How do you learn to trust a man again?

[Rewy]

My trust was completely destroyed last year when i found out my life long partner and father of my 2 dc was having an affair .However his deceit wasnt confined to adultury ,he was lying about salary ,savings,friends etc .
The man i knew does not exsist.
I have a new partner whom i love so much but i cannot trust him and sometimes the pain/worry makes me feel pysically sick. I am scared i will push him away

You were very badly hurt, and not that long ago. It takes time to build up that trust again. Dont distrust your new partner, make sure you talk to him and explain that after what happened you still find it hard though. If he is a decent man, he will understand and will be patient.

Thanks for replying squeaky
Its just i feel like that fear of being rejected/deceived will never go and every woman is a potential threat to me .

Agree with squeakytoy.
Can I ask, did you have any inkling at all that your ex partner was lying to you and having an affair?

I dont ever think i will trust another man again after what DP has put me through...barring my son i will always trust him. I vowed never to trust a man ever again it hurts too much in the end

I have major trust issues usually in relationships secondary to parents/previous experience. I met someone a few years ago and I had all those terrors that I would push him away because I would not trust him. But he understood and dealt with that and somehow it was so utterly transparent that he was lovely and wonderful and would never hurt me that the feelings faded pretty quickly and he gave me faith again. We are no longer together but I am really grateful to him that he restored the ability to trust in me again and even now I know he never lied to me (and that is coming from someone with mega paranoia) I have since met someone else who has several hundred red flags but now I recognise them and I still know that he does not represent all men (a relationship on its way out don't worry!)

It will come. If you have moments of doubt think through your fears and remind yourself of the evidence which shows he CAN be trusted. Give it some time to go. I can't promise it will be in this relationship but one day someone will make you feel safe again. Trust your own feelings too and if you feel there are red flags or that it is making you feel upset then it is ok to say it is too much too soon. Good luck

IMHO if you are not prepared to trust another man then you should make the decision to remain single. As much as you may feel exposed it is not fair to a new partner to shut up shop.

An ex cheated on me a long time ago now. She had kids from previous but I took them on gladly. She was flat broke and I supported her. Times were tough and my downfall was letting her go out with her mates whilst I looked after her kids (we often didn't have the money for us both to go out and pay for babysitters so it was either me or her - I chose her).

Little did I know that she was out looking for another man with deeper pockets.

I was devastated. However, I did meet someone and my view was that it would be unfair on her if I didn't give her 100%. It wasn't her fault that my ex dumped on me big time so why should she take the hit?

We've now been together over 15 years and I'm the happiest man alive, still. I would say it was worth it, despite how hard it may seem.

Fortune favours the brave as they say.

Best of luck

OP could I ask how long you were single for? It could be that you didn't fully go through the grieving and assimilating process at the end of your relationship. These things can take a heck of a lot of time. I think what I'm trying to say is that if you have good self-confidence and self-esteem, which can be shattered by a betrayal like you experienced, then it's easier to believe that you are worth being loved and not betrayed, and once you genuinely believe that then its easier to make that leap and trust again.

Have you been able to talk about what you feel and why with your partner? He's probably aware that something's not right, and it may well put his mind at rest if you can talk to him about what you're feeling. If he's a decent man he will understand and give you reassurance, but you have to try and work on this yourself as its not sustainable long term. Talking to a counsellor or keeping talking on here could really help.

Maybe you should do some counselling to deal with what has happened.

It does seem quite soon to me for you to be in another serious relationship after such a shattering experience, so it's no wonder you are finding it difficult. Perhaps you should slow things down while you address the aftermath of your ex's behaviour.

TisILeclerc

Fair enough but IMHO the principle is the same and as others have said, is not a sustainable scenario.

I have the greatest sympathy for the OP but I don't see the difference between 'not wanting to' and 'not being able to'. IMHO the 'can' needs to be greater than the 'cannot'.

It's a psychological reaction. One cannot have a physical trauma without it first registering in the mind. This is why the OP should seek the advice of a counseller and not a physio (I'm not being facetious). A counseller or discussion with a caring partner will be able to repair this in time.

I can't remember the source but, "a mind that understands the problem also has the solution". The OP is already half way to sorting herself out but sounds like she needs support, possibly from a counseller but most definitely from her new partner.

Whatever is driving the problems trusting someone, you don't improve matters by totally opting out. I agree with what was said initially. Acknowledge that you've had your trust shattered, accept that you are sensitised to a repeat experience and therefore nervous with very good reason. Then talk to your new partner about the problem and work together to set your own boundaries that you go on to expand gradually as you get to know each other. The main difficulty is that anyone can be untrustworthy. So you can't just switch off the response and dismiss it as irrational. You still have to exercise judgment.

What you're talking about TisILeclerc is a phobia. That's a slightly different thing because, whilst it's an individual response to a trigger situation driving the fear, you don't have someone else's input to take into account. With professional help you can reduce the reflex anxiety gradually through controlled exposure to the trigger.

TisILeclerc

I apologise (to both you and the OP) if that's the way I came across . As ever it's always difficult to get the full picture across using a keyboard but I was genuinely trying to be helpful.

The thing is, we can only attempt to offer help given our past experiences and so I tried to within my (albeit narrow) experience base.

I'm sorry to hear about your past. I suffered from chronic depression in my early 20's and pretty much withdrew from society, lost friends etc. I know nothing of the physical effects you describe but a lot about my own psyche. Hence the 'can' needing to be greater than the 'cannot'.

I'm glad to say I'm 100% now but it took (what seemed like) superhuman effort to turn the 'cannot' into 'can'. Perhaps this is what made it easier for me to trust another person (and to make sound overly simplistic in my first post) but in essence I believe anything is possible, if you trust your own mind enough to improve your lot.

Everyone has the capacity to turn a situation round and to take the positives out of the experience. The OP has and whilst it's not an easy road, she'll be a better person for the struggle. It's kind of like using a SAT NAV. We all know where we want to be but know that the bloody SAT NAV isn't going to take us via the most direct route. We might end up in a ditch, in the wrong town or a seemingly dead end but we all get there in the end. It just takes perseverence

Apologies for rambling