Having concerns

[nowbringussomefiggypudding]

If I am bu it may be because this is in the wrong place. Please advise if there's a better topic for it to go on.

I am concerned at a few things my 3 year old has said to me and attributed to my father. He came in the other day and asked me - "do you like women?". I actually didn't hear him properly, and I didn't know he really knew that word, so I got him to repeat a few times. I said of course I did, and that I was a woman. "No you're not" he replied. Then he said "There are white women and there are black women. White women are nice. Black women are naughty". I was totally shocked, so asked why on earth black women were naughty and who told him that. He said that black women hurt little girls and boys and his grandad had told him.

Cue mind into overdrive, and I've been overanalysing a lot of things. For example last time my parents were here, my son asked me to touch his willy. I said "no, that's private for you". So he said he'd touch mine, when I had to explain I didn't have one. And a few other things he'd said, which I wouldn't think twice about normally - like comment about sticky willies that have to be wiped off.

Also, when he asked about Santa and I told him he was secret, my son piped up "oh, secret like me", then clammed up when I asked what he meant.

I've been analysing lots of things from my childhood. I've had a troubled time and done some stupid things in my life, and lots of times its been suggested I was abused - but I cannot remember anything of the sort, and always denied it. I am wondering now if my awful self-destructive behaviour does spring from some abuse that was in pre-verbal or pre-memory times.

Of course, its my son I am worried about. I don't want anything to sully him. I'm so frightened and its badly affected my relationship with my parents as I don't want to see them as my dad always manages to get my son alone to spend some quality time, and it would be quite hard to prevent this. Having it out with my dad isn't really an option. I've mentioned it to mum, but she has been totally disbelieving.

I feel so bad for writing this, but have obviously name changed. I just want to protect my boy. What would you all do?

They were my quotes, nobody calls it that but me.

My dad may spend time alone incidently with my dd, eg, she may follow my dad into the garden to play while he is gardening, she may sit with my dad while he reads a story while my mum is cooking in the kitchen, but neither my mum or dad actively seek time alone with her iyswim.

Ah, Now I feel very sorry for you as you clearly love your DS and are, naturally, very worried about the things he has said.

Please be brave and take this matter further, perhaps discussing it initially with your GP or HV without your DS being present. Tell them exactly what you have said here. Ask them what you should do. They may then suggest speaking with your DS to establish further facts. I believe it is very important to have this formally documented.

Remember, you DCs are far more important than your Parents and its a real shame that your Mother is unwilling to take your concerns seriously. Please dont allow any of your DCs to be in either of your Parents' company until you have sought advice from your GP, HV or other official adviser.

My best wishes to you and your DCs.

Are you planning to see your father over the holiday period?

Hi everyone,

Due to the sensitive subject matter of this thread, we're going to move it to Relationships.

Grandads don't usually spend 'quality time' alone with their grandsons

Since when?

Grandads being involved with their grandchildren is normal, there is nothing sinister about that at all

However OP you have concerns, alarm bells are ringing and the price of ignoring them is way too high.

Sorry you are going through this.

Indeed, my dad has been very hands on with his grandchildren (5 boys and 1 girl) from an early age.

Nothing even remotely similar to this ever emerged.

Oh please my Dad had my boys full-time from when I went back to work after DS1 was born. Grandad is still the person DS1 goes to with his concerns (11 years later). IMO quality time with Grandads is a vital part of childhood where it is safe and possible.

But I agree this is all very odd and concerning. Did the NSPCC just leave it there or did they suggest what you should do next OP?

I agree with IsaXMASbelleRinging does your dad actively seek 1to1 time with your DS? If he does or tries the push it when obstacles are put in the way, then I would be very concerned.

You could try talking to your DS about good and bad secrets, ie good secrets are like surprises/birthdays/presents that are exciting etc and bad secrets are those that make you feel sad or unhappy etc. It depends on his age (is he just 3 or nearly 4?) and level of understanding but it doesn't hurt to start discussing these concepts so that children become aware of the difference.

You could also start to build awareness in your DS of private body areas, ie that certain areas are private and not to be touched by other people unless mummy knows and agrees (doctors/nurses etc).

'Having it out with my dad isn't really an option' - why is that not an option?
This sentence does add quite a bit of weight to suspicions you are already having. Is he that sort of person who you wouldn't want to rub the wrong way? Isn't it so that abusers get away precisely because of this - noone feels they can have it oit with them and it seems that covering up is easier than confronting the person?

If I was you I would ring the police for an informal chat, see what they think, that surely won't hurt. And absolutely stop your father seeing DS. Your father's hurt feelings are so not important here - if he is not doing anything sinister he will repect your wish. If he kicks off then one has to wonder why. Surely he cannot take DS on 'quality time' without you letting him and if I was you I would scratch his eyes out if he tried to force the 'quality time'...

It is only a matter of a few bedtime stories and a few trips around the village/gardening and doing bonding type things on the 3 or 4 times a year we see them. I guess I just have to go with them everywhere. It would be such a shame if there's nothing going on.... but the racist stuff alone is just so bizarre. My father would never 'kick off', but he is quite sensitive and I just don't want to hurt him, so being present myself is the only way to be sure