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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

meeting the "in laws"

15 replies

easteregg · 13/04/2006 07:53

changed name for this. I am so paranoid about ppl reading really personal stuff, esp to do with boyf as i know he would absolutely hit the roof!! i find it quite frustrating not being able to get advice on such a lot of stuff actually...

anyway here's an attempt to acquire information that might help me with my situation without going too much into my own details...

The question is:
How long was it before you met your "in laws"? And were there any big reasons that you shouldn't or that it should keep being put off? How close was your boyf/dp/dh to his parents/you to yours? Did you have any children that weren't his? And how important was it to you that you met them?

You probably get the picture...

OP posts:

TheBlonde · 13/04/2006 08:08

Met them about 7 mths into our relationship. Would have met them sooner but they live abroad
DH met my folks much sooner as they live much closer

Are you putting it off?

Piffle · 13/04/2006 08:51

I met dp, I had a 6 yr od ds from another relationship
I met dp's parents at xmas, dp and I got together in the september. So 3-4 mths
On the ohone his parents were concerned for him that I had a child, but he said wil til you meet her and the lad.
We met them and I love them almost as much as love dp
They are wonderful people who have taken ds (now 12) into their fold as a grandchild and our own dd now 3.5.
I was terrified of meeting them as so many time, perfect guy, horrendous psycho parents - well in my life anyway

Bozza · 13/04/2006 09:01

I think it was probably a few weeks, but then briefly first time. He picked me up from home, took me back to his house, and then my future SIL gave us a lift into town to go clubbing. But I was only a young thing (22) and DH was still living at home so no issues.

eidsvold · 13/04/2006 11:42

i met mine after a couple of months but we were already engaged when I met them I was overseas for a month not long after we got together, then I went to Ireland and then we moved house - finally got to meet them.

dh wasn't very close but still has a good relationship with them.

eidsvold · 13/04/2006 11:43

i was worried about meeting them as we were already engaged and had an idea when and where we were going to be married when I met them.

Kelly1978 · 13/04/2006 12:04

I met some of my inlaws a few weeks ago for the first time. My dp and I are engaged, have been together over three years, and have one year old dts. I have two older children from a previous relationship, who are 5 and 3. I still haven't met his mum, (maybe this weekend - insert scared emotion!) or his dad (prob never at this rate!). I have met his aunt, who he is closer to than his parents, so that was scary, his gran and his brother.
It has taken so long because I am white and he is indian. His family were very upset when I fell pg (unplanned) and he moved out after they gave him an ultimatum. They felt he was too young, and didn't really want him taking on someone elses kids, and would have preferred him to marry within his own culture. Being Indian, they are a close family so it has been very difficult.
When we finally met it was a relief really, that it was over with after such a build up. Its early days but things seem to be going well. We spent the sun before last there, which was the first meeting, and last weekend we spent most of the weekend with them.
Dp met my family a long time ago, as there wasn't such big cultural issues. For several reasons, I'm not close to my family at all, both emotionally and distances wise, so we rarely see them. I'm hoping that the relationship we build with his family will be closer.

Kelly1978 · 13/04/2006 12:06

Oh and I missed the last question, it was very important to me, as he was close to them, and I didn't want to be causing a rift. I wanted the boys to meet their family, and be involved with them. I'm also hoping that they will see that things aren't as awful as they are imagining, and that we can all get along.

Original poster

easteregg · 13/04/2006 13:08

Thanks for your replies, keep them coming! :)
TheBlonde - it's him putting it off. His mum knows about my dd, his dad doesn't. He is terrified of telling him. That is the big reason I mentioned. I think he needs to grow up personally. He's 30 for christ's sake!! There are no other big issues like cultural problems like Kelly. I think he thinks his dad will be v judgmental, he is quite old fashioned etc. Whenever the subject comes up he says he doesn't want any pressure, and why should it affect our relationship, and he can't see that it is odd or wrong or hurtful to me, and that i see it like that cos i'm close to my family. It is especially important to me now cos we have talked recently about our future, what living together would mean, etc etc (we've been together over 3 yrs). I can't see a future till i meet his parents. Am also very :( for his mum who he is close to, it must be so hard for her not meeting me and dd. (I get the impression she's a long suffering wife, in fact boyf agreed as much). So that's why I wanted to hear other people's stories to see if he's just a freak!

Oh well i've just divulged all the info after all !

OP posts:

anniemac · 13/04/2006 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anadarling · 13/04/2006 13:56

I met first MIL! She used to be my teacher, she liked me so much that she arranged that her son and I met. Before that she kept telling me for a few months how gorgeus, good, nice, etc, her son was. The rest is history. We've been together for 6 years now. Of course MIL and I don't like each other very much now
MIL knew my parents, so DH met my parents as the teacher's son, before we were together.

Original poster

easteregg · 13/04/2006 14:58

anniemac, interesting what you say about knowing he was the man for you. I remember staying at his parents' house when they were away (before boyf moved out of there) and as soon as i walked in I thought omg HOW are we ever going to merge in the future!! From all i have heard, my family/background has been very different from boyf's in lots of ways. I get the feeling my parents are much more open, relaxed, unprejudiced etc than his are. Not that i believe a relationship can only work if you come from identical backgrounds!
And i always worry that that we learn how to treat the opposite sex or how to relate from how our parents were. Boyf sees through his dad completely and doesn't want to be like him at all, and often talks about how disrespectful his dad can be to his mum, but it's funny cos when he describes stuff about his dad i'm thinking, hm, that reminds me a bit of you! I 'm going off the topic a bit here, but it feels relevant cos the fact that boyf hasn't told his dad about dd yet & I haven't yet met them means that he hasn't really fully let go yet of his dad's values and is unable to say - this is me, i'm different, if that makes any sense. I worry that actually he isn't. (different) This is in spite of him saying tons of times recently that he feels completely independent from them now.

OP posts:

Original poster

easteregg · 13/04/2006 18:09

bump for evening

OP posts:

TheBlonde · 13/04/2006 18:49

The sooner he tells his dad the better imho
Not sure how you can convince him too though

TheBlonde · 13/04/2006 18:50

oops - to not too

Original poster

easteregg · 13/04/2006 20:02

I don't know either. Quite a while ago when we talked about it he got very upset about it because he wants more than anything to be able to tell his dad too, so extra pressure from me just made it worse for him. But it came up again recently because we've talked quite a bit about the logistics of living together in the next couple of years, so it suddenly became more of an issue to me again. Maybe it is a commitment thing for him. Only when we really do have that future will he tell his dad, because he will absolutely have to then. Till then he'd rather keep us separate... :(

OP posts:

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