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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So how SHOULD I be feeling?! A messy split :-(

25 replies

DamnedAgain · 18/12/2012 19:50

I am unhappily married and in process of separating from OH.

I met someone at work who asked me out and we have had 5 weeks of real happiness together, we really clicked on a physical and emotional level, he said he loved me, wanted to marry me, was all he had dreamt of, and were starting to talk about 'a future' together. He was kind, patient, loving (all I had not had in my marriage).

He was in an unhappy relationship, not living together, not married but seeing someone who he had not officially broken up with.

His partner found out about us due to a crossover of emails which I don't understand, she saw an email he sent me somehow declaring his love for me (it went to her phone).

He has now said we need to 'call it a day', is embroiled with the fallout from what happened. We are still in contact and he wants to 'be friends'.

I am distraught and think 'no way' - I mean, I want so much more than that. He says he feels 'torn', needs the dust to settle and we have agreed (at my instigation) a period apart to see how we both feel.

Now the final thing is that he said he bought me a Christmas present (which I think was a charm for my bracelet, something to remind me of him) and it has become apparent he is no longer planning to give me this, he will return it I guess!! I am so upset.

I guess I may be flamed as he was in a relationship - but I only know what he told me (I am a fool I guess) and am devastated as he said we would be together and we were talking 'long term'. I had let myself believe we could be together and totally fallen for him. I now am back in my unhappy and disintegrating marriage and feel angry, heartbroken and used. He says he cares about me and misses me and still thinks about me - but none of this feels enough (or is it, and IABU??)

Any words of wisdom, either to show me where I went wrong, get me back on my feet, or any ideas on how to go forward from here would be hugely welcomed. I am numb and no longer sure what to feel!

OP posts:

VBisme · 18/12/2012 19:55

5 weeks? How old are you?

Bizarrely I have a fb friend, (ex colleague) who has regular intense relationships where he posts all over fb about how amazing his new "lady" is and how they're soul mates, then either they dump him or he dumps them, it's all played out over fb and the rest of us end up feeling a bit sick.

Move on, he's a loser.

Original poster

DamnedAgain · 18/12/2012 20:00

Have just calculated accurately,and was 7 weeks actually, but I guess that doesn't make any difference...

OP posts:

VBisme · 18/12/2012 20:03

Not really, I think he saw you were vunerable and moved in, promising the world, but he doesn't sound mature.
Thats a lot of talk in 7 weeks.

squeakytoy · 18/12/2012 20:03

I think you need to get yourself out of the marriage you are in, let that dust settle, and then look to a new relationship. This situation is far too messy.

Original poster

DamnedAgain · 18/12/2012 20:06

I am right not to countenance being 'friends' then...?

It seems a shame on one level as we had so much in common and talked for hours. But on the other hand I am not happy to be '2nd best'.

OP posts:

VBisme · 18/12/2012 20:13

No, don't be friends, as squeaky says, get out of your current marriage and get yourself in a good position with your self esteem, I don't think you'd have fallen for this in other circumstances.

Teeb · 18/12/2012 20:15

Why are you still married? You don't want to be 2nd best, but what is your husband in all of this?

Original poster

DamnedAgain · 18/12/2012 20:17

I don't love my husband any longer, I am scared of him, he is nasty, controlling and I live a life of emotional and financial abuse. There is a long story behind all of this, but the bottom line is I wish I listened to my gut feeling / instinct and had never married him. I am trying to extricate myself and stay safe.

OP posts:

Jemma1111 · 18/12/2012 20:18

I think all this talk of him having a partner who saw an email is total bollocks, I would say he's using this as an excuse to finish with you .

To him, you have served your purpose . He's used you .

Btw, you should run for the hills from any man who says he wants to marry you so quickly ! This guy sounds like a twat and you are well rid

Original poster

DamnedAgain · 18/12/2012 20:20

Jemma I hear what you say, but it is true about her seeing the email, he called me while she was there screaming in the background.

It feels as though he is pretty spineless TBH and has not had the courage to deal with the 'other relationship. and has just caved in and ended things with me. Either that or he never intended to finish other relationship at all - and was just spinning me a load of bollocks as you say.

OP posts:

botoxschmotox · 18/12/2012 20:21

It sounds like he moved in on you when you were at your most vulnerable and in need of attention. Be kind to yourself, lick your wounds, get sorted with your marriage and get going again. You'll be really glad you didn't pursue this friendship in a few months - guarantee it.

Original poster

DamnedAgain · 18/12/2012 20:21

By the way, we never has sex - he said he wanted to wait and for it to be special - of course now it appears he was just wanting to tell his partner he was never unfaithful!

OP posts:

Teeb · 18/12/2012 20:24

I think the spinning a load of bollocks is most likely. It's not the first time.

Have you contacted women's aid? I'm concerned for you op that you say your husband is nasty and controlling (has he ever been aggressive or shown violent tendencies?) and you're getting into a tangled web with a man who is in a relationship. It seems like you could be in a vulnerable position, what if his girlfriend finds out who you are and tells your husband?

Original poster

DamnedAgain · 18/12/2012 20:26

Teeb, part of me would actually welcome that happening, as then OH would kick off and I would have a real valid concrete reason to leave. He has never hit me but shouts at me, belittles me, hits DC and I have no financial freedom. I hate him. This other guy was so kind to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

DamnedAgain · 18/12/2012 20:30

My God, I am destroyed. I LOVED this other guy, call me stupid but I know what I felt.

I have been stupid, I allowed myself to hope I could be happy and he would be the way out... :-(

OP posts:

Teeb · 18/12/2012 20:33

Of course you have reason to leave him op, you just need the strength and support to make it happen. I can tell you one thing though, is that you won't get that help and support from this other man. I understand you may be feeling fragile and hurt right now about it all, but that won't make anything better. All he is is a distraction from the real issue, that you and your children are being abused and you will never be happy while you are still in an abusive relationship.

Do you have any friends and family around you who could help?

squeakytoy · 18/12/2012 20:34

He called you while she was there???? thats considerate behaviour.. not!!

No you didnt love him. You may have lusted after him, but you didnt even know him well enough to love him after such a short space of time. What you have is a need to find some sort of escape from a situation you are miserable in.

No man is your "way out". You dont need another man to hold the exit door open for you, you can do it all by yourself, and should do.

Original poster

DamnedAgain · 18/12/2012 20:37

Thank you Teeb, I just miss him so much, he met DC and was so nice to them.

I guess I need to face up to the fact that it is over with him, but so hard, he says he will always be here for me as a friend - but more bollocks I guess....?

The gift thing has really hurt me - pathetic I know! - but OH wasn't planning to get me anything - and has been quite open about that fact - zilch - not even a bunch of flowers. I just wish his partner hadn't found out until after Xmas - then at lkeast I would have had one gift. Am sorry to be so pathetic and selfish p cannot see for cryting now.

OP posts:

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 18/12/2012 20:39

Well, he's a dick but he's done you a bit of a favour in giving you the impetus to get rid of your nasty H. It's just as well he's run off, really, as he sounds like a selfish loser himself. Unfortunately there are some men who have this 'rescuer' streak and are actually pretty abusive themselves, any relationships they have are really all about them and their egos.
Get rid of abusive H and promise yourself to remain single for a whole year, while you work on your self esteem and your boundaries, and then if you do decide you want to date again, you will be better armed against knobbers, predators and cocklodgers.
Unfortunately, women who have had one abusive relationship often go on to have another, only with a different kind of abuser eg if you have escaped a violent man, you may end up with a lazy one, or a druggie, or a gaslighter. If you have escaped an alcoholic man, you may end up with a controlling bully, because you see the new man in terms of 'Well he can't be as bad as XP' - but that doesn't mean he's good, either.

Original poster

DamnedAgain · 18/12/2012 20:40

Squeaky - yes he called me to end it while she was there - under pressure from her I guess.

My parents live locally but my mother has advanced dementia any my dad is unwell. They are not able to be much practical or any emotional support.

OP posts:

foreverondiet · 18/12/2012 20:43

I think need to put this on hold until divorce is sorted. If its meant to be then it will be..... Ok to be friends in meantimes but might be easier with no contact.

squeakytoy · 18/12/2012 20:45

It also sounds to me as though his relationship was not quite as unhappy as he led you to believe (or his partner believed either).

solid is 100% right, in that when you are looking for an escape route from one bad relationship, it is very easy to end up in another one because you are only judging the new man on the shit behaviour from the old one.. have time to yourself first before getting involved with anyone else, and get your own self esteem and confidence back. You have kids too, and it really wouldnt do them much good for you to go from one mess into another serious relationship without time to adjust either.

VBisme · 18/12/2012 20:55

I don't think that letting him meet your children after a few weeks was sensible. Particularly if you're still married.

You didn't know him very well, and you didn't have a physical relationship, how can you possibly think you were in love (obsessed with getting out of your marriage maybe?).
I ask again, how old are you?

Original poster

DamnedAgain · 18/12/2012 20:59

VBisme - I am unsure that the fact that we didn't have a physical relationship has anything to do with knowing whether I loved him - rather the opposite I would have thought? i.e. it was not just 'lust' based. I'm sorry I am not happy disclosing my age, I am between 30 and 40.

OP posts:

Original poster

DamnedAgain · 18/12/2012 21:01

I did know him quite well to be fair, I worked with him for a while before he made his feelings known. We worked in an intense environment where we faced some pretty extreme things together, we knew one another fairly well.

OP posts:

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