What to do- DD 2 ys and pregnant with twins

[NotHappyAtChristmas]

Dh has always had issues with his temper.

It is never directed at me or our DD. Usually lots of stomping about, and slamming of doors etc. Blows over in a short time, if you just ignore it.

Today I decided I have had enough. I got in the bath with DD (2yo) and was having a lovely time, music playing, singing and he was putting the laundry away.

By time we had finished he had worked himself up into a foul mood, starting to pick on things, like the house is a mess/shithole (No, we have a cleaner twice a week, there was some clutter on MY dressing table)

He raged on about how I never take his feelings into consideration, and after 8 years living together I take the piss as it doesn't bother me like it bothers him.

This disproportionate rage went on, and I said I can't live like this, treading on egg shells, wondering who I am about to be dealing with if its the fantastic husband who seems to worship the ground I walk on, who does his share of the child care and house work or a monster who isn't happy until I am in tears.

I said just leave. I needed him out of the house.

He said it was for the best, and that we should send dd to a friend whilst we talked.

He says that I have to accept that he can't change, it's just who he is. I said that he needs to get help for his anger.

The red flag for me is that he said it was my fault for answering back!!!!! If Id let him just get on with it apparently it would have blown out quicker.

He tried to appologise, and hug me but I was still upset & crying, so he was put out that I wasn't thankfull (His dad never appologised to his mum, so he always makes a huge point of it)

He says he's stuck as he can't leave a pregnant wife and DD. He loves me but he says he cannot change and I am miserable because of him.

I just dont know what to do.

Thanks for letting me vent, I thought if I put it in black and white it might make more sense to me.

These babys were very much wanted, IVF as was DD.

If you know my normal posting name (from pregnancy/ antenatal boards), please dont post it as he might know that and I dont want him reading this or being able to link them as I need a calm place to vent.

Just scared.

And confused.

Does he behave like this with work colleagues or in other situations, out of the home and away from you and your dd?

If he is capable of keeping his temper under control in other social situations and with other people and saves his temper tantrums for you and your dd, then he is being emotionally abusive and it must be exhausting and terribly upsetting for you and will be the same for your dd.

He has to do something to change, because if he doesn't, then there's no hope for the future. If that means seeking professional help, then so be it.

I've been in similar situation my ex DH was a controlling, angry person and although never hit he threatened and punched walls/doors etc. I always stood up to him tho but in the end I just got fed up of him trying to control me and I made him leave. It was a tough year as I did love him but am glad its over now. We have our moments now but have learnt to get on for the kids.

Not much help I don't think but I don't think he'll ever change and it really boils down to what u prepared to put up with.

Good luck

oh we've had the "you dont behave like this in work, so you are choosing to be like this" conversation before.

He thinks its unreasonable to expect him to be on his guard, and not able to be himself at home.

Arse. I have to leave him dont I?

I dont want DD or twins growing up feeling they are secure one minute, and then to have the rug pulled from under them the next, and not being sure whats triggered it all or what they have done wrong.

I just don't have the energy and I'm an emotional wreck atm. I have nowhere to go. My sisters husband packed 3 bags out the blue and left her on Wednesday. Mum and Dad are devestated about that so I can't lean on them. Everyone is just so busy with their own lives with it being the holidays.

Bollocks. Sitting her in tears. He is in the spare room.

It sounds awful.
He is basically telling you that you have to put up with him, because he does not want to change. He cant be on guard in his home, but you and soon 3 children should be expected to not only be on your guard, but suffer the brunt of his moods.

He can and should leave a pregnant wife, if he cannot treat her right.

I am asking myself why have I stayed so far?

He is fantastic 95% of the time.

Proper coffee & fresh squeezed juice in bed every day. with a kiss.
Very hands on with DD does the bedtime routine with her everynight, helps get her up in the morning. Does the laundry, walks the dogs etc etc ie he does his share of what needs to be done.

Everything is great in bed, he's considerate/passionate etc

Lots in common, very affectionate, on the same wave length , he "gets me" completely.

Just every so often these outbursts from nowhere. Another flag is that they are getting more frequent. May be weekly at the moment.

Today upset me more than most, but I feel as if I have been conditioned to react in a certain way and now in my hormonal state I cant deal with any of it.

Could you go and stay with your sister for a bit? Some time and space away from your DH will probably help you.

Also, some time on his own may help him realise that he does have to change.

My sister unfortunately is in bits. Never a cross word, together 16 years, married 9, and then trying for their first baby for the last 6 months. Just said he's not happy and has left on Wednesday.

She has got too much on her plate, and the last thing she needs is me landing on her door.

Mum had a stroke a little while ago and its enough for to be dealing with Dsis, but she can't offer any practical help going forward.

He will leave, if I ask him, without too much fuss. I will be painted the bad guy who is throwing him out etc

Financially I don't know how we would cope.

How will I cope with 2 newborn babies on my own and with a toddler?

I just want to stick my fingers in my ears close my eyes and make it all go away.

Off to bed and stare at the ceiling now x