I really need some practical advice. I will try to keep this brief but my situation is quite complex and each element impacts on my overall situation.
Ok here goes.
Background: I'm English but met dh overseas when travelling. To cut a long story short I fell pregnant very unexpectedly and after much deliberation decided to have the baby, and also move in with him with the intention of us being a family. He was absolutely delighted that I was pregnant and as I said we were very much in love. We subsequently got married and now have 3 beautiful dc. When i met him, Dh was part of a family business which was around 3 years old. Started with his db and with some financial assistance from his parents. He was working hard and had an episode of extreme stress but he bounced back. I put it down to the effort and hours required with a reasonably new business, I understand what's required with your own business particularly in the early days but that there should be some relief as the business gets established. We were both excited and optimistic.
Flash forward 6 years and I am really unhappy.
Dh has had 3 near breakdowns - one he was hospitalised. He works 6:30am -7:30pm every night. He works at least one day at the weekend. He is forever taking calls and checking emails and has only had about 5 sick days in 6 years- when he had his episodes.
He never takes leave- maybe 8 days a year at the very most.
He didnt take any paternity leave at all with the dc- I had 3 c sections and each time he was back at work the day after I got back from hospital. Ie 4 days post birth. He has strange 'choking' episodes at night and has trouble sleeping.
I can see the stress is intolerable but he is adamant he's ok. He's not. This situation is unacceptable for all of us.
He's not a lazy arse and when he's at home he mucks in with the dc and housework but I still do the vast majority because he's simply not there. He's a fun and caring dad (when he's here) they love him. But I am getting so unhappy and resentful that the impact this business is having on our family. I didn't want dc to do this practically alone. In fact i only had the 3rd because dh PROMISED me things would change. They didn't. There has been a host of broken promises and empty goals that have come to nothing. I am tired, and lonely and resentful. Its starting to affect my feelings for him :( I'm aware my parenting is slipping as they get older and I lose patience and snap more easily or bung them in front of the tv more than I should. :(
Before anyone says this is the payoff for earning a good salary, he doesn't. We are broke. We have nothing. I have been back to work full-time twice and now going back part time. I worked through 2 of my maternity leaves doing contracts from home to make ends meet.
The business is in severe difficulties. It has debt.
After 9 years the business is no longer a start-up. It's established and should be functioning and performing better than it is. Dh is just about running it single handedly.
His db simply doesn't contribute even though he believes he does. He is out of his depth and in all honesty does more harm than good. Dh spends most of his time doing his db's job, micromanaging him or sweeping up after. I won't go into the many examples - but please take my word that this is the case.
His db pulls the same salary from the company as dh and his parents get more. The parents both have admin roles.
His parents lost a lot of money during the recession and now this salary is their only source of income.
I have tried not to be a poor-me, I have made some good friends, tried to maintain my own interests (hard to find time) continued to develop my career and thrown myself into raising my lovely dc. But I miss my family and friends in the uk. I am horribly homesick, I don't like it here and I am starting to mourn my old life in the uk. We can't afford for me to come back to visit. My family are wonderful and visit buf I feel like i have let them down, although i dearly love dh and adore my dc, i cant help but feel that I have made some bad and truly disastrous decisions. I am aware that it could be my situation here rather than genuine homesickness iyswim but either way I'm not happy here, not like this.
I dont want to just moan, i need to change this situation.
I need to get dh out of this business. He could earn 2-3 times what he earns doing the same job for another company. And for (probably) less hours and definitely less stress. There is an alternative, and one that will directly and dramatically improve our lives, he's just choosing not to take it due to family 'loyalty'.
Family obligation is huge. If he leaves the business it would go under - without a doubt. His parents and brother would be forced to go out and get jobs. Something as a family they generally don't do. They are very proud about working for themselves and generally think they are above working for someone else. "only idiots work for other people" That kind of ridiculous attitude.
So dh is under a lot of pressure to keep this business running. At the expense of our family. He wants to make the business work for his own ego too- but realistically and under the 'family steucture' it's not going to. I know that. He just keeps thinking success is around the corner. He's kidding himself because he doesn't want to take action, I think it's selfish. When is enough enough? It's been 6 years of this for me.
Another factor is that mil is extremely controlling, needy and manipulative. I won't go onto examples here but she's treated me appallingly over the last 5 years in order to remain in control of her 'baby' son. She has had health issues which are used to manipulate and guilt trip dh into doing as she pleases. The db in the business is 44, divorced (wonder why?!) and lives with mil and fil ffs.
So I am in a predicament. And a situation I don't want to tolerate or try and make the most of. K need to change things. I have spoken with dh, cried, broken down, argued many times over the last few years. I have made my feeling clear- that he needs to break away from the family business, that we need an identity as a family in our own right, that he needs to be around more to enjoy and raise his family, that we need space from mil. I have a plan:
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sit down with dh and tell him it's time for action and change.
Give a date by which if xyz hadn't happened he's leaving the company. This conversation will be had over Xmas. I will ignore all promises.
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I've booked counselling for jan. I think we'll need to talk about this with a 3rd party after initial discussions.
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get dh to apply for one of the jobs I've seen. When our date arrives he has to find work and leave.
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if the company goes under so be it.
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db gets a job. ILs claim state pension. (probably already are)
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if ILs try to obstruct by guilt/ tripping dh into supporting them financially, I'll call a family meeting.
The 'support' can be split between all 3 sons. (there is another son not part of family business) I would not want to see them suffer but don't feel my dh (and therefore me and my dc) should be solely responsibly for his parents.
In fact ideally they should just support themselves entirely, but maybe I'm getting too bitter and mean.
I do appreciate that there was a lot of naïveté on my part in settling in a foreign country, a very long way from home when i didnt know much about dh's family, or family business, but im aware of my crappy decicions and I've beaten myself up over this for years. I need practical advice on changing my situation rather than a "you knew what you were getting into- lump it"
Can anyone offer any advice on my plan? Am I being fair?
Thank you for reading I know it's long.