How can I change my mindset about my inlaws?

[MsMommy]

So my OH and I have a difficult relationship with his parents. Specifically his Dad. He's an odd guy. Socially very inept. He is very tactless and can't make smalltalk. He will only really talk about things that interest him, and top of that list is himself. He has very black and white views which are outdated, and, for example, homophobic, and he will not entertain anyone's else's point of view. He is right, no one else can possibly have an opinion worth listening to.
Our kids do their best with him but he won't ever really play with them, so as a consequence they don't know him as well as their other grandparents and they wriggle away as soon as they can if he swoops in to grab them for a cuddle.
Mostly when he is here he will just read from one of our books or watch TV. And because he has quite narrow tastes and wouldn't entertain making himself some toast for breakfast or getting himself a drink, it's like having another kid here.
When they come the entire visit revolves around him because he won't get up in the morning until about 11am so they always have to stay at least one night (whereas my folks will happily travel up and back just for the day even though the 100 mile distance is comparable). The not getting up is easier now we have a spare room. At least it means the rest of the house can get on while he snores. It was harder when they had to sleep in the lounge.
Anyway they were just here at the weekend and it all went a bit tits up. I find it really hard not to say something when he's spouting some of his intolerant narrow minded views, so that creates tension. There was a breakdown in communication which meant we cooked a load of lunch which they told us they didn't want because they'd just eaten Cornish pasties they bought at the bakers, and then he started to get arsey because he wanted to drive home while it was still light and my OH was trying to do something so they could take stuff with them but there was a problem with it and they ended up being delayed while the FiL got all melodramatic about it and I ended up just getting cross listening to his passive aggressive complaining and marched up and told my OH just to forget what he was trying to do and let them go.
They left in a hurry and afterwards it felt a little bit like I'd just thrown them out. Other than a call to say they got home ok we haven't heard from them since despite sending emails of pics of the kids so I'm wondering if they're a bit pissed off and I feel guilty.
I know I am offish when they're here because he winds me up so much. I try not to be but I am sort of locked into it. And I know it doesn't help. It must feel uncomfortable for them. Worse is that MiL gets caught in the middle. She is very loyal but knows he is difficult and wants at the same time to look after her son and DiL. I know I need to shift my head so I don't get locked into this same pattern. I need to let it go when he says stuff and try not to just get infuriated by how selfish he is and to lighten up and overlook it all. I just need to be warm and friendly and the best hostess I can and stop adding to the tension. Any tips on how?!

ooh eck, sounds like its a bit late really!
Sounds like they got a message quite clearly with that little spat.

Is there any going back from it?

TBH I'd just act as though it had never happened. It's good for him to know that if he gets a bit too arsey someone will bite back, and hopefully he will remember it the next time. But there's no point making any bigger a deal over it than has already been made (unless of course they bring it up).

If he reads or watches tv, then make sure you get a whole lot of dvds and books that he will enjoy, and give him something to do when he's here. I think you need to work out how to spend time with your MIL without him being there, if you can. Can your DH pick her up and bring her to yours for a day or two occasionally without your FIL? Or is he a hopeless incompetent who can't be left on his own at all....

Hee. Yes, he wouldn't easily be left to fend for himself.
Neither Mil or DH can drive tho I would be happy to go down and collect her. But I don't think she would come on her own.
The issue is going forward. I know I need to try to make it easier on all of us when they come. I need to not rise to the wind ups and I need to be more welcoming. But I just seem to have got myself into a rut. Maybe just giving voice to it will be enough to kick myself up the bum and be a better DiL.
I don't know. I was just hoping someone had a magic mantra I could recite which would transform me into this super relaxed and accepting woman. Maybe the answer is a hipflask.

Picture him as a tantruming toddler, which will let you laugh at him (inside!)? I think if you can somehow make him/his comments irrelevant to you and your family, then you will be able to shrug them off.

This could be my FIL. I have found acceptance is the key. I know how he will behave. I don't always like it, but I know what to expect.

I try to remember that DH loves him and so leave him be.

If it gets to much I walk the dogs and I make sure my wine supply is plentiful

I have been known to tell him off too. But I try not to.

I haven't found a magic cure, but I am better at smiling through it...

Ha! That is exactly what he is like. And it's so frustrating because life is tricky and busy enough without us also having to nurture a grown man through his foibles.
But anyway. You are right. Deep breath. Peace and light. Peace and light.
Wish me luck for Christmas Day. :o/

The mantra is mine's a double 'this too must pass' which generally enables me to rise above -twats-- petty irritations

What does your DH think?
Why does everyone think that it is okay to tiptoe around another adult who is making everyone else feel uncomfortable?

Oh OP you could be me. What is it with these middle-aged, stubborn men. It's so odd!

I have learnt to stay out of his way when he is around. And also just have an alternative (secret) plan for what I am going to do with myself when DP's family's requirments cause so many problems that no one can come up with any sort of plan iyswim.

Was wondering what your DP makes of his parents behaviour along with the effects they are having on his family unit. Your children clearly do not like their grandad, their grandparents are actually reaping what they sow here.

Do you really want to continue to see either of them at all?.

If you change anything you need to reset and re-raise your own boundaries with regards to these two as to what is and is not acceptable from them. Both of you must present a united front with regards to these people.

I would not let his wife off the hook here entirely; she clearly goes along with her H out of her own free will. I would not invite them over so often and

You sound like and have been entirely reasonable here but what about them?. They have not apologised for their behaviours. "Normal" rules of familial relations do not apply with regards to his parents.

Treating him as a tantrumming toddler will not help because he is not actually a toddler. Also toddlers grow up; his Dad clearly is stuck at around teenage years. If he is making this all about him I would read up on narcissism.

Weeeeell, not certain I'd recommend this course of action, but I cleared the air with my fil (who sounds frighteningly similar to yours) by yelling at him that he was the most selfish immature person I'd had the misfortune to meet and could he fuck off
We were all on holiday together at the time..
That was a long time ago now, and although I'll never have the same easy relationship with them as I do with my own parents things have improved.
That and the fact they're 250+ miles away helps!

Hee!! You guys make me laugh. Especially @COCKadoodledooo, so thanks for that. :)
It's kind of comforting to know that at least it's not just us.
My DP struggles with his father as much as I do. Maybe more in some respects and it has led to blow ups in the past although we try to avoid it because it doesn't make things any better. FiL just gets defensive and aggressive and thinks we're 'ganging up on him' or other similar playground behaviour. And yes, he is a textbook narcissist.
You're right. If I weren't related to him I wouldn't ordinarily want to see him, but I believe the kids should see their grandparents and it's important that they have access to an extended family.
I can't blame my MiL. She is long suffering and lovely and actually she is a help when she is here because she will spend time playing with the kids while I get on with other stuff. But you're right. It is ridiculous that we all have to walk on eggshells with him and pander to him. But I can't see anything changing that now. He's had it all his life.
I think @impty and @izzyizin probably have the right idea and I will just have to get better at not being so grumpy about it and start drinking early rise above it and paste on a smile. Thanks everyone.

Thought your partner's dad was a narcissist:(.

My FIL is a narcissist and to my mind it is not possible to have a relationship with such a person (we certainly have no real relationship with FIL). My FIL (with the exception of the racist rants) is exactly the same as the person you describe.

If he is too difficult for you as adults to be around (and I note unsurprisingly that your DP has had a difficult relationship with his dad as well) then it is too difficult for your children to be around him. Your children cannot manage him and certainly you can't manage him. If he is a narcissist as you say, he will use your children (and by extension both of you) as narcissistic supply. Not surprised to read either that he gets bored with them easily and has no patience with them, such people do not.

Your children will not get anything positive out of having a relationship with such a person. Narcissists always but always need a willing enabler to help them, this man has that in his wife. I would not therefore let her entirely off the hook here.

Whatever you do, it will never ever be enough for your partner's dad. Appealing to their better nature (well they do not have one) is about as effective as spitting in the ocean. Being nice(r) to them has no effect.

They will not change but you can certainly change how you react to him by you both further raising and enforcing boundaries.

BTW if your DP has never read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina Brown I suggest he does so.

This from the website detailed below:-

www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/index.html

"Given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you're bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. But note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you. Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time".

"It is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists. They're pretty good at maintaining a conventional persona in superficial associations with people who mean absolutely nothing to them, and they'll flatter the hell out of you if you have something they can use or if, for some reason, they perceive you as an authority figure. That is, as long as they think you don't count or they're afraid of you, they'll treat you well enough that you may mistake it for love. But, as soon as you try to get close to them, they'll say that you are too demanding and, if you ever say "I love you," they'll presume that you belong to them as a possession or an appendage, and treat you very very badly right away. Once they know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to use you like an appliance and shove you around like a piece of furniture. If you object, then they'll say that obviously you don't really love them or else you'd let them do whatever they want with you. If you should be so uppity as to express a mind and heart of your own, then they will cut you off just like that, sometimes trashing you and all your friends on the way out the door. The narcissist will treat you just like a broken toy or tool or an unruly body part: "If thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off" [Matt. 18:8]. This means you.

So, yes, it's possible to get along with narcissists, but it's probably not worth bothering with".

Sounds like he may be on the autistic sprectrum to me

The narcissist description above is partly apt but applies to a much younger version I think.
FiL is stuck as an infant and never developed beyond that because his mother died when he was about eight. His subsequent childhood was not very good. But 60 years later he is still blaming that event for everything else in his life. He has never got past it to the point of accepting responsibility for his own choices and behaviours. There are also some mental health issues which can also characteristically be somewhat selfish, or should I say insular, in their manifestation. And yes there may even be somewhere on the autism spectrum because he is obsessed with details. He will note the exact time they leave home and the time when they arrive. He would never say 'the journey took about an hour and a half' he would say 'it took one hour 36'. And he is an obsessive collector, so he will moan about the cost of petrol to come and visit us but then spend hundreds of pounds on train carriages or some old record he found on eBay.
When he comes to us he loves to look through reference books and will completely disregard what anyone else is saying, so we might be having a chat about how DS is doing at school and he'll suddenly say 'Bonanza! Can you believe that ran for 98 years?' And so we all have to have a conversation around his random interjections which have no bearing on what we're actually talking about. Or if we're talking about some problem that one of us might be having with work or one of the kids with their friends, he will always talk about his own experience, which because things are often very different now is not always applicable, and then we end up talking about him and stuff that upset him 20 years ago, instead of what / who we were discussing.
I'm not judging him for this behaviour, it's just who he is, but it does all add to the picture of why I find him an immensely frustrating person to deal with.
Thanks again for all your thoughts and inputs. I'm very grateful to you all taking the time and wish you loads of luck with your own frustrating characters!