Please help. I need some relationship advice.

[NoBrainsAtAll]

I think I have come to the end of the road with my DP. I don't think I love him anymore, I don't think I even care.

There has been no burning platform, not one LTB moment but I find it hard to live with him.

I'm sure I'm difficult to live with too but I have suggested he leaves if things are that bad. As he hasn't, I think I need to take that step. But I have two young children and another one on the way so leaving will be a huge upheaval for us all.

Where do I start?

I thought I was needy but now I know I'm not - and you probably aren't any more needy than the average person either.

For us, it was about understanding our own scripts - ideas about yourself that you are 'given' when you are young. Sorry - I can't 'condense' it well.

The thing was, under all the crap and hurt and disappointment and dissatisfaction, we did actually want to be happy together but we didn't know how.

And SolidGold is right - I did tell myself he must be a good husband because he didn't hit me or piss his wages up the wall.

But there does come a point where enough is enough. I'm just saying that the kind of sad repetition of pattens in a relationship can be broken but you have to both want it and it's hard work. I also think it needs good 'outside' help.

SolidGold I don't know if STBXP thinks I exist to serve him (althought I agree with you that some men do) but he will always let other people do things for him. I refer to it as last person to the bar. So if someone offers to do something or does it DP will sit back and let them rather than realising someone has offered or got up because something needs to be done and thinking, oh I could actually do that instead.

Ironically STBXP actually does more now than he has ever done. Childcare I do most of but that was a joint decision. He does a lot of the housework. I am most definitely not sexually available to him and nor do I want to be. We haven't slept in the same room for about a year.

He thinks he is a good partner and can't understand why I get so cross. From my perspective I've communicated so much I'm fed up of repeating myself.

Tethers end!

LetsFace what you say is very interesting. STBXP and I had very different experiences growing up. Both what we were told and what we saw. For example P has been told how brilliant he is all his life, whereas I can't even remember my parents telling me they loved me. So I automatically think I'm a bit fucked up and often when a situation arises I think I'm to blame.

Also P's parents have been together for 40 years and even though they bicker a lot (about whether the butter is soft enough to spread at my house once!) they obviously are able to work through any differences.

On the other hand my parents separated when I was about 5 and then my mum and stepdad separated when I was a teenager and my mum is now with a complete waste of space. My gps are also divorced as are several aunts and uncles.

I also grew up believing all men are bastards which I must have picked up from somewhere and presumably this plays out in how I behave relationships but on a subconcious level.

This is why I think I'm needy but I think the right person could make me feel loved and valued.

I know it's a huge cliche but the person who needs to make you feel valued is you. You have made a few negative and hsrsh comments about yourself. My Dh s parents had 5 divorces between them and there was a psycho step dad in the mix who left a huge mark on dh s self esteem.I'm not saying don't split with your partner but I am saying that he may not be the root cause of your unhappiness and if you're looking to someone else to make you feel loved and valued, you might end up kissing a lot of frogs

I know it's a huge cliche but the person who needs to make you feel valued is you. You have made a few negative and hsrsh comments about yourself. My Dh s parents had 5 divorces between them and there was a psycho step dad in the mix who left a huge mark on dh s self esteem.I'm not saying don't split with your partner but I am saying that he may not be the root cause of your unhappiness and if you're looking to someone else to make you feel loved and valued, you might end up kissing a lot of frogs

LetsFace I think I'm reaching the same conclusion. A little way upthread I asked 'how do I make sure my needs are met instead of waiting for someone to meet them or not'. But I don't know how to do that.

I don't believe that P is the root cause of my happiness but I don't think he has supported me through my struggles. And this leads to me feeling let down, abandoned, unloved etc on top of what else I might be dealing with at that time.

Yes I used to feel like that too. I can only say that the therapist I saw helped me with that stuff such a lot - in and for myself, as well as looking at the way our relationship worked so that it kept going round in the same sad circle.

LetsFace so perhaps some counselling or therapy would help me, if not us.

Did you have a recommendation or take pot luck from the yellow pages?

And thank you for all your posts, they have been extremely helpful.

I looked at the counselling directory www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

I found someone who was a psychotherapist rather than a counsellor and who had worked in the NHS for a long time. Bacp and/or ukcp registration were important. I wanted someone who was very experienced.

I hope you find good help if you decide to go down that route.

Thanks again LetsFace, I'll look at the link tomorrow. How did you know that you wanted a psychotherapist rather than a counsellor. And why was NHS experience so important?

Sorry for all the questions but I want to make sure I look for the right help for me.

I had some CBT earlier in the year and I didn't rate it at all.

I think you must carry on not for him but for your 2 kids. Please dont make the move in which your kids affected. I think with detailed talk/communication the things will be all right. Keep calm and don't say anything, just listen and react quietly. i am a relationship expert and know how things came down.