Help me realise I'm worth it, pet

[Cherylkerl]

charmer of a DP and I know I need to break it up, and despite the fact that he is vile to me, I can't some how get my act together to do it. I've been reading threads on here and they are like a looking glass into the future - this is your future if you stay, and a lot of it is my current life. I cry for the shit that other posters are exposed to such horrors. It's not good enough for me. I know that. So many red flags, so much of an abusive dick. Yet I can't bring myself to go through with it.

How do I summon up the strength to get rid? I have enough reasons to. But the words remain in my head.

Bizarrely, I can't bear hurting anyone's feelings - even though he deserves whatever he gets.

I hate conflict, despise rocking the boat, apparently so much so, that I am going to end up sacrificing my own well being.

I am attached on some level. Before I really knew what he was like, it had been romanticised, thought we were some On again off again lovers, Romeo and sodding Juliet...but no. He broke up with me a couple of times because he felt there might be better options, and when there weren't, he came crawling back because he could control me. Nothing to do with love. As time goes on, he seems to be wanting more and more control over me, limiting more and more of my behaviour. While at the same time, having more and more freedom of his own. I can't bear it to be over, and the thought of someone else having him fills me with horror. Yet I'm so unhappy with him, I can't let go.

I am not allowed to make noise when I eat. He is disgusted by this and tells me so while I am trying to eat my dinner.

I am finding myself lying when I arrange to meet my friends. The list of people he doesn't get the arse on about me seeing seems to be getting smaller and smaller.

I'm having counselling, and part of this has helped me to get more assertive. He thinks that's damaging me and I'm pushing some people away (have distance sef from a close family member who is abusive)

When good things happen for me at work, I don't feel that I can tell him -we are in the same field but Im having more success than he is at present, and he loves and hates this in equal measure. When it suits him, he will exploit my position (financial abuse) - but if I have a meeting with male colleagues, I can expect to receive text messages accusing me of 'sucking cock'.

Financial abuse. Always putting me under pressure to 'lend' him money. In short, a cocklodger.

Controlling how I dress - I think anyway. I dress in a particular way and I do it for myself, I love clothes and fashion. But I think I am under pressure to maintain this because woe betide I have a dress down day. I get looked up and down, sometimes told I look rubbish.

Telling me my teeth need fixing.

There's been so much, I can't even remember. He has an answer for most of these, and somehow manages to get himself in the right, he's a master manipulator. However, hand in hand with the EA, it's not been a surprise to learn that he's being unfaithful. So, this is a good excuse - not that I need one - to get out.

Yet I can't do it. I've told him I know, and he keeps denying it. He wants to know how I know. I can't tell him because it's a male friend who I trust and who obviously hasn't made the cut for people I'm 'allowed' to be friends with so a) if I say who my source is, he will discredit me and b) he will discredit the mutual friend saying I'm a slag for meeting the friend and that the friend wants to shag me and that's why he would make up these lies. (this friend isn't the only one to have told on him either so I definitely can trust them). I tell him I know and he is just telling me I am insane. I think I could interrupt him mid coitus and
He'd tell me I'm seeing things.

I don't know how to bring it all to light. I could name the girl he's been seeing, that's the level of detail I have. But Im so brain washed, I know this will drive him to her and that's got me scared. I know I should be thinking 'pfft let her have him' but Im not there yet. I desperately want to be. Part of me thinks he'll dispose of me and the job will be done, but perhaps I need to accept that while he won't treat me properly, he won't necessarily let me go either. Since I found out, while he's denying it, he's being clinger than ever - I don't know if that's Because he's losing a bit of control or is sucking up because of what he's done or if nothing is going on anymore (he definitely went distant), or what. I just look at him, knowing he's cheated, unable to confront him.

How do I let go of this tosser and go through with it? No DC and don't live together (I have been keen for this to remain the case -getting more embroiled is bad news), so those things are easy. I really don't want my life to get like some people on here. When is the straw going to break the camels back?

I've not been involved in a relationship like this so can really only offer you my best wishes.

It sounds like you have put up with a lot from him and you know it's enough now. If you believe he is being unfaithful please let this be the straw.

I know you want to avoid confrontation etc but could you do a quick 'Oh I doubt myself over your faithfullness. I know it's not you, it's meeeeee. It's not fair to you, Bye......'

It's always hard to make a change in your life. Your counselling is supporting you to make decisions you know are right. Please believe in yourself and your intuition.

At least you have no dc and don't live together, I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I saw that. Have a read of the Women's Aid website and maybe give them a call. And get hold of this book and watch the scales fall from your eyes.

When is the straw going to break the camels back? When you let it.

FFS, how many more straws can you carry? And why let it get so bad you end up with the clap or herpes or... broken?

If you don't consign this abusive and controlling tosser into orbit around planet offufuck you'll be creating the exact same future you claim you don't want for yourself and, as it happens, you're already living it in the here and now.

Why bother bringing anything 'to light' when you already have all the reasons you need to end it? You're not star crossed lovers; you're wasting your life on a twunt who isn't fit to lick your boots but is filling his at your expense.

Take a look in a mirror. Tell yourself you're worth it and then tell him he's not worth another minute of your time... and MEAN IT because it's true.

It's sometimes harder to get out of an abusive relationship than a normal one, because everything the abuser does is designed to keep you thinking about them, trying to please them, avoiding annoying them, worrying about what they will say, so your whole life revolves around them. When they're gone there's this gap where the drama used to be. Kind of like banging your head against a brick wall; it feels peculiar when you stop and for a while it even hurts more as your circulation gets back to normal. Having no doubt been brought up on the kind of romantic fiction which is tremendous fun to read but no good at all if you try to take it seriously, it is easy to mistake this "where did that brick wall go, I kind of miss it" as love. It's not love, in fact; it's a kind of addiction. Addicts do know, in more rational moments, that their substance of choice isn't good for them, but actually giving the thing up is not so easy. Anyone who says "why don't you just stop" probably hasn't been there.

And oh yes, do read the book OldLady linked, it's brilliant. Your guy is in there, I guarantee it.

It sounds like you've had an awful time of it.

But you sound very clear about what he is and what you have to do. So it really is just about taking that final step isn't it?

But I think you've done the hardest part already. I know it won't feel like that but you've taken off your blinkers and had a hard honest look at who he is and what he is doing to you. That really is one of the hardest things to do in a relationship like this. And you've done it. So now it's about practicalities not emotions.

You've also had a look at yourself by the sounds of it. So you know that you will find it hard but equally, you know it must be done.

And yes, the cheating may well be the easiest 'legitimate' reason to cling to when ending it. It doesn't matter what he says, if you know the truth then you can make decisions based on it.

I'm sure someone more helpful will be along soon but good luck.

"How do I let go of this tosser and go through with it? "

I think you essentially have to go 'off-grid'. Cold turkey. Your abuser knows that you don't like conflict & he won't admit to anything so there's really no point in keeping on trying. I don't know why you're so scared of losing this creep to someone else but all the time that you think being independent is worse than being this man's victim there is no straw that will break this particular camel's back. Your camel is already six feet under.

Avoid conflict by all means but you must avoid him at the same time. Move house, change your phone number, get a different job, make new friends ... whatever it takes to consign him well and truly to a past life. Because, if he can mess up your life this badly even though you don't live together etc. then you've simply got too much contact and he's too influential.

You're going to need friends and family IRL to help you achieve this, I expect. I'd also suggest you talk to your GP, tell them everything you've told us, and see if you can't be referred for some therapy to work out why you are so reliant on an abuser.

Good luck

... x-posted with izzy btw. My post wasn't a contradiction of hers, which is quite right. But it's an acknowledgement that you may need a good deal of telling yourself before you really accept that you are worth much, much more than Mr Cheating Cocklodger.

Your post is shot through with an idea that you need to "break up" with him, explain why you're doing it, confront him, tell him it's because of the cheating.

You don't.

All that is drama. You won't win at drama, he will win.

The only thing you need to do is what Izzy says, change the locks, your phone number and ignore him. Send a one-line "It's over. Do not contact me again" text if it helps make it all crystal clear.

And I wouldn't dignify him with "DP" either - he's a fuckwit STBEx-boyfriend is all.

The one real difficulty I can forsee here is the work situation - do you work actually with him in the same organisation?

Your issue is with yourself.
You already know he is not worth it.

You say "the thought of someone else having him fills me with horror".
But that bit has already happened.

You say "I cant bear it to be over".
Perhaps that is the bit that you need to think about and talk about on here.

You need therapy. X

YOU ARE SO WORTH IT! never doubt that.
You have a whole host of reasons there to kick this arse hole from your life, you don't need to disclose who told you what nor name the person he's shagging. YOU know, that's enough.
I really hope you can find the strength inside yourself to do this, dig deep rely on RL friends and family if you have to but get rid of him.

I agree with Izzy how many straws are you going to allow him to weigh you down with before you see him for what he is.

Good luck x