A bit of an aibu but also do I say something or not?

[Wereonourway]

I've posted before about abusive ex, we split in August.
I posted only last week about how happy I was now.
Last week was ds 2nd birthday. I invited ex. His family as well as mine and some of ds little friends to my home. Ex thought this was selfish of me as he would feel uncomfortable. He would rather not have had anyone there at all.
I organised cake, food, all of ds presents etc and just wanted ds to be able to spend the afternoon with all who love him. Ds has a great time.
Ex sat in corner on my iPad all night. Made no attorney to interact (even with ds). His family members came but didn't stay long. Ex went home at 5pm, everyone said help and goodbye but didn't really speak to him in between. There was no atmosphere as everyone was talking Amomgst themselves M&S enjoying spending time with ds.
After ex left I got a snotty text from ex mil. My family had made ex feel uncomfortable, must be awful for him M&S she expected better from my side of family, her family wouldn't be like that with me etc.
I was upset, I had put so much effort into giving ds a fantastic day and opened my door to everyone. Ex didn't even get ds a card although he did fiver cash towards his gifts.
Ex mil knows how abusive and narcissistic ex is, she has been on receiving end many times. Ex called my dm a cunt on Facebook, my df recently bought me a new to and washing machine as ex refused to give me mine.y whole family have seen me on rock bottom due to the abuse ex has put me through. Why does mil expect? And why was onus on my family to interact, like I said, he made zero effort also.
I've been stewing on this for days, feel like speaking to ex mil to explain how hurt I am that she even sent the text. Knowing how badly ex has treated me and seeing as he was lucky to even be allowed in my house.
I planned a lovely day. Ds was on cloud nine, opened my door to everyone. Made everyone welcome, desire what that shit has put me through and still end up getting shite like that.
Btw should have said, ex mil lives abroad so wAsnt there. Do I say something, do I leave it and exclude ex next time??

That makes so much sense cogito.
Right now I know he doesn't deserve a say in decisions, ex tells me I'm controlling and that he is as much a parent as me. I know he isn't, he doesn't do meals, story times, bath times, he rarely gets ds dressed, don't think he has EVER brushed his teeth. Doesn't do hair cuts or dr appointments etc.
reading that back it actually breaks my heart that I allow ds to go to his dads when we have such a lovely routine at home. I know I deserve to have the final say because I'm responsible and parent but saying that to ex, even via a solicitor scares the shit out of me.
I know I also need to think of myself, I'm running up his arse yet again to my detriment. I just want my son at home with me where he is thoroughly looked after and cared for

Gosh, recovery is probably a life long thing unfortunately. It sounds more like coping with life after an addiction (by that I mean its a one day at a time, slower and changeable problem). This is beyond childhood splits between boyfriend girlfriend. I can only imagine how tough it is. A friend of mine is now a single parent and sorting out visitation etc. watching her has broadened my own views exponentially. Particularly with us both having kids of similar ages. I get down time when dh gets home, she's 'on' never ending. I admire her greatly and quietly say prayers of thanks that at present I'm not in her situation (and see much more clearly how easy it can all change).

You sound very together. U are thinking this through and taking ur time to do so. Gathering opinions is good and finding ur new path will take time. Ds sounds content from the little described (I hope I'm not leaping to far there!) which shows credit to u.

One step at a time. It's all u can do. Wish exp wasn't such a prick for u. He seems determined to keep a hold on u. Good luck. I sincerely wish u well.

Thank you, I really appreciate your insight.
Ds is marvellous, his emotional development has soared since we left, although he was a preemie who walked late which hindered his social and emotional skills.
I am proud I left, I'm proud I am doing it alone and ds rewards me every day by being so amazingly clever and beautiful. I will always always regret not leaving sooner, my ds deserved so much more.
I am looking into counselling, on the surface I accept I'm not to blame, I recognise he will never change and that his behaviour is put of my control but think I'd benefit from speaking with someone who is experienced with such things.
Thank you once again