite close to her.
She agreed that my neighbour was out of order, and we shared the same opinions about the situation.

Anyway, since this time, I've felt R back off from me.
She's very clingy to M and only really speaks to me now if there's no-one else around. I'm just a bit because we were quite good chums once. I
don't think I've behaved any worse than her in terms of gossiping but I wonder if this is why she's backed
off?

My DH thinks not, but I'm not so sure. I think that I know she's not really interested in a close friendship with me - and that's fine - but am I doing the right thing in leaving things as they are?

TIA

I always leave these things alone. Who knows why someone suddenly takes umbrage or backs off if they haven't the maturity to actually tell you to your face? My attitude is to get on with life, make new friends and, if she wants to resume your friendship, she knows where you are.

How good friends are you with M? Do you think M has anything to do with it R backing off a bit? Maybe M is jealous of your friendship with R, and R is scared of upsetting M.
Or R is just flakey and unreliable, and you're better off leaving them all to it and make new friends. Easier said then done I know.

TBH I've found that I've lost contact or see a lot less of most of the friends I relied on when DCs were small and we were going to playgroups, especially those who have a child of the opposite gender to mine.

The children are less keen to meet up and if we're honest a lot of the time we were only meeting to get out of the house and keep them occupied. I like these women, but often (with hindsight) we didn't have much in common other than DCs the same age. Once they start school your role as a mother isn't all consuming in the way it is if you're a SAHM to pre-schoolers and you start to get your own life and interests back.

Thanks Cogito, I think that your advice makes sense. It's where I'm at and is how I've conducted myself since. Her way with me is just a real puzzler that plays on the back of my mind sometimes.

Slumber, I'm on friendly speaking terms with M. She's very nice - doesn't strike me as the jealous type. I think, for her own reasons, R is worried about seeming disloyal to M if she's out too much with me. It is also possible that R is flaky.

Virtually, R knows of my neighbour, but I rarely see them talking. My neighbour is part of a strong clique and R is assigned to M.

Whoops, thanks Battle for your input. Yeah, I think maybe R and I are similar but not too much alike. I agree that having children of opposite gender has an effect, too. Fwiw, M's son is also in our DC's class.

Yeah - I may have misread her interest in me; she could be flaky and have changed her mind; maybe she felt she would have been taking sides between my neighbour and I. There are so many 'what ifs'.

If this was a more significant relationship, I'd need to deal with whatever the underlying issue is. But, that would probably be inappropriate in this instance, so I'll remain receptive ... but just leave it as it is.

Thank-you all for your sound advice x

I am sure she's just reverted to being 'best pals' with M.

Additionally maybe she is the kind of person who swerves from anything negative. That's not to say you were grumbling or perpetually falling out with people, but she prefers to keep things light and easy.

Could be oxen: I may well have come over as someone who always seems to have a beef! (I don't, by the way!) x

Honestly it's probably her, not you, IYSWIM.

Not the same, but, remembering my sister's experience with a 'friend', had seen her through many crises, always been a shoulder to cry on, etc.

The one time something really bad affected my DSis, this same friend turned round, and said,

"Actually, DSis, I'm in, like, a really good place right now? So I can't listen to this" and put the phone down!