Pls help me get my head in the right place with my in-laws (long)

[DisappointedDIL]

Have namechanged for this.
This year is our Christmas with DH?s parents, as part of an established pattern of alternating between families for Christmas from one year to the next.

The precursor to this is that there was to be a gathering of DH?s family 3 weeks before Christmas, because they aren?t all able to be ?home? (ie at MIL?s) for Christmas. Due to a family rift some years ago (between MIL and BIL and his wife), this was to be a gathering of the whole family for the first time in 5 years. It was to be hosted at our home. Almost everyone had to travel regardless of where the gathering was, as the whole family live in different cities. It was not our decision to host ? we offered to do so but also made it clear we were more than happy to travel to MIL?s place for the event. MIL is a big matriarch type and likes everyone to do what she wants ? she tends to use manipulative means at times to achieve what she wants, all under the guise of pretending that she is very relaxed and doesn?t care. Because of this dynamic in DH?s family, I very much stayed out of the decision making and let DH handle it. But once the decision was made, we were actually looking forward to hosting, everyone kept asking us if we were sure we were happy to host and we said yes every time but also reiterated that we were happy to travel if people wanted to have it elsewhere. The plan remained for it to be at our home. Of course being house proud, we went to a lot of trouble to have our home and gardens in tip top condition for a family party, devoted most of our weekend to cleaning / gardening etc to have everything looking immaculate, we spent money on food and festive decorations and so on.

On the morning of the occasion, BIL called to say they could no longer attend (for legitimate reasons). And so the text message came from MIL basically summoning us to be the ones to travel as the lunch would now be held at MIL?s so that no one else had to do their one hour car trip to get to our home. I will spare the detail, but suffice to say that what was posed as a polite ?do you think it would be easier for you guys to come here?? from MIL was already a fait accompli as it became very apparent that the decision had already been made that they were all staying put, and we were expected to pile our DCs into the car and go to them.

It was a very bitter pill to swallow, having our hospitality and all our efforts to be ready to host a family gathering so rudely thrown in our face, however, for the sake of not causing a toys out of the pram scenario, we went. We are the only ones with DCs and everyone loves to see them, so it would have sent the wrong message we felt, to our DC, if we didn?t go along and let them see their aunts / uncles / grandparents when they were expecting to see them that day. It was an occasion of rather forced politeness as I like to think everyone knew it was not a fair outcome for us. Nobody acknowledged or mentioned any apology or word of gratitude to us for going along with the complete back flip on the family plans. No doubt they noticed we were a bit on edge, as DH and I are usually quite the jovial pair at family occasions, however we were polite and involved, admittedly less jovial than usual, but we did the best we could to enjoy the occasion. Playing with my DCs proved a useful distraction to hide my hurt and disappointment.

I have been having a hard time moving on from DH?s family treating us this way, I just think it is so disrespectful. It has brought back to the surface a lot of insecurities I use to have about my standing with MIL, feelings that I had moved on from and thought were ancient history. DH and I agree that due to the way MIL handles conflict (ie terribly, unfairly, using emotional blackmail and causing huge ugly scenes) that there is nothing to be gained from airing our disappointment with them. I am trying to heed the advice I have often read on MN about dealing with toxic family members - to take a step back, set some boundaries of the way we interact with them, try not to let myself be so hurt by them again.

I guess my issue is that ultimately I just need some time and space between family gatherings to pass before I feel I can interact with them again on a genuine level, without the raw feelings simmering away beneath the surface and affecting the tone of the next family gathering. And yet, I can?t have that time / space just yet because we are going to be having Christmas together. It feels all too soon after being so hurt by their actions, and yet it would cause unpleasant ramifications if we suggested that we weren?t doing Christmas with them. And for the sake of FIL and the DC?s (who are excited about Christmas with Granny), I don?t want to take our disappointment out on the wrong people, IYSWIM.

I am not sure what I am asking really, other than for some collective MN wisdom to help keep things in perspective for me to get through Christmas itself and not ruin my own Christmas by festering away over an issue that will, with the passage of time, likely not feel so raw and important.

WWYD? I know this is not AIBU, but AIBU in feeling so hurt and disappointed or is this just what families do to each other sometimes and we should just accept life's little disappointments and move on? DH is so accustomed to his family's antics that he is better than me at burying his disappointment and moving on.

Sorry this is long, if you are still reading then thank you for doing so.

Oh, I should just add that I had actually finally stopped stewing over it so much and was choosing to rise above and all that, and then today MIL has now come out with a classic opening move of her emotional manipulative game playing ? again via SMS to DH ? asking if we would ?rather? travel away to do Christmas with my own parents since all of her other DC are doing Christmas elsewhere. I am not sure if she is angling to have all her family together next Christmas by ?letting us off the hook? this year, or if she of course has picked up on our standoffishness over the recent issue, and is trying to back-pedal by pretending to be all selfless about where we spend our Christmas. But believe me, she is not for a second expecting that we would say ?yes OK we might do just that? - she is just trying to convince herself that she is being all selfless and letting everyone do their own thing. If we actually decided not to join her and FIL for Christmas, she would likely fall into a depressive period and feel very sorry for herself that all her family has ?abandoned? her for Christmas. There is a pattern of this sort of emotional upheaval from her. So I am just feeling weary of all the emotional game playing and we have not even had Christmas yet!!
Thanks for reading.

Poor you :( I'm sorry, I don't have much to offer except sympathy. I came here to lurk for insight into my own sorry (and very different) situation and couldn't leave you unanswered. If it helps at all, some of the collective MN wisdom you have mentioned in your OP has been helpful to this MNer. So you have done a good deed in posting :)

The only beacon of light I can offer is that others in your family are well aware of your MIL's toxic ways and are sympathetic - at least in general and in the sense of collective suffering, if not specifically towards you and in this situation. So regardless of what happens, you and your DH are not going to have to bear the label of evil DS and DIL.

It does sound as though some of the hurt comes from other family members not seeming to understand or sympathise with what you had gone through with the change of plans. No point going there with MIL, as you say, but had you hoped for more understanding from other family? Do you think they are so used to the status quo that they feel the specifics of each fresh incident don't need an airing? Perhaps they don't realise just what you were put through on this occasion? Or they are well-meaning but happen to be wrapped up with their own concerns at present? Is there any way to address this (without it backfiring)?

Good luck. You sound like a lovely person :)

Sorry, just re-read - scratch what I said about family (apart from FIL). Everything else stands, including the lovely person bit

I think on the day of the pre-Christmas event you should have said "no come here, we are all prepared for you".

My goodness - what did you do with all that food? And how was she so prepared for a big gathering at a moment's notice?

The best way to avoid emotional mind games is not to engage. Sometimes easier said than done I realise.
Would you rather go to your parent's hours for Christmas? If so, do so.
Then ignore, ignore, ignore.

You have my sympathy. There is nothing worse than dealing with the Christmas martyr. I detest the way some parents make their children feel responsible for their happiness.

But the fact is she is not likely to change and you are the one who is upset by her behaviour. SO the only choice is to change in the way you respond to her.

I think you and your DH should start having discussions now about future Christmases. Do you really want to have all your Christmases 'booked' up in a certain way for the foreseeable future?

Regarding the changes of plan, I think it was crass and rude of your MiL, do what you and your DH want to do. The more you pander to your MiL's wishes, the more demanding she will become.

I do agree with MoaneyMc and her comment 'I detest the way some parents make their children feel responsible for their happiness'.

Thanks to all for reading my indulgently long post! and for responding. I came looking for words of wisdom and I have had them.

DarkNoon yes I think you are probably right that it might have helped some if anyone else in the family had at least privately acknowledged the unfairness of the situation. FIL is the only one who did so, and he thanked us for attending. I am grateful for that, and that at least no matter what version events MIL might twist in her own mind, FIL will not be fooled into believing that we are the bad guys here. I am sorry to hear you have a sad situation of family trouble yourself. Unmumsnetty hug.

Moaney, you are spot on!! It is observations like this from wise MNers that I just knew would help me understand how it is that some people think it is ok to treat their family this way! MIL has shortcomings in other areas of her life that she chooses not to do anything about, and so tries to put all the responsibility on her DC to make her happy. That is her, to a tee. (As for the changed lunch plans, we did seriously consider saying "nope, we are staying here, come if you want to" but we decided for the sake of (some) other people not to do what may have been justified - it still would have caused more drama than we could be bothered dealing with. So we packed up the food that we were contributing - it was a combined effort - and off we went.)

Chottie, DH and I do expect that there will be a change to the christmas pattern one of these days when the time is right - my own parents are already relaxed about that eventuality. Part of me would like to travel to them this year, but it would be a knee jerk reaction (albeit justified) and not fair on DH who does of course want to see his family for Christmas, even if he does have to look past some unfair treatment from MIL, so I wouldn't put him in that position over something that ultimately is forgiveable. If only people were seeking to make amends, it would be an easier thing to get over!

The thing keeping me sane is that DH is so unbelievably strong at resisting the emotional manipulation. I have at times been staggered at his stoic tolerance with his family (primarily his DM) but I realise now he set his boundaries a long time ago, he behaves in a way that lets him look himself in the mirror at the end of the day, but he doesn't let himself be manipulated, unless, I suppose, it happens to also suit our own agenda or wishes. I, on the other hand, take it all much more personally, but I have had to learn the hard way that MIL does not play by social norms in terms of having a mature relationship with people, or resolving conflict. She won't change, so yes, all I really can do is change the way in which I respond to it, and change my habit of giving so much regard to family duty and obligation owed to someone who doesn't always behave in a fair way in return.

It is a little sad to admit this, but what helps me be the "bigger" person is to remember that grandparents won't be around forever, and these issues will matter very little in 20 years from now. I don't want to look back and regret causing rifts and getting all in a huff over things that matter a lot and hurt a lot right now, but ultimately don't matter in the long run. But geez, sometimes I wonder just how much emotional manipulation one person should be allowed to get away with.

Gosh another long post, sorry. It is therapeutic to just talk about it out though! Thanks again for your advice and thoughts.

Tricky one. It made me laugh I have to say when you said that after BIL cancelled, the others couldn't drive over as it was an hour away. Are they exceptionally frugal, or do you live somewhere so perilous to acess?

Sorry, back to the issue in hand. Everyone is well trained to respond to MIL. As they say on MN, don't forget FIL who may not be the driving force but who lets her do this so is equally culpable - the DCs must have learned to ask 'How high?' when she says 'Jump!' through him. Interesting how he was conspicuously the only one acknowledging the balls up of the cancelled shindig at your house! Mr Nice Guy!

Can't help wonder what BIL did to have that rift with MIL. Do you know? Do you get on? Did he stand up to her?

You're onto her. As you observe in your most recent post, your DH knows the dance steps. If you follow the usual routine, keep telling yourself it's for the GDCs, you are maintaining the hold she has. If you don't mind, fair enough. If I were you I'd throw a wobbly now and then, keep her on her toes with the famous MN riposte, 'No, that doesn't work for us'.

This time I might say tongue in cheek, 'Oh I wouldn't want to cancel when you'll be going to so much trouble' and turn up. Next autumn I'd lay the ground early and make plans for Christmas with your parents.

It made me laugh too, Donkeys - this is a family that thinks nothing of spending much of their time driving around from one place to another. I just think MIL never really wanted it to be held at our home and as soon as she saw the chance to stage a coup, she jumped at it. It was all so predictable, as soon as DH got off the phone from BIL I said "oh well, next will be the call asking us to travel to the rest of the family". On to them? Yes I think so! I like your strategy and I have already filed away a "No that doesn't work for us" to pull out at some stage.

BIL's rift was all over his parents interference and disapproval of his (now) DW. He stood his ground. He estranged himself from his parents and indirectly with pretty much everyone in the family by not attending any family occasions. I don't agree with some of how it went down, both "sides" behaved in a pretty poor manner and said some hateful things (DH and I stayed out of it!), but I did broadly understand why he did what he did. And what do you know, 5 years later he and his DW have decided they will grace us with their presence and everyone just welcomes him back into the fold, no questions asked. Grateful for his crumbs. That was part of what was so hard to swallow - they were all set to travel their one hour drive for the BIL who has not been involved in any family occasions for 5 years, but as soon as he cancels, they decide their other DS (my DH) is not worth the same effort!

Oh good grief, BIL and his wife trod where angels fear to tread didn't they!
I am sure the others are whipped into line and knowing your DH and you to be decent types too scared of MIL to say no thought they'd plod back to your PILs' instead. I suspect your MIL would have had her pound of flesh had your BIL eaten humble pie and made amends, you said he cancelled for a genuine reason, fair enough but I bet he and MIL are wary of each other.

Anyway enough of him - family dynamics are a hoot aren't they. Well done predicting the about-face and good luck to you and DH keeping sane and staying on good terms without letting the antics get to you - a sense of humour goes a long way .

Oh howler, just re-read, clunking grammar I meant inlaws were too scared of MIL to say no not you, obviously! Sorry too early for me!