Ended an affair...

[OldFannyAdams]

I expect to be flamed, and I am certainly not expecting any sympathy, but I would just really like to know if anyone else has been in this situation and if so, what did you do? How did you deal with it?

I have been having an affair for three months. I have been married for twelve years; the OM has been married five years. We both have young children. I know how bad this all is :-(

I ended the affair last night and told the OM not to contact me again. I believe he will respect this request, as we spoke frankly and agreed that we just cannot carry on this level of deception and risk the pain we are going to cause to our respective families.

So, I am adamant that it is over. How do I move on? I have no idea how to just step back in to my life and pretend this didnt happen. It feels like compounding a very bad lie. But I know there would be no point in telling my DH. Or would there? I guess what I am saying is that I am now, finally, trying to do the right thing - but how? How do you do the right thing when you have done something so terrible? What is the right thing to do?

There is no point telling your DH unless you believe the marriage is pretty much over. No point crushing the man just because you're struggling a little to move on and think honesty would make you feel better. This is not his problem to fix, it's yours and, if you want your marriage to continue, you'll have to make a massive effort to recommit and keep your affair secret, possibly for the rest of your life. Of course, if you think the marriage is over then the 'right thing' is then to be utterly honest and end it. No half-measures.

You have to find out why you had the affair or you will be forever at risk of having others. You can't pretend it didn't happen, it did - you made a series of decisions which led you to deceive those you profess to love and care for.
Counseling where you can openly discuss your actions and feelings may help.

Only you know - or will come to know - what it was that made you cross the societal and personal boundaries to have an affair and why you risked your marriage.

As to telling your DH, what would you be wanting to gain from that? If you think it would improve your marriage because you both would have to face up to present difficulties.... or if you think telling him would cause the marriage to end and that's what you want... only you can judge the probable results from telling but you can't know certainly what your DH reactions and the consequences would be.

On a more practical level, you delete all OM contact details, emails, texts etc. and if the OM does contact you, you ignore and do not engage in any further communication. Likewise, you resist contacting him as although you may be adamant today..... next time you row with your DH or have a crap day at work you may feel the need to contact OM.

Agree with everyone else. If you value your marriage don't tell your DH whatever you do.

You've done the right thing ending the deception. Ring the samaritans, see a counsellor, come on here to vent if you want, but don't spread the agony to your family. Get a grip and keep telling yourself you've now done the right thing for the right reasons.

Cut all contact, get rid of any evidence. I hope you can trust OM to do the same.

There is no right answer to 'should I admit it'.
the only way to figure if you should, is to think about it the other way round. If you dh was having an affair and ended it and decided that he wanted to remain in the marriage, would you want to know?
If you can honestly say that you wouldn't want to know then there is the answer.
If you are wanting to recommit to your dh and family. You need to actually recommit. Either privately or come clean and hope dh wants to forgive.

don't make a half hearted attempt and then end up here again. Its not fair on your dh or you kids.

It will be worse for your DH if he finds out, rather than you confessing it. If of course you can be 100% sure he will never find out, that's a different matter. But were you ever seen with OM? Will he confess to his DW (who may have held suspicions/evidence)? What might she do?

Also consider what you need to do in terms of yourself if you want to work on your marriage. Absent a confession, this will be a unilateral project. Now, you may be able to work round that and continue a good enough marriage even though you continue to hold secrets from your spouse. The risk here is that with any relief in 'getting away with it' and continuing to go it alone, you may not fully examine (and eliminate) the factors that led to the affair.

Or you can risk it, come clean and commit to fixing your marriage with both of you in possession of the full facts; in effect making a fresh choice of each other (or to leave).

Why the urge to tell your DH? Answer: guilt. So, in order to relieve YOURSELF of the guilt YOU CAUSED, you try and offload it and share it with your spouse, in the hope of getting comfort and relieving the lonliness.

Wrong.

What you do, is cause another blameless person indescribably agony - pain you never intended. Because affairs are the one thing where the intention to hurt, and the destruction caused, is on the level of pulling the pin out of a hand grenade. Or pressing the lever down on a dynamite charge. Or pushing the nuclear button.

This guilt is pain you are responsible for, and which you must bear on your own.

(Told me by a psychotherapist).

sorry, left out: the one thing where intention and result are completely out of proportion, on the level...

The most important thing right now is finding out why you - a married woman with kids - had an affair with a married man with kids, which is the worst kind of affair. And don't look for causes and blame outside of you. Look at you.

Once you've done that, decide if you're still the same person who could do that again. Decide how you feel about your husband once you've conned him and kept him in the dark. You might irrationally lose respect for him.

This secret isn't just yours so there will always be a risk of your husband and kids finding out from someone else, even years later. You'll have to weigh up the risk of that. Also, just because you (and some other posters) wouldn't want to know, doesn't mean your husband's the same. We are all different. Too easy to say 'I wouldn't want to know so no-one else would either'.

There are two moral responsibilities here aren't there? The responsibility to be truthful and honest. And the responsibility not to hurt the ones you love.

Which is most important to you op?

Different people will come down on different sides. For me, personally, I think telling causes a huge amount of pain. It can also have very selfish, guilt relieving motivations. I can't tell you what your motivations are - you know that better than anybody. Of course you also have to try to be aware of self deception coming into play. Not always easy.

How do you truly feel about your spouse? After all, you had an affair. I'm not judging you at all. I don't think you're a terrible person. I think you're a person that had an affair - it's not ideal behaviour, but we're all human, infallible, and imperfect. What do you want to do now?

If you want your marriage to work then I would suggest giving it your all, starting from now. Do whatever you have to do. Have counselling to sort your head out. But give to your partner. Treat him well, treat him kindly. If you want him then show him that you want him (I don't mean that in a sexual sense, just in a general one).

At the end of the day, love is a verb. A doing word. It will be your actions that count.

fallible, surely...

Um yes maybe Cogito. I'm sorry my English is not as perfect as yours. I come from Bracknell, what can I say?

There are two moral responsibilities here aren't there? The responsibility to be truthful and honest. And the responsibility not to hurt the ones you love.

The second one's already happened though hasn't it? In that having the affair was a hurtful act to someone the OP loves. I can't believe that the OP hasn't been distancing herself from her husband and treating him unkindly from time to time. It's just that he wouldn't have known why, that's all. I know what you meant Fuckit but I do think there's this odd belief that people only feel hurt when they know what's behind it, which isn't true in my observation.

Thanks for all your replies. I have read and considered each one.

There is an overwhelming guilt, yes. I know this is my problem. It is really making me feel quite ill, and this is why I ended the affair in the first place. The lies upon lies were just overwhelming me with guilt and shame. My DH does not deserve it. The OM's wofe does not deserve it. However, telling DH would not appease my guilt at all. It would be a temporary relief not to be holding in that awful lie, of course, but if anything I think the guilt would be even worse once I was confronted with what this would actually do to DH. So telling him would not bre about making myself feel better.

I suppose I just feel it is SUCH a big lie to carry forward.

In answer to the poster who asked why I think the affair happened - there are myriad, complex reasons. I am still trying to unravel them all myself:

• The OM is an ex - someone I loved very deeply and had a significant relationship with several years ago. It felt like unfinished business, as tawdry and immature as that sounds written down in black and white.
• Sexually, I am not fulfilled in my relationship with DH. The attraction is not there for me - dont know if it ever was. We have always been great friends, rather than lovers, which I have always believed was a great basis for a marriage. The affair - and the strength of feeling it involved - took me by utter surprise and has got me questioning everything I thought about relationships and love and what I want/need and what it should all be about. It was not just 'hot sex' - it was suddenly remembering what it felt like to touch and hold and talk with a man I felt such strong, passionate emotions for.
• I am very unhappy generally. I have a depressive illness and this has been compounded by several very difficult events this year. This is not an excuse, I realise.

I am not going to do anything rash, regardless. I feel I need to put my husband and children first over the holidays and try to be 'present' and giving and think about their needs rather than this awful, immature obssession with my own emotions (the poster who said I have very likely hurt DH by being distant, even if he does not know the reason, was absolutely right).

Inside, though, I feel absolutely gut wrenchingly sick with sadness and shame. I cannt believe this is my life and who I am.

I think you and your dh need to have a chat. Your affair was IMO purely a reaction to your environment and emotional state at the time.

It is a symptom not a problem. I'm pleased you see no point in telling him and I agree with it.

The guilt will ease with time and its now about you putting everything possible into making your relationship work. This means talking to your dh about the affects the year has had on you, how low your feeling and how you have recognised you fear for your future together.

You need to do alot of work on yourself to feel better, you cannot continue the way your going. You need to invest time effort and emotional honesty into your relationship, by this mean telling dh your bored and you need to regain the spark. As its both of you in this relationship you both need to work on it!!! Dates, mutual interests, holidays etc etc invest in him.

Blaming yourself is not going to get you anywhere! Your human you made a mistake which you now are doing your best to fix. This takes alot of courage. Focus on your future, your relationship and don't look backwards. What's done is done just make sure it never happens again!

I wish you luck, it's going to be tough but its very doable!

Don't settle for just friendship in a marriage. Marriages need passion as well. But also don't make the mistake of comparing the affair to a real relationship, because that's always a faulty comparison.

Go get some counselling to find out properly why you did this. At the same time, find out whether you can settle for what you've got or whether your husband would like a more passionate, fulfilling marriage. He's probably not ecstatic about your relationship either and is just as at risk of an affair if someone was willing and available.

Thanks for being so kind. Not sure I deserve it. I am starting counselling in the NY so hopefully I can get some answers from within myself as to why I ave allowed this to happen.

Brilliant post Dildo.

Fanny, your courage is shining through. Take your sick shame to counselling NOT to your husband. This is the one place where I think, as Dildo outlines so neatly, where the need to be honest is less than the need to not hurt. Please believe me that when I found out of my betrayal it blew up my soul and my whole outlook on life. Don't do it.

Your shame is your clue to the rest of your life (feelings are for a reason - go with them. It is your burden to carry but it IS your path to healing.

I know I would want to know if the situation was reversed. I would want to be able to make my decisions based on having all the information on the the other person. not knowing and possibly finding out another way would be worse. I agree with what the others are saying in regards to not telling to a point but coming from the other side if i found out else where and my partner had not told me that would be worse. only you can make the call but I would want to know... would you?

It's a difficult one.

I know that if my own husband had got away with his secret affair, he would never have faced up to why he'd done it and our relationship wouldn't have been anything like as good as it became, or even as good as it had been before it all happened. He says that he wouldn't have become the better man he now is. He thinks he would have become an even worse man if he'd got away with it and therefore we'd all have been living with that crap man.

Unchanged, I don't think he would have gone looking for another affair but the barrier to having one wouldn't have been there anymore.

So I'd have hated not to know and have trouble understanding anyone in these circumstances who thinks otherwise. An affair always has an effect and not knowing about it doesn't alter that.

You might be different though OP. I think there are some people who sort themselves out of their own accord and yes, there are some people in your husband's position who would rather not know. You're getting some counselling which is a sign of responsibility.

Be careful that your guilt doesn't make you stay in a relationship that needs to end though. Your aim should be to learn, not self-punish.