New partners child

[cluelesstoday]

I'm after some advice please! My partner of ten months is lovely, thoughtful, kind... bla bla... we get on great, things couldnt be easier really.... he talks long term about mving in together etc... everything is good. But his child (who doesnt live with him but he sees a lot of) has issues with our relationship i think.... Until recently we all got together (my kids, his child) every other weekend and sometimes for tea in the week... to start with everything was great... but i think the novelty has worn off for his child and everytime we got together he threw a tantrum (he is 10!) if he didnt get his way (over minor things). Cutting a long story short, i think basically he doesnt want to share his dad at all, when he sees dad giving attention to anyone else the tantrums start (and they are full blown howlers any 2 year old would be proud of).

I dont think my partner really has any idea how to deal with this and has basically given in to him...and we now dont all get together (partner is very much take the easy non confrontational route). During the last tantrum we spoke to his child and he admitted he didnt ant to spend time with us all, that he would rather have life his way, doesnt care if his dad and i want to be together (Im paraphrasing) DP says his child is dyspraxic and thats the route of the problems. I have little experience of dyspraxia but my understanding is that its a coordination thing, not an emotional response thing....

I realsie kids need time to adapt etc... but we have done the slowly gently approach... and everything was going great....

It now basically means we get very little time together... and over the xmas hols we will see each other for 2 days out of 16, for example.

In a nutshell i think DP doesnt really want to deal with the issue and lets his child manipulate him thru emotional blackmail (plenty of evidence for this). But I cannot see how our relationship can be long term if we dont address this.... so what do i do? how can i sort this out?

Yes read about dyspraxia and ABC the behaviours. A = antecedent (what was happening before) B = behaviour (what form does it take) C = consequences - what was the result of the behaviours.

Have a search on the Jessica Kingsley website for books about dyspraxia, ideally you want one that explains the sensory issues etc as well.

I do think that 10 months isn't that long.

10 months is no time at all, why the rush to play happy families?

BTW an old book, but one that explains the dyspraxia/autism connection very well is Stella Waterhouse's A Positive Approach to Autism. Might be worth getting it from the library.

You are the second wife/partner this child has been involved with. How many others, do you know?

I suspect the last one finding it hard, like you, means it isn't going to change. If he didn't change things for her, or after they split, then why would he change things now? The last woman was his wife and he's let it continue.

I think you're on a no-hoper here.

The dyspraxia (or not) isn't relevant.

Whatever the reasons for the tantrums, if the the father refuses to address it in anyway and just takes the easiest route then this relationship will never work. He will always do what ever he can do to avoid conflict with his son because dealing with the issues is too much like hard work.

He sounds like, dyspraxia or not, someone who takes the path of least resistance out of laziness.

thank you amber i do know youre helping! and i thank you.

yes, perhaps ten months is too soon... thats okay... there is no rush.... but all the same, DP is just sweeping the issue away rather than thinking about dealing with it... i think he just doesnt like tricky situations!

I realise from reading what you have posted how the emotional responses work now, thank you.... and amber, i do think you have a point... dp isnt really being much help!

Some of the responses/behaviours are inconsistent btw dads house and his home... for example, he wont sleep in his own bed at dads but does at home, and indeed on school residentials... his mum has asked him to address this but he wont/hasnt...even i know that consistency is important. But other behaviours (the ones i call bad behaviours) do go unacknowledged by dp... for exampe, dc is very very rude at times,to me and my dc... for example he swear at my dc and they really dont like it... but perhaps rudeness is a reaction. i have never told him off for it, tho i do explain that it isnt very nice....

i cant see how to help really unless we do get together from time to time to get him used to spending time with all of us... i guess thats what i'm saying. I'm certainly in no rush, but there is a problem and the longer it goes on the harder it is to sort out i guess.

Jux, i take your point... there were other issues in that marriage/realtionship that were significant, but i can fully appreciate how she found it hard if she was actually living there and things were like this....

i dont really want to be 2 years down the line and discover nothing is going to change.... its not fair on me or my dc

And the fact that his son's mother has asked him to address the bed issue and he hasn't says everything about his selfish laziness. It would be in his son's best interest to have this sorted out but because his dad can't be arsed, it carries on.

I would be seriously reconsidering seeing him again.

You've done nothing wrong. But on the other hand a ten year old boy doesn't want to share his time with his Dad with somebody else. Why should he want to. I think some sort of compromise will have to be reached for the time being. There's no point in forcing shared time at the moment. That's my opinion. Proceed slowly!

i agree vivienne... and really nothing was forced on him.... its was just play dates at days out... all doing child centred stuff.... i'm just wondering how to move forward... he may never want us around.... does that mean his dad never gets to be in a relationship... because i certainly would never ask him to choose!!

I disagree with the whole 'don't introduce for ages' approach. Meeting DD as a friend on a day out was important for me to see how he reacted to her (fabulous!) Any hesitancy about that relationship and ours would have been over.

It's not about appearing as a 'couple' to the DC - it's about having a day out with a friend. No pressure and a gradual introduction with no pressure or expectation

In your DP's case it does seem as if he hasn't got many parenting skills or maybe that is his approach to parenting?

The thing that strikes me is your DC in this. I wouldn't like my DC being sworn at by his DC...in fact I'd walk unless he sorted it. Do they not matter here?

I don't think you're doing anything 'wrong' either, as Ive said already, I do think six months is a bit soon to involve children, but that is done now.

I think you'll be fighting a losing battle if this man won't parent his child effectively though.

Good luck either way.

Cabbage... that is the approach we took I guess... it was just days out with friends... and my dc really like his dc and him! my youngest has asked every weekend for 8 weeks now when she can see them again....

I did address the swearing thing, i asked dp if i could have a word with his dc, he said yes... so i did, gently gently, but made it clear i wouldnt tolerate it. Dp also dealt with it again about an hour later... but when his dc had a tantrumm dp back tracked and bribed him with all sorts of promises instead of just sticking to his guns.... which is not how i would have dealt with it.

I have explained to my dc about the special needs.. they understand and dont care at the same time!! children are so accepting.... but i did feel i should explain his behaviour to them... and bless them, they do make allowances for it.

as for parenting skills... you could be right.... ive tried to be understanding and think it must be so different to parent a child you dont have living with you all the time... but actually i think the basics still need to be there, and from what i see they arent... theres no bedtimes, no own bed, no manners, that sort of thing.... the child is rude to his dad, his nan, me..... these are basics that i think could be sorted... boundaries and all that!!

but if i say anything am i just criticising where i have no right to? maybe he doesnt have enough experience of parenting? (perhaps!)

On the other hand, after the last tantrum, we did talk and agree we had to sort this together... that isnt happening.

i love this man very much and everything else is great but i will not put myself or my kids thru years of hoping everything will work out in the end if i cant see a basic level of effort going in.... its not like we're talking about integrating our pets... this is his dc....

thanks you for your help in thinking it thru... i think a step back is a good idea and see how he chooses to deal with it, its really not my place to interfere. x