Spending Christmas with people you HATE!

[Cbell]

Ok, so hate is far too strong a word more like dislike intensely.

I know this is a horribly bitchy post and I should be above such behaviours but I need to vent.

Mine is my sister in-law. She's amazing. A maths PHD, a lawyer and a marathon runner. Quick witted and at time the life and soul of the party. She can also be rude, judgmental and argumentative. She's upset several family members on numerous occasions. This has resulted in us all trying to please her so that she is a) happy and consents to being with us and b) not mean to anyone.

Since I've been at SAHM I feel her opinion of me has dwindled. She seems to think my views on motherhood are sexist and oppressive (they are bloody not!). I can't argue with her or even engage her in a constructive conversation on the matter because she's agressive and I feel judged.

She can also be kind and very thoughtful and I've had many a happy nights sharing a bottle of wine with her. However, this seems to happen less now I'm a mother.

Anyway I've got to spend three days with her over Christmas and I am consumed with anxiety. I'm trying to read-up on current affairs so that I can hold my own in conversation and run so that I don't feel like a porker. Part of the problem in clearly my own insecurities...but certainly not all of the problem.

Anyone else want to vent?

Do you have to engage in the kind of conversations which would result in debate on her touchy subjects? Can't you just keep it light? The weather, the kids, Christmas, what's on tv? Or let her talk about herself, and just refuse to argue. Pour yourself some wine, and try to stay calm.

She may be envious of you, you know.

I feel you. I, too,will be spending Christmas with people I'd rather body swerve.

To make matters worse, I have a 12 day old baby and recovering from an horrendous time in hospital where my spinal fluid leaked after epidural.

No advice, just hand holding & letting you know you're not on your own.

Smile, have a few wines, don't try to compete, enjoy y your Xmas who cares what she thinks about sahm -try not giving a toss!

Mine is my grandad. Self made millionaire type. Absolute control freak and very rude to boot. I refuse to visit at any time now as I really am sick of sitting there on Christmas Day, trying to not cry at year another comment on my weight/size.

Cbell, when I have to spend time with people I don't like I just don't talk. I wouldn't deliberately ignore someone if they asked me a question but I would give an answer that halts the direction the conversation is taking. Don't feel you need to read up on current affairs or engage with her at all - you don't like her you don't have to pretend you do, honestly.

I have two opposing points of view:

One is that families at Christmas are nightmares and that you are anxious about it says a lot. I have some escape tactics: go to your room and spend 10 mins longer there than you need to, it essentially gets you out of any difficult conversations and excuses for going to your room are always around. Volunteer for lots of jobs then do them a bit quietly and diligently, throwing in the odd pithy comment but always 'busy' if things get too intense. And take the kids out for walks. A lot.

The other is that the above describes exactly how my SIL behaves, and I find her really boring! I'm not that argumentative but as a family, half of them really like a good bit of political banter, and the other half cannot cope at all, so they either slink off or comment on how we're spoiling things by 'arguing'. It is hard being around people with No Opinions, just as it's hard being around too many opinions.

On balance just go out with the kids a lot?

"she's agressive and I feel judged. "

You mean you feel she's superior to you? Is it insecurity talking? You either dodge the thorny subjects and do as I do... suddenly start studying the Radio Times bumper edition... or you down another glass of sherry and roll up your sleeves for a fight. The poor cow is probably bored stiff sitting there with all the rellies and looking to you for a bit of lively tit for tat conversation.

Top tips...

1)Plan strategies for likely scenarios in advance and follow all above advice about escaping/dodging difficult topics.

2. Get your other half onside and work out team tactics. Have a code word for when you really need rescuing!

3. Have rules and scripts for what you will/will not say/do.

4. Plan some safe subjects (weather, traffic, etc).

Have helped me with many tricky family gatherings!

I'd just avoid her, there will be plenty of other people there to talk to. Avoid sitting next to her, play with your kids, chat to your husband, help cook, if it is awful tell your husband you aren't keen to spend this long in her company again.
I tend not to have people I dislike that intensely but I am good at just avoiding people I'm not keen on and probably have enough confidence not to let people I dislike bother me. I'd drag my husband out for a walk or sit and read a book. I find I can only be sociable for so long so wouldn't go and stay somewhere for 3 days where I had to socialise with everyone constantly for 3 days, luckily most relatives like a bit of time to themselves and are happy to split into smaller groups as well.

Don't feel intimidated by her she's probably the most insecure of the lot. Prickly people like this in my experience are usually quite insecure and are very jealous. Remember you've got what she has not.
Be proud to be a SAHM. Why not, you are not a second class citizen. I had a career, but am now a SAHM, and I am always extremely busy usually with friends etc., and have a great time - why be ashamed of being a SAHM it's wonderful - be proud of it - shout about it make her more bloody jealous and she might come down off her high horse. There's nothing wrong with you, you just need to give yourself a good talking to and find some inner strength.

The whole SAHM/do you work thing is so boring though. Why care either way? I have done both, and people either talk too much about their home life (it isn't interesting) or talk too much about their work (it also isn't interesting) and the problems of having kids and working (it isn't interesting). basically what takes up 8 hours or more of your day is likely to be fairly dull one way or another, same is true of all of us.
Talk about something else!

Yes, I do need to give myself a good talking to and accept that some of the difficulties I have are to do with my own insecurities.

We are a very sociable family. So over those three days we will ALWAYS be together. Eating, drinking and talking. Not respite infront of the tv for us.

I do have a range of coping strategies. It's just that I get so bloody cross with her. For things she does now but also past grievances. None of my other relationships make me feel bad about myself because as an adult you learn to stay away from people who don't make you feel happy.

I just need to get to a calm place in my mind. VENT, VENT, VENTING...feeling a bit better. Thanks

Gin helps.
Wink

OP, get yourself a couple of books and just sit there reading! That's what I'll be doing next week at MIL's.

I'm going to read Daughters in Law by Joanna Trollope!! I've never seen MIL read a book in the 18yrs I've known her & I know it'll wind her up

I would be making plans not to spend Xmas with annoying SIL next year, time to have Xmas day just you and the DC etc. if at all possible. The thought of that might help you get through the day more easily?

I have my parents coming for Christmas, I very very strongly dislike the thought of this. Haven't invited them for 4 years so felt guilted into it (and have been regretting this guilt-driven invitation ever since). My dad will such any pleasure or relaxation out of any event. He doesn't approve of christmas trees, rudolph, father christmas, snowmen, alcohol, fun, fat or sugar, and so the list goes on. And he never stops talking about himself and his health problems, he snaps at the children and tells them off, he moans when not fed full meals every 2 hrs, and he's quite incapable of saying thank you or anything nice to anyone who has cooked or been hospitable to him.

Unfortunately my siblings feel the same so we all mostly avoid inviting them but every now and then one of us cracks.

I can't bear the thought of spending 2 days with them over Christmas, they certainly spoilt it for me last time they came. Last time I got drunk on Christmas eve and stayed drunk til they'd left on Boxing day. I know this is not great coping behaviour, which is why I don't spend most Christmases with them.

What I am going to do is probably drink a lot agian, and then I am not going to invite them for another 4 years, so I've basically written off enjoying Christmas for this year to get 3 guilt-free years.

If anyone else wound me up like this I think it would be simple, I would not agree to see them at Christmas. Parents are a problem. All that guilt imposed on you because they had you and brought you up, so you have to put up with them even when they drive you to depression, alcohol abuse and worse.

Hm, my vent got a bit venty there didn't it?

I don't really get on with my DSis and I find the best thing to do is to find things to do together that don't really involve talking. Card games are good for us, playing with the DCs, watching a film together. Even just cooking/washing up together. And then sometimes when we've got something like a card game to take up part of our attention and make it a bit less intense, then we do actually chat in a quite relaxed way. I want her stay to be a pleasant experience for us all - her included, so try to find ways of getting over our differences.

Yes Dotty, I was going to suggest cards too. Also, it can only be an argument if you allow it. When she comes out with outrageous views, just say in a disinterested tone, 'really, is that so?', 'yeah, maybe' etc. Takes the wind out of people's sails all the time.