Separated parents at Christmas

[calypso2008]

Hello all kind enough to read...

Advice needed here:

Recently living apart from DH, although nothing official yet, we will not get back together, pretty sure of that.

My question is: Christmas Eve/Day - we find it really hard to get along and have beautiful DD (4). For me, this is and should be a very special Christmas for her... I feel it is really important her father is here. I have bought all the presents and planned the Christmas bits and pieces (live in Spain so also have two different traditions going on here - DH is Spanish, as is DD really) I suppose I am trying to form wonderful family Christmas memories for her which is difficult in these cirumstances and is making me very anxious.

DH says it is 'just a meal' - it is not important, he cares not for Christmas Day and is very difficult about everything in general. He cannot even seem to speak in a normal tone of voice,if he will speeak to me at all. (Iam not allowed to ask questions, for example)

He comes 'home' every day for lunch though - to see DD and I am happy with this and try to make an effort (even though I feel nervous an hour beforehand) However, I am determined to make a big effort for Christmas and the plan is that he comes 'home' for two days at this time. (he has his own room here - things have been wrong for ages).

What does everone else do in this type of situation? Am truly concerned he will ruin the day but would feel REALLY wrong without him here for DD. What on earth do people do?

Thanks for any advice.

Feeling like such a failure.

Eeek, sorry about typos, v. dicky keyboard...

Please don't feel a failure, you sound a lovely, caring mum to your DD. x.

Thanks Chottie that is so kind of you. Thank you I am trying!

If I knew he would just enter into the spirit for two days it would be fine, but he has poo-pooed the advent calender - everything so far.

I am wondering what people do who are on their own with an absent DH and just 1 child.

I have become (I think they call it 'passive agressive') in that I don' respond to his constant put downs, but he knows Christmas is important to me therefore am worried he is going to ruin it.

Two days sounds too long. Why not just a few hours on Christmas Day? Your DD won't remember how long he stayed for, or barely even remember Christmas this year when she's older.

My ex- H has spent the last 3 Christmas Days at my house, he comes early to be here for when DS opens his stocking, and leaves early evening. We get on OK though, I wouldn't do it otherwise. And I make sure he washes up (it wouldn't occur to him to host the day himself, or cook).

Honestly, though, I would not do it if your H is going to be an arse. It's not worth it, and yor DD will never know any different if you don't do it this year or in future.

Might it be better to make Christmas with DD great for the two of you? Rather than have him come home and rain on everyone's parade. If he really doesn't care and you (and DD) do, maybe the idea is not to include him as much. There are plenty of children from mixed cultures families who celebrate Christmas with one side and Eid (or Hanukkah or whatever) with the other. Children adapt.

He could come for lunch as usual and not spend two uncomfortable days in the house.

I think in the long run a long drawn out separation where your parents are sometimes together and sometimes not can be much more difficult for a child to deal with even if a complete separation makes them feel sad.

I don't think you should be having her dad come home for lunch to see her or come to stay at Xmas, this will not create happy memories. If you have separated then actually separate and make sure your dd understands what is happening by being separate.

This arrangement just sounds like it is potentially creating heartache and pain for you all not making nice memories.

I agree with Offred about the lunches, too - if you are separated that means separate homes and separate time spent with each parent on their own. The coming and going is a source of anxiety for both of you, by the sound of it - and that will be bad for your DD.

Thanks Hatpin Terrys and Offred*

Yes, I am thinking a day is better. Am also worried Offred, that this lunch business is no good, day to day. I am at least pleased DD is only 4 - if I set something certain in place now, then it will be less damaging, surely?

Going to the UK on the 26 as he doesn't like NY either and I just want to get away to see my Dsis, and go to the pantomime, English things etc...

Hatpin your situation sounds good - do you resent ex DH being there? Is he respectful to you? That is my main problem!

It is all so new that I am just trying to do the right thing - not sure how to go about it really, but need to get something in place asap that works!

Really, really worried about the impact on DD

Thanks again so much for your replies

I agree with Offred. I think you need to make the separation a lot clearer and more distinct so that DD gets used to you being a properly two-centre family. I think Dad popping round for lunch etc must be very confusing and therefore more upsetting by comparison. Making DD spend time with parents who don't get along does not lead to happy memories. It's also causing you anxiety & making you miserable trying to keep everyone happy.

Make a happy home for you and DD where you can relax, do your own thing and are each other's top priority. Make it your ex's responsibility - not yours - to do the same his side. Good luck

Yes, changes are difficult for you all. There is not a way to shield dd from it all but children are absolutely brilliant at dealing with changes, much better than adults. Don't run round trying to stop her feeling bad, it is totally right that people are allowed to feel appropriate feelings, especially important that children learn they are allowed to feel appropriate feelings when they are appropriate. If you are definitely splitting up then be completely separate and make your home a happy stable home as others have suggested, let dd feel angry, upset, relieved, confused, whatever emotions she feels about it and make it clear she is loved and supported throughout.

Also, don't make the mistake of micromanaging your ex and his time with dd. If he is not that bothered making an effort on his behalf will just lead to dd being let down harder later on. Put some emphasis on making yourself relaxed and happy which will help dd feel relaxed and happy too.

Firstly, I don't think that you sound passive aggressive by not responding to his put-downs. How dare he come to your house and treat you like this?
I'm concerned that your 'D'H is being disrespectful to you, dismissing things thst are important tp you and to your daughter's cultural education, not allowing you to ask questions. How can that create happy memories for your DD?
He sounds pretty unpleasant. I don't blame you for bring anxious when he comes around. Children are very good at picking up on an atmosphere.
Your daughter will benefit from a happy, anxiety-free mother, and a calm, relaxed home. I think you are trying incredibly hard to minimise the impact of the breakup on your DD - you obviously are putting her first. But try to assess what she's getting from this very unclear set-up, and seeing you being treated like this.
I think that Christmas is one issue but the bigger issue is ongoing contact.

Cogito thank you for your reply. You have all raised something I was completely unaware of - that I need to stop this lunch/trying to get on business. (Especially as it seems futile) I need to shift my mindset. Thank you.

Offred thanks again, when you said 'micromanaging' I couldn't believe it! This is what I have been trying to do - quite wrongly - you are right, but it is exctly what I am trying to do. I have to try and be relaxed (which I am not!) and make my life my own (and DD's) and be in control of my own life and be calm and confident. If I weren't in my husbands country I think I would be more confident. (Not wanting to make excuses here though)

Thanks for the reassurance that DD will be OK if I set life out clearly and am happy myself. My main concern is DD and my DH knows it and so has a hold over me on it.

Finally, ThereGoesTheYear thank you also, so much, for your post. You are very kind and have made me feel alot better and again, you are saying that I need to set the boundries clearer. I think you are so right about Christmas being the smaller issue; its has just brought it all home with such a 'family emphasis' at this time of year.

It is SO far from what I had envisaged. But I know most people get on and cope and do a brilliant job - I just feel exhausted and worried by it all.

Thank you for replying - it really does help

Please don't beat yourself up so much. You sound like you are doing amazingly in extremely difficult circumstances.