Wondering what's normal

[amverytired]

This might be more suitable in mental health, but I'm looking for a more 'normal' range of opinions.
I've had depression on and off my whole life it feels like. I am taking a low dose of anti-ds right now and am feeling pretty well. But I wonder if this is as good as it gets really.
I've had a difficult few years since dc were born (eldest is 9), my dh went through a phase of having depression and taking it out on me and dc. He was verbally, emotionally and even physically abusive (on a few occasions only). We both have had therapy for several years and I'm still in therapy. Dh has made huge progress and our relationship is completely different now, as his his relationship with dc. One of our dc has Asperger's and ADHD which has made life more challenging, we are now getting help here too but it feels as though everyday life is still quite difficult and stressful. I (we) need to be on top of things all the time otherwise dc will have meltdowns, cause chaos with other dc.
I have realised that I haven't really bonded well with my older dc (pnd) and am now trying to rectify that, by spending more time with them and trying to enjoy the little things as much as possible.
The other week we went out for a family walk, we do this fairly often but it usually feels a bit like a duty or chore. This time it was different though and I had that 'bursting with love and happiness'-feeling. I really enjoyed myself and so did dh and dc. I kept thinking about it for ages afterwards.
I realise that I only get that feeling probably a few times a year. On an individual basis I do get the 'overwhelmed with love' feeling for dc occasionally (more so with dc that don't have the ASD/ADHD diagnosis but also for him), but as a family it's pretty rare, possibly because I am having to manage dc so there are no outbursts etc.
I realise that my anti-ds might be numbing me to a certain extent, but this is the lowest dose I have been on and will probably be on this dose long-term.
I'm wondering if others have the 'bursting-with happiness'- feelings more often, because realistically a few times of the year feels a little slim.
I know this sounds a bit pathetic, but having MH issues means I really have very little idea of what is 'normal' for others (I also know from therapy that it shouldn't matter what others feel, but I'm asking anyway

I would say I'm pretty happy overall but I don't get the "bursting with happiness" thing that often - I would say 2-3 times a year too. You've had a lot to contend with, and a heap of ongoing stress, so it's not surprising that the days often get consumed with coping.

Perhaps you could make a conscious effort to do enjoyable activities a bit more often?

Your ADs should not be numbing your emotions imho and ime. But it does sound like you have a lot to cope with.

I have been depressed (in my case, much to do with Ex) and found ADs helped, without numbing. But I often had those 'bursting with happiness' feelings about DC - they kept me going.

Keep remembering those feelings, perhaps practice will help as it were. Spy on your kids (while they are sleeping, while they are playing) and feel how lovely they are.

I can't remember the last time I felt "bursting with happiness" but I'm a very functional adult.

I've had periods of depression and took ADs on & off for about 8 years after my ex-H left. One of my DCs is also ASD, so you have my sympathy, as I think coping with them is quite tiring & sometimes draining.

I have to work, but I think that has been a good thing, as it has given me something to focus on outside of the demise of my marriage, shitty relationships, being single & the DCs.

I have got much better at taking one day at a time and finding pleasure in small things. In fact, I would say, I no longer expect to burst with happiness ever, but I am often content.

You sound in quite a good place to me amverytired - so congratulate yourself on being remarkably normal!

Thanks for the replies. It's good to know I'm not way off 'normal' happiness iykwim. My children are a handful, but can also be delightful and I've noticed that they really just love to see me enjoying being with them - which happens more now than it used to at least. I have my own bonding issues with my parents and I want it to be different for my children, but it's hard when you have no role model - I feel like I'm flailing around in the dark sometimes.
Regarding doing enjoyable activities - it's hard to know what will end up being enjoyable with 3 young dc! The things you think should be enjoyable often are not, and the ordinary can be fantastic I've found (like the walk vs. an expensive trip to somewhere child-oriented). I keep meaning to read up on 'mindfulness' - but I suspect that by trying to enjoy the little things we will get there.