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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just aaaaaaarrrrrgggh

46 replies

Sarahbananabump · 15/12/2012 20:38

I am pissed off .
Have been invited to yet another wedding.

I have been with DP for 5 years now.
Where is my wedding?

All he ever says is "I can't afford a ring" " I have no money" " I will save I promise" blah blah blah.

I would take a plastic 20p ring to be honest .

I just want us to be married.

I want my happy ending .

Sorry - am hormonal ,period 4 days late and we are TTC but BFN .

I so wanted to be married before having a baby but all I ever hear is about other people getting married or engaged .

Rant over .

OP posts:

SundaeGirl · 17/12/2012 20:14

He's Just Not That Into You

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 17/12/2012 20:16

(Sorry haven't read all replies!).

5 years is long enough.

Just TELL him you are both getting married and MEAN it!!!!!

He sounds like he just needs an assertive kick up the a*. If you wait for a guy like that, believe me you'll be waiting forever!

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 17/12/2012 20:19

Plus...
He's not alone, lots of guys are like that - my husband was as well, but I just told him basically that thats what we would be doing in the New Year, and we did.

Good Luck x

Santagotstuckinthechimney · 17/12/2012 20:40

Every time I bring it up though he gets really upset - not in an angry way - in heartbroken way .

I daren't bring it up again for fear of hurting him cause I know he is trying to save .

I just don't want to buy my own engagement ring . I really will not do that - I don't know why. I know many women do nowadays .

In the grand scheme of things it's really not that important to me - we love each other , we are happy , do we really need to have a wedding to prove that?

I don't know - today it doesn't seem that important - it's just when I hear of others that it does .

My parents divorced when I was young so I don't even believe that marriage means forever iyswim.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 17/12/2012 21:09

If it means a lot to you, which reading between the lines, I think it really does. I think you need to somehow talk about this, and you must come up with something constructive and concrete. Don't feel guilty - it's not a crime to want to get married. Like wanting children, it's one of the most natural things in life.
I don't want to be cynical BUT just be careful that he is not dangling a carrot all the time when he tells you that he is saving and gets upset about it - ie. perhaps so that you don't dare go there iyswim.
5 years in my opinion is getting to be far too long to wait. Something should have happened by now, or certainly should very soon. Again, don't want to hurt your feelings, but what if you're in the same position in another 5 year's time. At which point do you do something about it, or do you just wait and wait and wait. Umm I know it's a very difficult one, but some people really do use people you know. I hope he is genuine because you sound really nice.

ArtVandelay · 17/12/2012 21:31

Do you need a ring? I havent got an engagement ring or a wedding ring and I can't say I'm any less happy with my choice of husband. If you didn't take a ring and just ran off and married in secret or a very small affair then money wouldn't come into it.

Narrowboat · 17/12/2012 21:51

Please don't TTC whilst waiting like a lemon to be proposed to. Why would a baby improve things? If you can't afford a ring, then babies tend to cost much more than that.

He could buy a ring tomorrow, and propose tomorrow. But he doesnt't want to. It doesn't 'hurt' him to talk about it, he's just controlling you.

Sorry to be blunt but I think your dp is controlling and I don't think a baby will help. Stop TTC and start working on your self esteem

Santagotstuckinthechimney · 17/12/2012 22:20

I'm not "waiting like a lemon"

It is already agreed , we are getting married we just don't know when!

And I can afford a ring - just dp can't ! I know his financial situation - he isn't poor but he isn't well off either - he pays maintenance for a dd from a previous relationship and he also contributes his fair share to the house .

I know he's not trying to fob me off . It's just he has other financial commitments which come first - but don't we all!

I suppose I'm just being a bit impatient !

And there is also nothing wrong with my self esteem thank you very much! If there were I probably would have LTB on the basis of some of these replies .

I just wanted a rant because I wanted it all to be happening right this minute - but - we have the rest of our lives together , so what's the rush!!

ArtVandelay · 17/12/2012 22:57

So is it then, that you want a wedding - with rings and dress etc. And just getting married is not what you are really after. You want the whole expensive shebang? Not judging you, just trying to figure out why a civil ceremony and no rings does not seem to interest you.

And that's why you have to wait for your DP to have some money.

LilRosiesMum · 17/12/2012 23:06

I didn't want an engagement ring. There are many more things involved in getting married! But I too, really wanted to be married before having kids, and it did feel like a psychological commitment that felt needed before the slightly vulnerable situation of going on unpaid maternity leave etc...

And I did ask him - like you it wasn't the first time it had been mentioned so it wasn't like it was out of the blue. Getting married doesn't have to be expensive - is this his only/main worry? We had a reception party in a room above a pub, 2 friends took on the "project" of decorating it really brilliantly - its got to fit your budget but you can still have a good party!

But if he has any other reason he doesn't want to get married then you've got to have a think about this situation.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 17/12/2012 23:12

There's a reason other than money that he won't marry you. It could be that he's still hoping that Angelina Jolie or whoever will suddenly walk past the door. It could be that he thinks he's really a wild untamed free spirit who can never be chained down. Or it could be that he knows he's got the ultimate doggy treat he can make you bark for, and he doesn't want to use it up just yet.

Santagotstuckinthechimney · 17/12/2012 23:21

I'm not to bothered about the actual wedding - it's the marriage I want .

He just has it in his head that the ring has to be the equivalent of 3 months salary - he wants to be traditional I think ( even though I don't know where he got that from , I thought it was one month!) hence why he is taking so long to save!

As I said earlier the actual wedding isn't the issue - we have that covered !

Santagotstuckinthechimney · 17/12/2012 23:22

*too ( pokes own eyes out with fork)

ArtVandelay · 18/12/2012 08:38

So its got to be completely on his terms and including silly traditional 'rule' ? I don't like the sound of that tbh. He does realise that the stupid rule was probably instigated by the Jeweller's Union or something to encourage sales and therefore a load of cobblers? I'm quite annoyed on your behalf, SGB sounds like she's about right with him as the 'prize' while you are supposed to be passively waiting for his big romantic gesture. I think you should put your foot down and tell him to set a date, its not bleeding Disney! If he won't then you have your answer. Hope it goes your way, good luck.

NeedlesCuties · 18/12/2012 08:47

I think the ring is a red herring, to be honest.

Tell him you'll get married and then he can buy you a fancy ring, an 'engagement ring' at a later stage.

3 months salary is outrageous (although I've heard that before).

In some countries the engagement ring is a plain band (like our wedding rings in the UK) and the actual wedding ring is a sparkly diamond or other precious stone.

I feel for you, OP. You must be very frustrated that he just is refusing to listen to you on this point!

HoFlippinHo · 18/12/2012 08:52

But you haven't got the wedding covered have you?

You haven't set a date or booked anywhere.

I'm with SolidGold and the ultimate doggy treat.

Never mind planning a wedding you need to make sure you are financially secure and independent.

Santagotstuckinthechimney · 18/12/2012 09:09

I was talking with him about this last night . (Talking, not arguing !)

He just said " that's what my dad did for my mum , so that's what I want to do for you"

He says he wants it to be special.

TurnipCake · 18/12/2012 10:04

I said to my ex I wanted us to commit to one another eventually "We'll talk about it when we're living together"

We then moved in together. No engagement. "I want to be able to afford a nice ring for you," he said (he then went on ski trips, bought a plasma TV etc)

But I don't want a ring, I said, I just want to get married. "I want to have a nice wedding though to make it special," he said. Did he feck.

But I don't want a wedding, I said. "I want you to finish medical school," he said. I finish in 2 years, I said. Let's set a date then. No date.

Months and years passed. Friends settled down, got married and I felt that tiny heartsink pang with enough envy to bring tears to my eyes instead of being happy for my loved ones.

I then came to my senses and left his sorry arse. His rubbing-the-salt-in text to me? "To think I was going to propose," Bollocks, he was. In retrospect, I just wanted some form of commitment from him as I wasn't getting any emotionally from him. But echo others, seriously rethink having a child with this guy, if he thinks a ring costs money...

ArtVandelay · 18/12/2012 12:16

But you aren't his mum and you don't want a sodding ring!! It's only special to you if its what you want - its like he's completely ignoring your wishes. Now I really think he's just stalling :(

Santagotstuckinthechimney · 18/12/2012 13:04

Oh I don't know

Maybe il find it under the Christmas tree ....

LisaMed · 18/12/2012 13:15

My engagement ring cost £12.50.

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