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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me. How should I handle this? (long)

5 replies

wongadotmom · 18/12/2012 10:37

A bit of background but I'll try to be as brief as poss! I come from a large but close family and this year has been horrendous mainly due to family bereavements. My uncle died suddenly at the beginning of the year and very soon after my beloved little cousin became seriously ill and then passed away in the summer.
Throughout the year I have been feeling that my Dsis1 and I have been becoming very distant and I now avoid going to her house as much as possible as she had been very rude and dismissive with me, I think I first started to notice something when we were on a big family holiday at Easter and I tried to put it down to me having a toddler DC and her 3 DDs are young adults so we did separate things. I spent more time with Dsis2 who has much younger DCs.
I tried not to let it bother me and I had no idea why she was like this until I had to go to her house in July to discuss our cousin's funeral arrangements. She pulled me up on some gossip on FB (she doesn't use it, her DDs do and I was friends with them, she looks on their FB).
Her DD3 had started a relationship in Feb with a man older than her who had been living with another woman and their young son. My DN3 had been horrendously abused by this other woman and her friends via FB (very undignified) and my unfortunate eyes did see this, I admitted to Dsis1 that I had seen it when she asked me. The gossip had got to my Dmum via Dsis1's DD1. My Dmum had apparently been very judgemental of this new relationship and this judginess was relayed back to Dsis1 via her DD1.
As far as Dsis1 was concerned the gossip must have come from either me, Dsis2 or Dsis3 and she was going to pull them up on it too. Bear in mind we live in a small town and her DDs have at least 1,000 FB friends each. Dsis1 informed me then that her DD3 had deleted me, Dsis2 and Dsis3 from FB as she was so paranoid.
After the funeral I felt so down and depressed about losing our beloved cousin and wondered how could my Dsis1 make such a big deal out of (AFAIC) trivial childish gossip especially at a time like this? I removed myself from FB but it didn't help me as I have some friends on there that I enjoy interacting with and who I don't see. I restarted my account but blocked all my DNs, many of their friends, their enemies, all their extended family and most of my own lovely extended family! I have only a small number of friends and a huge block list! I have detached from Dsis1 and only see her by chance or if I have to (family dos etc). I just want a quiet life. Honestly I have enough of my own shit going on!
My DN1 has made herself a new FB account and added Dsis2 and Dsis3 she found me through them and added me as a friend. As I want to continue to detach and have a quiet life I blocked her new account.
However this has not worked! She texted me a couple of weeks ago to ask me what she has done to upset me and why have I blocked her and her 2 sisters from FB! She is a grown woman and a mother herself BTW. I text her back not to worry about FB and I will explain next time I see her. I don't want to lie to her but I don't want things to get worse. I was going to tactfully explain that there are certain things I don't want to see on my FB homepage and that I also want to protect my privacy. I know I shouldn't have to explain myself but she will not leave it. Now she is texting me asking when I am off work she wants to see me to clear the air about why I have blocked her from FB before we inevitably meet up over the Xmas party season. I really don't have time for this ridiculousness. How do I handle it? I don't want things to be any shitter than they are but I don't want to be bullied into accepting them on FB! Arrrggghhh!!!!!

OP posts:
bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 18/12/2012 10:45

So you have detached from your sister because she asked if you had spread some gossip about her dd?
She also asked your other sisters as well?

I am sure logically she knows other people could have told your mum or she could have asked your mum who told her.

But is it worth all this hassle? I assume there is more to this.

wongadotmom · 18/12/2012 10:56

I have chosen to detach from Dsis1 because of the way she has been treating me this year and because I don't deserve to be made to feel uncomfortable. There is more to this, I think my Dsis must be unhappy but I have my own shit going on in my life and I don't take it out on other people. I thought I was doing the right thing by detaching and leaving meetings with her and her DDs to chance but it seems now that DN1 is having none of it. I don't know how to handle it the right way from here other than just unblock everyone from FB! Arrrggghhh!!!

OP posts:
bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 18/12/2012 11:09

I just don't think you should disengage from your dn.
I am sure there is a reason dsis has been distant this year, why not ask?

If you are not interested in the reason, that's fine. But to then extend the same reaction to your dns seems a bit mean. They are adults and you can have a relationship independent of their mum.

If dn wants an answer regarding fb. Answer her. Give her the facts. Which are you don't ant to be blamed for gossiping about sometime on fb.

wongadotmom · 18/12/2012 17:54

I am not disengaging from DNs, I just don't want to see them on my FB! This seems to have been taken as a snub by DN1 though. I wouldn't expect most adults to notice or even care about whether someone has blocked them from FB- I really am too old for this!

OP posts:
TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 18/12/2012 19:18

Now she is texting me asking when I am off work she wants to see me to clear the air about why I have blocked her from FB before we inevitably meet up over the Xmas party season.

I don't use Facebook so I don't know how you balance rl and who can see what. Please talk to her face to face in a calm neutral setting, this is such a shame to end what must have been a very sad year for your family, squabbling over who blocked whom or what. Do as she suggests, clear the air in person, at least give it a go!

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