Dh has changed since illness. What do I do?

[boysarelikehogs]

Nc. If you know me, please just keep it to yourself.

Been with dh 15 years, since teens. We've always been a 'normal', happy couple, established, secure and reasonably successful in all areas of our lives. In 2006 he was diagnosed with a degenerative, incurable, painful disease. The last 18 mths it has got worse so he is in pain, to varying degrees most of the time.

For context; he works ft, isn't visably disabled and is generally happy. He has an outdoor semi-physical hobby he loves. However, he has a Blue Badge, is registered disabled and is on very strong meds and under consultant care. He naps every weekend and does no night duties with the DCs (5 &1).

The problems are varied and I'm in bed on my phone so won't go into detail unless asked. The major thing is his temper. He gets so angry, shouts and can storm off to bed or refuse to speak to me for hours (or days). He also loses it with dc1 and makes threats such as cancelling Xmas or taking all his toys, or even smacking his bottom. Ds1 had anxiety issues and dh does this when he is freaking out about, say going to bed (dark etc). I absolutely don't tolerate this and quietly step in to comfort my child. He won't forgive me for days.

It makes me feel like shit. I cry all the time, I walk on egg shells, I feel I don't know him anymore. I am not scared of him physically btw.

I know he's like this because he's exhausted and in pain but what's the answer? I am seriously thinking about leaving him and it breaks me even to type it. I love him but he's changed. His own parents don't even like him much now, though they love him dearly. Please help, I can't go on like this, nor do I want this for my children, but I don't know why I can't imagine/don't want to leave. I want our old relationship back.

He is a decent man and is so scared and ashamed but gets defensive about his behaviour too. Crying as I type.

Is it possible he is depressed? I gather depression sometimes manifests as anger, particularly in men. I think some counselling for him would be a good idea - his life has changed, irreversibly, and maybe he could do with someone to talk it over with ...

Thanks for all the responses. So sorry for any confusion, I am not boysarelikedogs what a stupid nc I did, so close to someone else's.

He is on high dose of ADs, yes I think he is depressed and I definitely think counselling and pain clinic referral would be helpful. He just isn't that open to that sort of thing. He thinks he needs to be "manly" and feels pathetic for not coping. He gets a lot of his identity from being an assertive, no crap, Management type and he sees not coping as a weakness (in himself, he's great with other people, including me when I've had MH issues).

whoputthedickonthesnowman thank you for your post, I'm sorry you are suffering. You have so much more insight than my DH, I'm sure you are easier to live with! It really helps to read what you've written. I do need to be more assertive (I am when it comes to the children, I don't tolerate it, just not when it comes to me). I just feel so sorry for him and he asks me, when he is feeling ok, to try to understand.

We have strategies in place so that when he is feeling 'bad' he can go off to bed to rest/sleep until he feels normal again, thus removing him from us all. However, life with small DCs is unpredictable, he isn't able to do that all the time and I also sometimes think 'well I'd bloody well quite like to sit in bed for an hour and mumsnet after dinner' like he is maybe doing it more than is strictly necessary. But how do I know and really, how does he? Where do you draw the line when trying to prevent something happening (losing temper) when it might not? I think he plays it safe and hides more than he might need to (and it must be tempting when you're tired and hurting; 2 lively DCs at witching hour, versus bed with iPad).

I am also grieving the life I wanted. Always wanted 3 DCs, really struggling to get past that. I am really out-doorsy, as was he (we met doing a job we loved), now he doesn't even want to join me for dog walks. I am used to all that but sometimes it just hits me how far I am from the life I imagined.

I also feel like I cant have those thoughts because it is unbelievably selfish. What about him? He can't walk away from his body and make a new life for himself. Anyway, those aren't reasons I imagine leaving, they are issues I have (mostly) dealt with, but which raise their heads when things are tough and I am feeling sorry for us

Sorry, I am just spewing up what comes into my head, it is helping so much. You are all so kind and supportive.

matthew2002smum He would never have been like this before the illness. I think maybe reducing his hours at work would be a ggod solution but we couldn't afford it. I work 2.5 days and could up this once dc2 gets bigger (at the moment DH struggles to do all the physical stuff: Car seat straps; lifting; nappies (apparently ) but when is he say coming up for 3 thing would be easier I guess. It would break my heart to see less of them but I would do it to help our family. I earn significantly less than him though so we'd have to look at our finances.

God it feels so bleak.

Is he claiming dla etc?
Both of you should talk to someone together ?

If he isn't willing then you go talk to someone ask gp to refer you or the organisation that deals with his illness or local carers org . You need to look after you yourself. Can family and friends help with the dc sometimes? Is there a friend or family dh can go to stay with to give you a break ? And him a break from dc ?

You been plunged into a different life. Both. Is up to you both now how to,manage it and there is help out there....

sorry for identity confusion earlier
would also say apply for DLA - in fact you really need a benefits check? CAB or somewhere? lots of organisations do them. he would be far better reducing work hours, look into tax creds and dla and you'll possibly be no worse off financially.

ps if you earn less than average £100 per week you can get carers allowance if he gets dla. definitely a trip to the carers centre.

So sorry boysarelikehogs. Its all very sad and your feelings are completely valid ... My DH has cancer, holds down a demanding FT job when well enough, is often fatigued and sometimes gets angry (I don't blame him - so do I).

However, he is very self-aware and tries hard not to take it out on others, mostly he manages this. My DSCs are quite grown up now, it must be so much harder for you with little ones.

It is not acceptable for him to be angry with his children. You must say this to him, and he must get some help to manage his pain. That's his responsibility to do, with your support. Your responsibility is to the children while they are so little.

Sorry for the delay.

Firstly, they are not selfish thoughts really are they - because this is your life too, you have your own feelings and as well as being a wife and mum are an entirely individual and separate person. Neither of you chose this but you all have to deal with it. It is hard but your feelings are valid and common.
No he can't chose to leave his body and get a break from it - but you have your children and other responsibilities too, so although you can 'get a break' from the illness you actually can't get a break from the whole situation either, just because you have a different aspect to cope with doesn't diminish the impact that it has or make it any less important or valid.

As uncharitable as it sounds your DH seems stuck in a phase of adjustment where it is very much about him and you just have to pick up the slack. That is unsustainable in the long term and also very unfair. Strategies have been put in place to prevent as much impact on the kids as possible - but it has come from a place of removing him from the situation not him managing his behaviour in any way. He acts without censure and you deal with the fallout.
For everyone's emotional health he needs to start moving forward - acceptance is difficult but the prognosis won't change if you rage against it hard enough. All that will happen is you look back on a life wasted in grief and bitterness - I have no idea how long I'll get but I know that every day I could spend living normally has been spent living normally, identify the issues and work around them as much as you can, do things a different way. I hope with support you all get to a place where illness is not at the forefront of all things, it's a consideration and background noise to your loving family life - it can be done and he, all of you, will be much happier for it. I hope he can accept help to come to terms with things and rebuild the bridges between you x

I sympathise with you hugely. I live with chronic pain and it is hard; it makes me grumpy and tearful and cross. I think that the beginning stages of getting ill (which can last years) you're dealing with so much grief and anxiety. It's a lot to deal with. But ultimately there is no excuse for lots of anger/bad temper/smacking your children.

Counselling could really help. As could a pain clinic. They offer practical support, it isn't wooish or fluffy or just for women. For me, relaxation/meditation has really helped, supports for my joints are invaluable and the thing which has helped really an extraordinary amount is a tempur,memory foam mattress (bought second hand on ebay so not too expensive and you can just get toppers if a big one is too expensive). My pain has been cut in half sleeping on one, and I know others who would say the same. Does he use any disability aids? When you first acquire a disability there can be a lot of pressure not to use anything in case you 'give in' or become dependent on them and stop walking, which I think is utter balls. Since I started using my wheelchair, again, my pain levels are so much more manageable and I still walk at other times because the world is not a wheelchair accessible place and there are so many benefits to doing so if possible. I'm sorry if I've missed somewhere on the thread if you have said he does use them. And he might have too much pride to do so. But honestly, it can make all the difference in the world. If something helps the pain, it's worth using.

snowman your words and insight brought tears to my eyes. You're right, thank you. I hate conflict and lack confidence when it comes to asserting myself. When faced with his anger, frustration and pain I question whether I am 'right' or BU and will try to keep the peace. But inside
I feel so angry. Tearful, furious anger.

moisturiser sorry you are living with a painful condition. I think counselling and pain clinic would be good. He definitely resists using aids to help him. He got his first Blue Badge recently and that really hit him I think.

On Sunday he hurt his back and has been signed off work for weeks and has been in bed since. I am finding it indescribably hard to be even vaguely tolerant, let alone sympathetic and kind. I am not well, the toddler is waking all night and due to dh's back I am no longer able to co sleep in our bed so toddler and I are wedged on chair bed and I'm getting no sleep.

I fear I am becoming a miserable, angry and not nice person. It isn't his fault he's hurt his back. But I still want to (gently) shake him and scream "but what about meeeee?!" I fantasise about a night or two in hospital. Then someone would have to step in and give me a break.

Can you write to him?
Its often easier to get things clear in your own head, and not disintergrate into crying or shouting than in a conversation.
Maybe along the lines of how much you love him and can see how his condition affects him, but also explain that beause of it, you and your needs have changed too.
Use concrete examples, and non-blaming language, like "when you are in a lot of pain it seems that you get frustrated easily/snap at the kids/aren't able to joke about and that you understand that, but give concrete examples of how that makes you feel and things you do need him to do if he can e.g.when I have had the kids all day, it would really help me if you could abc e.g.read to kids/do a specific chore because I would like to xyz

Or maybe get some couples counselling if you think having a neutral third party would help you talk things through.

Can you and DCs book a cheap night away/stay at Gran's as a treat anytime soon?
x

The situation needs to change. You can't go on sleeping on a chair bed with your toddler, especially if you are not well already. You have needs too, and you need to look after yourself as you are doing so much of the care for your children without a break.
You need to talk to him about how he is behaving, and that taking things out on you and your children is not acceptable. I can imagine it's very difficult and that you feel guilty for getting angry, but having an illness and being in pain, is still no excuse for behaving the way he is doing with you and especially your dc, who have no control over the situation. Smacking your child for being afraid of the dark is not on.
My dad had very painful, terminal cancer. Not once did he ever snap at me or my dd. It doesn't have to be a part of an illness.
I don't think this is about getting you a couple of days break. I think you need to at least sit down with him and say that you simply cannot go on living like this and things must change. Personally I would seriously consider leaving if they didn't. It's one thing caring for someone who is taking responsibility for their behaviour and finding ways to manage it. It's too much to ask to relentlessly care for someone who takes everything out on you and your small children and doesn't appear to consider your feelings or needs in any way, in this difficult situation.

Could you be 'together but apart'? If it's the illness that is making him like this, then perhaps he needs to live on his own, and have set 'family time' where he joins the rest of the family. Perhaps an annex which is soley his, or living next door/nearby house. I know this would be expensive, but I have heard of this before. Someone who had a serious head injury which completely changed his personality and he simply couldn't live with the children anymore, but could spend a few hours a week with them. They did actually stay married, but obviously it was a very different relationship.

For everyone's emotional health he needs to start moving forward - acceptance is difficult but the prognosis won't change if you rage against it hard enough.

Agree with this entirely. Your dh thinking that he needs to somehow 'man up' and get on with it is not helpful. Your children are very small; if he realised that he is storing up a bank of miserable scary memories for them he might take a more proactive approach to dealing with his health problems.

It seems he thinks the best way to deal with it is by ignoring his condition and of course it isn't and you all suffer. It's actually a very passive attitude since as long as he does this he is not seeking solutions that will improve everyone's quality of life, including his own.

You say he sees himself as assertive and capable but he is not being so here is he?

You need to help him to face up to his issues around having this illness and also the effect it is having on everyone else. It doesn't make you unsympathetic, showing him how his failure to help himself is hurting you and your children.

But it's easy to say that I know :(