I?ve recently got my head around some issues with my mother, and think she falls into the narcissistic mother camp ?. Some of the time she can be great, but has some very strong fixed views on things, and if she doesn?t get her own way, can be very manipulative and difficult. My sister has tended to be the favourite, and I?ve tended to be the one who has been a bit more independent, refusing to always comply, and just wanting my own space to develop my own views and character.
However, whilst getting these bits straight, I worked out that a lot of the relationship difficulty is replicated with my husband.
Both DM and DH can be very controlling ? when I?m caught in the middle of them in a disagreement, my own views or thoughts don?t get a look-in. Neither DM or DH will ever apologize if they are at fault, and it is always (absolutely 100% always) me who has to fix things if we fall out. Both DM and DH seem to know that I am desperate for their approval or affection at times, and they will deliberately withhold it.
Both DM and DH are also are very good at going ?stone-y cold? if things either don?t go their way, and this is probably the bit I find hardest to deal with ? a persistent approach of no eye contact, disapproving glances, unfriendly, no interest in listening to anything you say, criticism, smirks, put-down comments, no hugs or affection, etc?
With my mother, I try to keep trips short enough to not let this get to me, but it still does, and a difficult 24 hours can leave me miserable for days afterwards. We recently had a very difficult 24 hours over a family funeral, and I was absolutely stunned that my mother could behave like that.
At home with DH it is different ? there is nowhere else to escape to, and I try to cope with it for as long as I can but then eventually crack, and we end up having a massive row. I had two days of it this weekend, while still not completely well with the tail-end of flu, and ended up completely losing my temper over something tiny ? it was just the last straw. DH told me I was scare-y when I got so cross over something so small, but it was the accumulation of the entire weekend?s cold-treatment that had just finally got to me.
Part of me feels that at least I stand up for myself ? and I do, regularly ? although I do then feel it is my fault for fighting back and over-reacting. I don?t know if it would be better (with DH) to just not fight back, but it just gets to bursting point eventually, especially if we are both at home and there is nowhere else to go for some time away from him.
If DH and I have a row, he will then actually be a bit nicer for a while, so I think he does listen, but I hate to have to have a row over it first. I?m not sure if he actually loves me anymore, but I think he does actually want to stay married and in general ? on a lot of other aspects ? we do get on very well. Just the emotional bulling at times tears me to bits. I think his parents may have been a bit like this when he was growing up, so I'm not sure if he thinks its normal.
I just seem to spend so much time upset with either keeping DH happy or keeping DM happy. DH has also started being very angry with our elder child, DS (6), when he does something wrong.
I recognize I need to try to sort some of this out, but don?t know where to start. Should I go for counseling on my own? And how do I find where to go? Should I suggest marriage guidance? Can I go to marriage guidance on my own? Has anyone used Relate ? what are they like? Another parenting class ? we both went on one last summer, but I think some of it has worn off.
I know I need to get better at not caring what DH or DM think. I do realize this, and I also realize that me wanting their approval gives them a lot of control, and if I could stop caring it would put me in a stronger position. But I actually want my mum and my husband to be proud of me, of what I do at work, and with the kids. It is very difficult to give that up.