Moving on after having an affair

[jenny99]

Thank you to so many of you who posted on my earlier threads.

To summarise....I was having an emotional affair with an old flame and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to separate but my husband wouldn't, he wanted to fight for our marriage. He is a wonderful man. And I am ashamed to say I am not attracted to him anymore and am bored with him.

So, since I posted....I met the old flame. Had a wonderful time with him. Spoke again about separation with my husband. He still refuses to understand. So I told him what I had done.

In the wake of this the OM feels too guilty to continue. He says he loves me but cannot make me happy and he does not want me to pack in my perfect life for him. It is over.

My husband and I are having counselling. I know I should make it work with him. We have been happy before and have 2 DCs.

BUT ....

Even though contact with the OM has stopped and I will not be seeing him again I can't get him out my head. Everything reminds me of him. Any song on the radio, stupid things like underwear I bought....times of the day that we always spoke etc. it goes on.

My husband has taken everything I have thrown at him. He takes it. And says we will get through it. I see this as weak, and therefore unattractive, I see that he doesn't want to lose me... - my best friend says it is him being strong and wanting to take control. He says the ball is in my court. But it shouldn't be. He has a choice too.

I cannot get over the fact that altho I have loved my husband very much, I never ever loved him the same way as the old flame. He really was the love of my life. And now I have had another taste I don't know I can ever settle for my husband even if it was like when we were newlyweds.

The sex doesn't compare.

This may sound like it is pretty much over with my husband. And it may well be. I don't even feel guilty which is a bad sign to me. But I am not a bad person at heart and I feel distraught at the havoc. If this sounds like I am being cold and unemotional it's because I just don't know where to start. I am crying way too much about this, and with the kids breaking up this week I really need to pull myself together. I want to make things work with my husband, I really do. I know that is the best thing to do for all of us but I am just not feeling it.

Please don't slaughter me. I need help. Please help me to be a good wife to my wonderful husband and advise me how I can fall back in love with him.

(I have the Shirley glass book and a whole ton of others from amazon about reigniting the passion).

(We haven't had sex for 6 months and I can't even begin to consider that right now unfortunately)

I seem to only see the negative in what he does. I want to see the positive. I've tried the law of attraction stuff but it isn't helping.

I told him that when he's home this evening I want to look at old photos on the computer and choose a couple of them every night to start a new folder of good times we've had.

I just need to feel it more in my heart and I want to get that gut wrenching feeling when he talks about what if we do split up and I don't get it. I want to get that gut wrenching sick feeling that says 'what on earth have I done?' And I don't get it.

Any advice please is so so welcome. I really want to fix things and he does too but I just don't know where to start. And when the feelings start to feel real rather than forced effort.

Thank you so much x

Thanks for your really, really honest post. It really does illustrate very well why the advice (Dr James Dobson, Charbon, the midlife forum) is THROW THEM OUT and do not contact them.

I think that you write very well how much love is linked to respect, how much dependency and clinging makes a person want to pull away more (your OM with you and you with your H).

Your H is doing everything wrong. He should kick your addicted ass right out (and face up to his dependency on you). Only with the shock of loss would you face some truths: OM used you, your H is the only person who will ever really love you.

Why do you think your DH is weak for being willing to take you back? Believe me that isn't weak, that is incredibly strong. By far the easiest option is to walk (run) away from a cheating partner. Staying around to experience the pain and humiliation of knowing someone would trade you in in a heart beat is not for the faint hearted. And I don't for a minute believe he has secrets of his own. If he did this would be the ideal situation for him to walk out to pursue those secrets, and lay the blame firmly at your door. No, I think he is willing to try again because he loves you and the children, and is strong enough to forgive and try to move on.

However, I think you are being duplicitous. OM doesn't love you. He liked the frisson of an affair, but as soon as it looked like you were going to up and leave to be with him he ran like hell. Sorry, but that is the reality. He used you, he is single and nothing to lose. Given everything you have said about your DH I think you owe it to him to either stop dangling the 'let's separate threat' over his head and actually commit, or leave. By leave I mean you move out, and you take the children with you. You are the SAHM in this scenario, so you have the ability to care for them properly. You don't get to blow up your DH's life then walk out free from all responsibilities and expect him to work, pay for full time childcare, and shoulder everything whilst you drift about finding yourself.

Start being honest with yourself, your DH, your children. You are perfectly entitled to fall out of love with someone and move on - it happens, people survive. If you have take responsibility and stop stringing the situation out. A word of warning though, your DH will tire of this soon, and will make his own move. The period of sadness, regret, total forgiveness is finite, and there is nothing like a partner refusing to commit either way to end one's patience.

Agreeing to stay with my DH after his affair has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do - at times I have felt that it would have been better to start again on our own. So do not think your DH is being weak.

You need to go to individual counselling on your own to work out your own issues, why you are unhappy with yourself and why you chose to have an affair as a way of coping with your issues. Re-read the Glass book which clearly states that affairs are all about the betrayer's issues and why individual therapy is key.

Until you do this, your marriage does not have much chance of surviving.

Thank you worsestershiresauce...I really need to focus on how this is him being strong not weak and I like how you put it.

I'm not wanting to move out and give up all responsibilities. On the contrary, given that I am a sahm and do everything for the children (in terms of childcare etc please don't anyone slate me now about what I am doing to them emotionally....!) and given the long hours OH works it makes sense and least disruption to the children for him to move out. He usually only sees them during the week for half hour max (unless there is a football match on tv!)... Yet how is that fair? I am unhappy, I want to split, but circumstances mean best for him to move. We are in a very nice 4 bed house....wouldn't make sense for me to move and take kids.

Best sense is to fall back in love.

I know OM has run the other way like crazy. I know it is over.

Do I not love my husband because I am still in love with OM or just because I don't love him anymore. That is my real dilemma. I want to wake up and find I have forgotten about OM and that I love OH. I need one of those potions from A midsummer night's Dream!!

I want to know if I can stop my feelings for OM will my feelings for OH come back and how long till I stop my feelings for OM. Hve had no contact for 2 weeks and feel as awful as I did on day 1. Despite having had counselling since then too. Both separately and together with OH.

I'm sorry ....I am probably harping on a bit and I know I hve done this myself and made conscious decisions along the way. But I just don't know how to control my emotions.

I speak as someone who had a bf who couldn't decide if he wanted me or OW.

He lived under the same roof as me but this reduced me to a wreck. I went from strong and independent to an anxious mess. When he wasn't with me I'd freak out about where he was and when he was with me I'd freak about the fact that he might be thinking about OW. Every time he left the house I felt like he was never going to come back. The nightmare situation made me physically ill, unable to sleep, cry throughout the day...

What I'm trying to say is if OM came back you'd go off into the sunset with him so you probably don't really want your h. He's a runner up prize and I think it's cruel to keep him strung along.

As others said, the best thing to do is to invest time and effort into your friendship with your husband. If you like him again (ie. he doesn't annoy you all the time) you might be able to find affection and love again.

I think you need to face your feelings for OM head on rather than try to distract yourself by being with your husband. Think about why you broke up originally and his faults. It's easy to think of a other person as amazing because they don't do the little annoying things that your spouse does. Think about what you can do to improve things and what you want from your husband. I find it helpful to email myself these thoughts and read them from time to time.

Crazygracieuk - thank you or your reply. That is exactly how I feel ...can't sleep etc. My husband isn't annoying me. We are still getting on really well, able to go out as a family, spending time with friends etc. he was annoying me last year, every little thing. Now I don't know if I hve just so moved on from that that he doesn't even annoy me, or if it is a good sign?

Yes, I would ride off into the sunset with OM but that isn't happening. I want to appreciate and love my husband even tho now it feels like settling....I want to promote him to first choice and relegate OM I just don't know how. Or IF I can. If I feel that way now can I change it?

From OP it seems clear you do not respect your DH, nor do you appear to be showing any compassion for how much he must have been hurt, nor do you show any interest in healing him of that hurt. That is no grounds for a future together.

I think you need to take a long, cold, hard look at this. The OM has ended that particular relationship, but you don't want your DH. Does the answer lie in freeing yourself totally of both, rediscovering yourself, and going forwards into a future you have genuinely chosen? This also gives your DH the opportunity, painful in the short term, to find someone who really appreciates him?

Edith, yes. I think that I may need neither of them.

Honestly, I'm scared. I'm scared that I will somehow (tho right now I can't see how), somehow get OM out my head but which time I will be separated/divorced and I will realise what I have lost and that I have made a huge mistake.

I think that in my heart of hearts my husband and I will split and that I will regret it. I am trying somehow to stop the rollercoaster I'm on.

I've sent you a PM, OP.

Of course it's scary. Affairs trigger a crisis, and strong emotional responses in both the wandering and the betrayed spouse.

And it's normal to grieve the break up of even an adulterous relationship. But I find it telling that you seem to to feel no interest in reaching out to help your DH with his pain.

I agree. I find it telling that I feel more guilt towards deceiving my friend whose husband has just left her for OW than I do towards my husband.

I am not wracked with guilt. Surely that isn't normal? (And I mean that in the sense that I am 'usually' a kind hearted, generous, average sahm with 2 kids and no dog ;)

Perhaps your mind is more focused on the potential loss of your lovely 4 bedroomed house than the utter disrespect you have demonstrated to your husband ?

I've got the most enormous amount of respect for couples who rebuild after an affair and I know couples who've got through this storm stronger.

But it's never advisable if the one who's strayed only wants to stay because she's been dumped. Especially if she feels no guilt and is obsessing about herself and her own pain, not the pain she's caused.

When the 'strayer' feels like this, they are usually only staying because life is easier and more comfortable for them and they don't fancy being on their own and responsible for their own lives.

I expect you don't much fancy having less money and having to get a job OP if you separate - and that's why you're with your husband. I doubt you're being completely honest with him either.

I am not at all worried about losing my lovely 4 bedroom house. On the contrary, I wish I could want him and stay for the financial aspect. That would make my life easier. We have no money worries at all, an I know things would change if we split but we would still be fairly comfortable. I am not meaning to boast, but am upset that I am being viewed that way. I have no idea how people stay with wealthy husbands for the money. I have begged my husband thru good times to take a lesser paid job and spend more time with me and the kids.

I am not worried about losing anything material. I have learnt that money does not bring happiness.

I hadn't read inage's message....again, not worried because I wouldn't have to get a job.

Money can be a curse. It leaves little space for motivation for many things.

You are right that I may be staying because life is easier, but I want to make that the right choice and be happy. I am a very 'all or nothing' person and whilst right now I am in the middle, I want to be happy that the outcome will be the right thing for both my husband and I in the end x

You'd be better off learning that affairs don't bring happiness and that there's never an excuse.

If you really loved your husband, you would see that what you're proposing isn't fair on him. You'd show him more respect and wouldn't think he was a sap for forgiving you and wanting to stay together, but you'd recognise that this is just shock talking and that he's trying to cling to normality and pretend it never happened.

He's not making good choices for him right now and as he can't because he's so floored, if you loved him you'd make them for him.

No-one (man or woman) should ever have to put up with being second best.

Don't fool yourself though that even in his shock, your husband hasn't worked out that if you leave and want to stay separated, he'll lose his house and living with the kids because you haven't worked and are the SAHP. That's probably just as unattractive a proposition to him as you getting a job and not seeing the kids all the time is to you.

BTW - you might think you won't have to get a job because your husband's loaded, but once he meets someone else he might not want to fund that luxury. And maybe you should get a job because you don't sound much like a grown-up who takes responsibility for her fuck-ups. Working and being part of a team who other people rely on is good for helping childish people to grow up.

Thank you. Yes I know it may not always be the case I don't hve to work. But I am in the fortunate position (or perhaps not) that the money isn't influencing me. I want to be able to completely make up my mind without the financial side. Yes my OH is terrified at the thought of losing half of what he has worked for, and everything that goes with a divorce.

Every post is giving me something. Thank you all for all your opinions.

And you still feel no guilt that your selfish actions have put him in that precarious position ?

You are an extraordinarily cold person

My husband isn't annoying me. We are still getting on really well, able to go out as a family, spending time with friends etc. he was annoying me last year, every little thing. Now I don't know if I hve just so moved on from that that he doesn't even annoy me, or if it is a good sign?

The reason why you found him annoying was because you were detached from him, trying to justify your affair and also because you were investing all your time and energy in the OM instead of your marriage.

Now that the affair bubble has burst, you realise that his faults were probably exaggerated - no one is perfect after all.

However your coldness and lack of guilt is

Yeah I agree with that - you were probably finding things to get irritated about while you were having your affair, which according to you went on for a year. A year's a long time to demonise someone to justify your own behaviour.

I think some posters are a bit naive though about why the husband is reacting this way and thinking that if he had secrets of his own, he could just walk away and let the OP take the blame. No he couldn't. She'd still get the house and the kids and half his money. Courts aren't bothered about adultery and it makes no difference to residence and finance. We always assume that cuckolds stay for love, when that isn't always the case.

I'm not having a pop at the husband here either - just observing that he preferred work to being with his wife and that might be because he's always known he was second best. It wouldn't be unthinkable for him to have looked for affection, respect or proper love elsewhere. He would also have had the opportunity.

Of course he might be a lovely man who worked hard so the OP didn't have to who has borne his sadness about his wife's lack of love and got on with it. In which case he will be in bits now, poor man - and incapable of making good decisions for him and his kids.

I don't know: I am picking up that the H was emotionally unavailable, too focussed on providing and left her in a space of lonliness and not being 'seen' that let in the affair partner...

I know, because I am married to one of those. In fact the psych. said 'I am surprised you have not had an affair' when I listed it all. Turns out he decided I didn't care about him and he had one.

But all affairs carry a message. Apart from 'kick them out' 'leave the bastard', separation and divorce, OP as has been said before needs to look carefully at the message of the affair along with her H, they BOTH need to face the issues together and grieve what has been lost; and then the divorce or separation gone through.

But OP must not compare the thrill of OM (it was NOT love, OP) with the mundaneness of ordinary life, and therefore come to the conclusion she does not love her H.

You have some work ahead of you Jenny.

Turns out he decided I didn't care about him and he had one.

This bloke might be no different. OP has said she phoned the OM before marrying and always knew her husband was second-best. You think he didn't guess?

I wouldn't want to be at home much with a partner who felt like that about me. Who would?