Just found out my ex-H is critically ill

[TheBightyMoosh]

I've just found out my exH is critically ill and I'm feeling a little strange about it and I'm not sure how I should be feeling.

We split up 8 years ago and I have since met my lovely DP and I now have 2 lovely DCs. I was with my ex for 15 yrs and married for 5 of those years. We had a difficult relationship - he had a serious mental breakdown for the last 2 years of our relationship, but even before that there were issues. He had a very dominant personality and a destroyed my confidence. I pretended to be happy much of the time just to keep the peace and to keep up the facade of a happy relationship.

So I have just found out he's critically ill - and I feel numb and a bit weird. I can't really talk about it with my DP but I really need some help with how I feel about it all. Has anyone got any words of wisdom for me?

I don't know what to say either. Part of me wants to say 'Sorry to hear that' and another part of me wants to say - well, something far less charitable about people getting what they deserve

I think it's only natural to be sad and a bit upset to hear this about someone you have spent a large chunk of your life with. No matter how bad the relationship was (or ended up being) there were always good times and at some stage, at least, you loved them. However, when things were also difficult & they weren't always a nice person - you can't simply feel sad & upset, you also feel a lot of other things and thus you end up confused and unsure of yourself/your feelings.

Why can't you talk to your DP?

THe fact that you are bothered by this news shows what a good person you are.

He was a major part of your life and without your relationship with him, good or bad, you wouldnt be the person you are now. Its bound to make you feel funny. Not upset exactly, but sad in the way we do when we hear about anyone who is very ill because we are all aware of the fact that there but the grace of "god" go we. Does he have a DP and/or children? That always makes it worse I think, because we can empathise with him and them.

There is a woman who was my best friend for years and I cut her off after having to cover up for her infidelities once too often, but I felt the same when I found out she had MS. I didnt feel sorry for her as my ex best friend, because our relationship was over many years ago, but I did feel for her as a human being, as a mother and as a partner. The fact that we had a shared history just made it hit home more as I knew who it would affect her children.

Not sure if that makes sense, I know what I mean.

Thank you for your kind words. I can't really talk to my DP because I'm finding it hard to rationalise how I'm feeling about it and I don't want him to think I am confused or hankering after the ex or something! We have talked about it a little but he's not exactly my ex's number 1 fan so he hasn't got much sympathy for him. (He's a lovely person really!)

I think you're right - it's just a natural human emotion to feel something a a time like this - I'll try not to over- analyse and dwell.

Thanks all

Oh and I meant to say, there is no 'should'. Just feel what you feel, don't struggle to understand or justify your feelings. You are 'allowed' to feel how you feel! Have a or a and don't let it take centre stage in your life :)

I can sympathise, I found out that a childhood friend has an inoperable brain tumour yesterday. I haven't seen him in 22 years but I feel weird as well. Given that you were with your ex for 15 years it's only natural that you'll be a bit upset.

I'm assuming he's not an old man. That's maybe another reason for your sadness- that no-one so young should have to go through this? It's someone you know who you were close to. You're human, and a bit of a sensitive soul, that's all.

Don't try to hide your grief from your dh. Talk to him about it.

I think you're normal. My Mum felt very sad for her violent ex-h (my dad) when he struggled with his wife's miscarriages even though she was herself happily remarried. And I vividly remember him crying when my mum had a breast lump (which turned out to be benign). I guess once you've truly loved someone, it touches you and part of it never leaves you whatever's happened. It doesn't mean you still love them, just that you once did and that must change how you feel about them when they are seriously ill.

There's not always rhyme or reason to explain our reactions to unexpected news. We are sometimes caught off guard. It doesn't mean we have been brooding or consciously dwelling on that person or event. It is unsettling, and perhaps harder to deal with if for whatever reason, we can't share, or offload this issue onto the very person who is closest to us.

Venting to strangers confidentially is a help, as well as MN there are also the Samaritans? They're not just there to help suicidal people. They are trained to listen, to help you speak up and discuss what's bothering you.

Thank you all so much. I think FlamingoBingo has got it in one - I definitely don't love him any more, but I did once, and I can remember being so happy on our wedding day. There's a part of me that's still mourning the loss of that relationship because it was such a big part of my life.

There's also a part of me that feels very sorry for him - I don't know anything about his life now, but I know he alienated a lot of his friends and family, so I wouldn't be surprised if he's all alone.

SO thank you all once again - I was really struggling with my feelings last night, and now I feel a bit more normal about things

Talk to your DP. When you've been close with someone, however it ended, you don't necessarily wish them ill. I'm sure if your DP is a reasonable man he will understand

Yes, Flamingo worded it very well - and it's exactly what I'm going through at the moment too, and supporting poor DD.

don't keep your feelings locked in x