Not even sure what to title this...really unusual problem

[ReallyStrange]

I?ve name changed for this because...well you will see why when you read.

Firstly I want to say I am 100% NOT a troll and have not made this up. But I expect some people will think I have since it?s pretty unbelievable.

I'll try and be as brief as possible. I had an online (yes 100% online) ?relationship? with a man for about a year. We got really close and I felt as though I loved him and he said the same about me. Yes I also realise how stupid this was and yes its projection and a fantasy and not real life and all that stuff. If it had just been a silly online thing and had ended i would have been able to process everything ok.

However a few months ago he told me about an alleged secret he had, which was when he was a teenager he killed another man. When he told me I 100% believed him and was really upset and worried and not sure what to do at all. I didn?t feel like I could tell anyone and didn?t have enough detail to report it even if I felt like I would have been believed (and I shudder to think what that conversation might have gone like...?hello I am from a random country and I think someone got killed but I don?t know exactly when or where?).

I did not stop talking to this person after I found out but of course things broke down over it all and in the end i decided to call it a day.
I?ve been finding it really headfucky mostly because he then got back in touch with me and informed me he was planning to hand himself in in the New Year but until that time was just going to have fun. I have a certain hobby and I he took up the same hobby and began posting pictures of it with his friends, smiling and looking like he was having a whale of a time. In private he is emailing me that he is making plans to put all his affairs in order and ?do the right thing?.

So after a while I began to not believe him at all as his behaviour made no sense to me. I asked lots of times if he was lying to me and he said no he was telling the truth. I have plenty of email and IM conversations where we discuss it so it?s not like I couldn?t prove what he was saying to me which makes me think either he is an unhinged liar and was so confident he?d get me to believe him and I?d keep quiet that he just said all this stuff, or he really did do it. Neither of which are very good options.

I?ve been trying to move on but have been feeling really bad for not saying anything and also don?t seem to be able to let go of my need to find out the truth. In the end I emailed a friend of his who I?d got to know again via online a little bit. She?s upset and doesn?t know what to think but I kind of felt like she had a right to know what sort of person he was and also probably selfishly I didn?t want to deal with it anymore and kind of thought ?you know what let his REAL friends, the ones he spends time with, handle this?. Of course now I feel guilty as anything that I?ve told her and now she has to worry whether this guy is either a murderer or the worst sort of liar. Like I said neither option is good.

I?ve also been struggling with the fact I let myself get so wound up in him, even though I realised quite early on he was bad news for me. I truly felt like I loved him and what makes all this worse is it has been really stressful, yet I know how this sounds..it sounds fucking insane writing it down and i know plenty of people will say it?s not ?real? and therefore I couldn?t possibly be upset about it. But I am. I?ve felt utterly screwed up in the head over it, unsure what to do and didn?t know where to go for advice or what to do.
I have spoken with some people now such as a family member and friends and almost all of them think he is lying about it. They think it all sounds too far-fetched to be true and I agree with them...until I speak with him. Then he does a pretty good impression of someone who is really upset and sorry and tortured and so on...do people really lie about this sort of thing?

I obviously know I cannot have more contact with him. But I feel very guilty about telling his friend and not sure I did the right thing or not. I am also finding it really hard to let go of all this without knowing what the truth is. If it is true..surely someone needs to be told somehow?

Anyway this is long..I know how crazy this sounds, I am not a troll..I?m not sure how to prove it without going to my normal username and I?m really embarrassed to do that but really need some objective perspective here. No need to tell me I?ve been an idiot, I already know that bit.

??? What is it you want mn to answer you on? Somewhat confused....

Erm sorry!

Ok I suppose what I want to know is did I do the wrong thing by informing his friend what he's been telling me?

Also how to go about letting go of something so utterly weird and headfuckey..I have this urge to know the truth that is so strong I'm not sure what to do and it's really affecting my day to day life. Which I know is not good.

I guess I also want to know if anyone else has ever had someone make up something so utterly horrendous before? I mean surely you have to be pretty unwell mentally to do that?

I guess I don't really know what I am asking overall...I'm extremely confused by the whole thing.

sorry it's all so weird.

"do people really lie about this sort of thing? "

Con-artists, fantasists and liars certainly do exist. There are a surprisingly large number of examples of people who have been suckered in by someone telling them very, very tall tales, including things like them being secret agents, on the run from the IRA, wanted for crimes. Read this article about one convicted conman Robert Hendy-Freegard to see an extreme case.

I'd strongly suggest you drop all communications with this person if it's harming you so badly mentally. You may also benefit from talking to your GP about the anxiety who will, of course, treat everything you say as confidential

It's been a couple of weeks since i had any contact and I do want to keep it that way. I just can't let go of worrying whether this is true or not...because if it is there is a man lying somewhere whose family have never known what happened to him.

if it isn't then well...god only knows WHY someone would make this stuff up, he's never taken anything from me apart from my time and attention..maybe that's enough to someone who lies like that. I don't know.

Maybe it's time for you to quit all but the essential online stuff, and get more involved in real life again. Ignoring all the mental murdering stuff, it's not normal or healthy to get so involved in a fantasy relationship, especially for such a long period.

You will probably never know whether he is telling the truth or not (I suspect not), but it doesn't really matter as he is not part of your actual real life.

I've talked to a cousellor about it. I tried to give as few details as possible whilst still telling her what was going on and she got really upset and took it seriously...right up until I said it was an online thing. After that she said it didn't matter. She made me feel like a dickhead for even feeling slightly upset about it, let alone utterly headfucked.

So yea I feel like an idiot on top of all of this. I'm not a total fool, I've got a bloody masters degree ffs.

Oh yes, when I was under massive RL pressure I hid in an online world and got far too involved, including imagining myself in love with a highly unsuitable fellow. It's amazing how real it can feel. Sometimes more intense than being with the person IRL, because there's no reality check. Although there's no proof they're telling the truth, there's no proof they aren't, either, and your imagination fills in the gaps.

I'm sorry to say, people really do lie about that sort of thing and all sorts of other things, because they can. As an honest person yourself, no doubt you would either tell people the truth or decline to discuss the subject. However, quite a lot of players (I'm assuming it's an online game like mine was, but even if it's something like a social forum it's still a game to some participants!) are completely detached from the idea that it's real people on the other end of a modem and behave as if everyone they came in contact with was a computer creation. They can tell you anything. Ten to one your friend's claims to have killed someone, to be contemplating turning himself in and/or suicide, are completely fabricated to make himself sound cool. Maybe it's who he wishes he was.

I know several players who fooled loads of people that they were female. (Still amused when I remember the 21-year-old blonde Swedish "girl" who was sent loads of in-game money, presents and offers of nights of passion from over-sexed adolescents - well, he was Swedish but that was the only bit that was true... Then there was the 18-year-old French "girl" who outed himself accidentally to our large, close-knit guild after a whole year, though to be fair we'd had our doubts. They were very nice photographs; he'd picked them off Google. And the really confusing one with a lesbian couple who met online, one of whom turned out to have been a man; we were really sorry for her partner when the deception came out and she was devastated - then it turned out that possibly the partner wasn't really a woman either... never quite got to the bottom of that one.)

Bottom line is, do not take these online communities seriously. Anyone could claim to be anything, and quite a few do. Step back from the screen, breathe some fresh air, and try not to take any of it too personally.

He sounds v much like a fantasist who has managed to hook you in. I think you need to unhook, and to accept that you actually don't know this man. Maybe look at getting some counselling to help yourself understand how you got into such a situation and how to build more healthy relationships

I am curious- do you speak to him via Skype or are all your exchanges via e-mail?

As an outsider looking in my impression is that there is something wrong with him. He has some sort of personality disorder and enjoys messing other people around.

He is probably just a con artist and thinks saying things like this make him sound mysterious and exciting.

So either he did kill someone or he is lying about it. I would stop all correspondence immediately, print off everything you have and give the lot to the police. They probably wouldn't do anything but you can rest easy that you have done all you can.

Don't tell him what you've done, change your e-mail address or block his and do not contact his friends. Let it all die down and move on in your life.

I type too slow- loads of good advice here, it looks like I have over reacted mentioning the police- sorry.

Block his email and any social network connections you have with him

Do not write or speak with him again

Try to start accepting the fact that you will probably never know the truth or what his deal is and that's okay. It's like an itch you have to force yourself not to scratch, but the more you resist, the sooner it will fade.

If you really feel guilty about it, contact the police in his town and just tell them simply what you know. Then it's up to them if they will do anything.

He is almost certainly lying though. Of course people lie about stuff like this, there's a lot of sick fucks out there.

I can understand why you are upset but it's time to say stop, enough, and start taking steps to completely cut him off and move on with your life.

"So yea I feel like an idiot on top of all of this. I'm not a total fool, I've got a bloody masters degree ffs."

You don't have to be unintelligent to be taken for a ride. But you would be foolish if you carried on letting this tall online tale impact on your real life. Glad you've dropped contact.

I spoke to him via skype. I know certain things to be true such as where he works because I've spoken to him on video whilst he's at work (body piercer, has a room where he can be on pc in between clients. Seen his boss and said hello to him and heard him answer the phone and so on).

Also not a game, an online social forum kind of like facebook, but for a particular interest.

I know that I was not in a very great place when we met and it was easier to 'fill in the gaps' with someone far away rather than risk a real life thing. I also believed when we first met he spent a good portion of the year in the UK and was planning to move here within a few months. So I figured why not if we could meet in person quite soon. Of course that didnt happen. I still cant quite believe its been a whole year.

I know i need to let it go. I do feel like a shit for telling his friend who is now freaking out and due to see him tomorrow night she said and not sure what to do.

But I guess..maybe it's in the hands of those who actually now him in the flesh now. Surely I shouldn't feel guilty for not keeping quiet to them?

Thank you all for being gentle btw I'm not exactly proud of myself right now and am really ashamed of my strong feelings about this.

You won't know if he's lying. If he is, he is unlikely to hand himself in - but he'd have too, and you'd have to see him on the news, to get the truth. It's difficult, but you will have to accept that you will probably never know whether he did kill someone or not, and what the circumstances were. It's possible that he did kill someone but that it was not his fault, and he was let off, but that he has invented a fantasy in his head that makes it sound real and exciting. That could be a coping strategy for him.

You do need to stop talking to him. He has done you no good. It won't be easy. You'll need to pick 72 hours and completely ignore the internet for that period. Keep yourself busy with real life, TV, baking, reading. You need to get over that initial compulsion to speak to him.

Don't talk to his friends, avoid forums and places that he will be, and let yourself heal. He has clearly managed to mess with your head, so you need to withdraw from him completely to get control and feel okay again.

It will be difficult, but you have to do it. It'll get worse and worse if you don't. As he's online, it's easier than if he was "real" - he won't show up at your door, or be at your favourite places. So unplug the internet, or go somewhere where there is no internet, or just distract yourself. You'll get there.

My guess is that he liked the initial excitement of the online relationship. Once you'd both started talking about love he realised that there was nowhere else for it to go, other than risking it all by meeting up IRL.

So he comes up with the idea to ramp it all up a little by making up a story that brings more excitement, gets him plenty of attention from you, but also has the added bonus of making you wary of pushing too hard to meet up.

I would imagine he's telling his RL friend that you're the fantasist and that he was just going along with it for your sake.

Don't be ashamed! I actually think it would be more odd if you didn't have strong feelings about this. It's all quite dramatic and a big burst of reality in your dreams, it's going to be upsetting for a bit.

The important thing is to start taking steps to take back control and let this go and just move on.

We have all done foolish things or fallen for foolish people, it's nothing to be ashamed of, what's important is how we pick ourselves up from it and what we learn from it.

Yea I highly doubt the police would do anything but give me a bollocking for wasting their time.

I think you are all right in that it was extra excitement for him. I do not think he thought I would mention it to anyone. However since I've got him taling about it via email I did send that to his friend just to show I was not the one making it all up.

I'll leave it with her and well..let them deal with it really I suppose. They are the ones who actually spend time with him, they can decide what to do, if anything, about it all.

Still quite weirded out I fell for so much bullshit. I used to pride myself on having a really good Bs radar as well. Jesus.

Have you kept copies of his correspondence with regard to his admission of murder?

If he's lying he still needs a police assessment IMO.

Do police really give people bollockings for wasting their time when they report highly sensitive info like that - You think he may be lying as it is such an abominable thing murder how could he possibly, but why is he making it up?

At worst he's telling the truth, at best he's a lying fantasist who needs help.

Report it to those who are in a better position to make a descision - the police

There is some really good advice on here, the only thing I can add is that you have to come to terms with the fact that you will never know if he is lying or not, if you accept that then your head will be clearer, good luck and happy Christmas to you.

I can't believe you are all wishing OP a merry christmas; yeah don't worry, move away from the computer, he's a liar - How the fuck do you know that?

SirSugar - Well all the info I could give them would be it happened apparently 16-17 years ago, in a city in another country. I dont even know the alleged suburb of said city or have proof of that bit since when we spoke about this the first time it was via a video call. I DO have copies of me saying I think he is lying about killing someone and him saying 'I am not' but thats it. Not exactly much to go on for the police is it?

We don't know he's lying. We do know that the OP is suffering very badly mentally because of this terrible 'secret' she's been saddled with. The options are to either tell the police the full story and leave it with them or to take him on face value that he's going to turn himself in.

"it happened apparently 16-17 years ago, in a city in another country."

So who exactly is this man going to turn himself into if it all happened in another country?

Hi Op

Years ago when I was going through a break up and a divorce, I got myself an old computer and started to talk to people on line because I was so lonely.
At the time I was probably having a bit of a nervous breakdown as well because I had lost a Daughter and another baby, and was stressed beyond belief.

The tinternet provided me with an outlet for getting close to people without having to leave my home, and get attention which I had not got for a long time. it also meant that while my son was asleep I could conduct friendships and act out a life I couldnt do in real life.

I met a guy, and to cut a long story short, was already to move out to the states and marry him, the whole nine yards like you I got sucked in because at the time I know now I was horribly vulnerable. I was on line and got an email to say that on the way to the airport my future fiance had had an accident in his truck, and was in hopsital.

Long story short I was getting emails from his death bed yes his death bed, because someone had got a laptop in to the ICU ward or whatever it was supposed to be, and he was dictating emails allegedly. i then got the email to tell me he had died, and I was devastated. i was was fully taken in completely and utterly, it shattered me, not only because it was so cruel but because I was normally a strong kick arse bird who takes no shit, but there I was broken hearted and devastated over a guy I had never even met.

It was very sophisticated what he did, and I will never know why he did it, it's only because of your post I have just remembered it.

I was pm'd a few days later by a woman who told me that the same guy had been talking to her the whole time whilst he had been doing this to me. She was devastated too, the upshot being I busted him to his wife, I tracked him back through the chat rooms and various other women and had my revenge I suppose you could say.

There are people out there who live lives they wouldnt ordinarily do because they can when behind a screen, it might be true or might not. But it is now not your concern, somehow you need to detach from him, and look at the reasons behind your getting involved on line with him in the first place, what was going on for you etc in real life?

Youve passed on the info to his mate, and it seems a bit weird he is then taking up your hobby and posting all these pics when he knows how you feel. I would cut all contact with him, change screen name etc, and not engage, people do these things for kicks lets face it if he did what he said forensics what they are today will have him bang to rights at some point, you will soon see in the new year if he does hand himself in as well.

Please try and stay calm about this, it's controlling your thoughts and making you anxious, see mates and if you can discuss this with them the more you do the more it will become diluted and lose its power over you

You are not the first or will be the last to be taken in via the tinternet at some point honestly.
x

I think it depends on the city. A number of American cities, for example, have 'cold case' squads that deal with unsolved murders from years ago. They might at least run his name through their records and see if he was ever questioned or a person of interest.

I don't think they would bollock you for approaching them, they might not do anything about it but especially if you approach it as 'look, maybe this is crazy and sorry for potentially wasting your time, but just in case thought you should know this' -- I mean, the police are always telling the public to come forward, better safe than sorry.

There is no statute of limitations on murder (sorry talking US style) and that's an indication of the mindset that even if it takes decades, they will want to find you.