My brother- is this mean? and AIBU?

[Mincepiesforme]

This has suddenly got to me.
My brother 48- unmarried, never had a long term relationship, no kids, lives alone etc., but very near to our parents (I live 300 miles away) .

In all the time I've been married to DH ( over 20 years) he has never ever bought him a Xmas pressie or sent a birthday card.

This was suddenly brought home to me when we recently exchanged presents on a visit.

In addition he's quite mean with presents for our parents who are old and not well off by any means.

That's a bit by the way though.

He's given each of my DCs a voucher for £10 for years but now they are working I've told him he can stop if he wants to. So each year he's bought for me, the DCs and never DH.

He is not hard up- not rolling in it but has enough to spend £££s on his hobbies every year, and on holidays.

If the boot was on the other foot, I couldn't imagine turning up at his place and not handing over a gift to his wife or partner if he had one.

AIBU?

YANBU but some people are natural born tightwads. Not sure what you do about it.

I can't do anything but I suppose I just wanted to gather some opinions. I could almost accept it if he gave us a present that was distinctly for the two of us- something nice for the home for instance- but no, my gift is adddressed to me and never costs more than £10. I don't mind that so much but there is never much thought put into it either.

Does he get on well with your husband?

For me where adults are concerned it depends where I'm going Christmas Day.

I'm off to my sisters so will buy her, her boyfriend and my neice something. If I wasn't going there I'd only buy for my neice.

So are you saying that you only buy for your sister if you actually see her on the day itself?

Sorry but that's not how it works for me. I never see my parents or brother at Xmas due to location and work etc. But we make a visit a couple of weeks beforehand and hadn over gifts- or I post them all.

For some people presents are not a big deal. Your DB gives the same presents every year, is not particularly generous or imaginative, but it doesn't sound like there's any malice in it. Also some maybe some men aren't bothered about buying other men presents.

Yes, only buy for adults if I see them or spend time with them over Xmas.

Christmas for me is for kids really.

I also see it the way janelikes jam does.

It was only when I told him we were getting divorced that my bro disclosed he had always loathed and despised XH. As long as we appeared to be a solid unit he never said anything. Could be something like that going on.

Well unless you are planning on playing Spin The Bottle, truth or dare next time you all get together, you could ask him? Pick a quiet moment, and as you did here, more in a light-hearted puzzlement rather than tense annoyance, ask what's behind this? It may be nothing to do with how DB regards your DH, perhaps it just never crossed his mind...

mincepies When you had your recent exchange of gifts was it your brother who was visiting you or vice versa ? For whatever reasons, this latest exchange has now got you thinking of all years when only you and your children and not your DH.

To me, your brother appears to have kept up this practice of sending gifts over the years whilst you say you never see your parents or brother at Xmas but make a visit beforehand to hand over gifts or post them.

Rather than bemoaning the monetary value of your brother's presents, could this Christmas/ New Year be a time when you don't arrange a visit beforehand but be there in person ? There could also be a simple explanation as to why your brother does'nt seem to have sent your DH any presents

He seems just like my brother, he has never had a relationship, kids etc lives on his own, quite wealthy but never bought me a wedding present and on my ruby anniversary this year my sisters gave but he didn't. I haven't seen him for ten years, spoke to him for six years, he sees one sister and speaks to the other on the phone quite often, when she told him that my DH was in hospital he changed the subject. I have never fallen out with him but it's his choice and he will never change, I have never had a christmas present from him since I got married and I think before that my mother bought all the presents and said they were from him. Found out tonight that he sends my sister and my neice a christmas card every year even though they don't send him one but I never get one or my children. I don't let it bother me as he is just one of many family members on mine and my DH side that are like this.

My sisters have never given my DH a present, it's never bothered me and he's never mentioned it. My BIL does give me presents though. I wonder if I should tell DH to get his brother's partner a gift? It's the first time we'll see them at Christmas this year (other years partner's been at parents) so would it be bad form for him to have nothing for her?

It probably just hasn't occurred to him. I've started to buy my SIL presents because year after year for a couple of years they bought for my husband. The first year we were surprised, the second year we felt guilty and the third year we started buying for her too - realising it was the done thing. I was just so used to buying just for my nearest family!

Definately wouldn't get my knickers in a twist about this. Some blokes just don't do cards or gifts unless they really have to. Also consider he is buying three gifts for your family from his budget and you as a family are buying him one - maybe he thinks he's doing his bit and your DH won't mind

My sister has never bought for my DH or DSD and stopped buying for my DS when I split up with his dad.

She also sent me an invitation to her sons wedding saying ... 'yuleheart and partner' you're not telling me after we've been together 15+ years she still doesn't know my DH's name. (I declined the invitation from both of us and both children).

Families are weird!

My sister and I have agreed not to buy for our OH. The adult buying gift thing can get out of hand and the pressies are generally awful and unwanted. We buy for each other and the dcs though. Certainly my own dh is fine with that but his family don't buy for each other (or me) at christmas or birthdays so seems perfectly natural to him.(They do buy something v small for dcs) I don't they're mean as such, just frugal. They'd help out ina heartbeat with big stuff, gave us a v generous present when we got married and when we had dcs and when we did building work on house.

If I were you I think I'd tell him to stop buying. What's the point with £10 gifts? Leave it and meet him for dinner or something instead.

Plus I think after the first few years it's really difficultto continue to think of suitable different gifts!

Does your DH buy your brother presents and birthday cards? Maybe he considers the presents are from you alone and not joint ones.

He may not like the idea of giving two presents and only receiving one back? Who knows. After all this time, I would leave it.

In my family we buy presents for couples - token things mainly, so this year I have some tablemats that were requested for DSis and her partner, a DVD for SIL and her partner. We will receive similar rather than individual presents. It does actually work out a lot of gifts for a single person to buy compared to a family; both my DBros get a present from us, and will buy a joint one for me and DH, plus one each for our DC.

I don't think he sounds mean, it sounds more like he doesn't have anyone around suggesting that his behaviour might change. Presumably when you and your dh were first together your db didn't buy him a present and neither you, nor your parents, said anything to him? So how would you expect him to think any different now?

I sometimes think that lots of present-buying and card-giving is led by females, and if your dp doesn't have an influential woman in his life, he may never have thought about it. My dh was commenting recently about his work where there was a frenzy of presents giving and a flurry of card exchanging amongst the female members of staff whilst the men stood around sort of nodding at each other and mumbling, Merry Xmas.

Not worth you getting upset over.