depression in relationships

[A1980]

How does depression affects men?

Suppose a man has serious problems in his life that are nothing to do with you. Has anyone had it affect the relationship adversely and have him essentially go cold on you.

Yes, my husband suffers with depression. He turned into an emotionless robot and has now left me and our 2 dd's. He cannot and will not express any feelings and took to lying and hiding things from me. He still can't understand why I am upset at the end of our 16 year relationship, his response is "it's happened, it's not going to change, learn to deal with it".

I tried to be understanding and support him but he pushed me away along with his family and friends. I am devasted by whats happened but he isn't the person he was anymore.

If you suspect depression, it is important that medical advice is sought and acted upon. If it is a case of life events, or a more nebulous mid-life crisis, leading to unacceptable behaviour towards a partner, then the situation is quite different. It depends on what exactly is going on, and whether there is an obvious precipitating cause that can be tackled. But both partners need to be fully engaged in the solution. One person acting up (or withdrawing) and the other just putting up with it in the (often vain) hope that better days are just round the corner is not a healthy dynamic.

Its more a case of life events: job loss and illness. I'm sure the depression will end when the problems are solved

He's got more and more distant and says he didn't love me anymore.

Do the feelings come back when the depression ends?

It is not as simple as that.
Someone in grip of true clinical depression will remain depressed without therapy intervention and or meds . What ever happens around them.

If it is just a natural reaction to bad stuff and they naturally pick up then yeh maybe.

Is the illness curable and will he get anew job in near future ?

I've experienced this although my conclusion was that the man in question rather enjoyed indulging in his various personal problems and had no intention of resolving any of them. At first it made him vulnerable and endearing. Eventually it made him a selfish PITA to live with.

If someone is suffering clinical depression then they need to seek treatment urgently. If they're just having a bad time of it and in a bad mood they have to find a way work through it. In neither case is it acceptable to make someone else's life miserable in the process.

I am married to someone with longstanding depression. It's shit. Really really hard. I live on eggshells. I am basically living with someone who doesn't like me or anything very much. He's having lots of treatment atm so I'm giving that time to work. It's an awful, selfish disease.

I had a similar experience to Cognito and having spoken to friends of mine with depression, I think they didn't disagree with me. My x had all the therapy and meds money could buy, and it didn't really change anything in him, except perhaps give him the confidence to be even more selfish and abusive. Living with him was so very hard it nearly broke me, it was only when I realised that actually nothing was ever going to change and how very unhappy I was that I had to made changes. He was quite happy really in his status quo.

You have my sympathy. My DH has been depressed for 4.75 years as a result of a work-related "life event". He's been on meds and therapy all that time and I see no improvement, no change in him. He says thre's no other/further treatment, that he can't get better. He is depressed, angry, resentful, bitter, incredibly selfish and inward-looking etc. I know the eggshell walk - painful aren't they? On Sunday he shouted and swore at me and I'd (almost) had enough. His behaviour towards me makes me feel unvalued, uncared for, disrespected. Casual acquaintances at work show me more respect, more care and yes, even more affection than he does - a sad state of affairs. I have told him all this and told him bluntly about the effect on our relationship in a vain hope that it might spur him into doing something to save the relationship. So far his response is to sleep in the spare room.

I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you. How long has this been going on, is he getting treatment and if so, is it having any effect?