How much do you compromise?

[peacefuloptimist]

Hi all. I am a long-time lurker on the relationship page and this is my first post so apologies in advance if it is a bit long-winded.

I read a thread yesterday on happy relationships and was impressed with the number of people who had managed to stay with their long-term partners for over 10 years. It left me wondering how they had managed to maintain their relationships for that long. Were their partners perfect from the onset or had they had to make significant compromises. Everyone has to compromise sometimes in a healthy relationship but when does the compromising become unhealthy or too much? I find myself in the situation where I am happy with my partner but sometimes worry I am compromising a little bit too much.

Some background. Me and DH have been married 2 1/2 years and were together (but living apart) for 6 months before that. We had a bit of a whirl-wind romance and decided we wanted to get married very quickly. We now have a 3 month DS and are still hopelessly in love. In many ways my DH is my ideal partner. He is caring, kind, loving, affectionate, funny, loyal and devoted. We share goals and interests. He values me and makes me feel cherished. He tells me he loves me everyday and compliments me all the time with extravagent compliments that I know are not true (e.g. most beautiful, best wife, wonderful mum etc). I love my DH very much and enjoy his company more than anyone elses. However our relationship is not perfect and there are some aspects of our relationship which I feel could be better.

1. He doesnt like to spend time together outside of the home. DH spends the bulk of his time with me and DS however he is reluctant to do anything outside of the house (e.g. go to special events like weddings, dinner invites, joint visits to family, day trips, restaraunt outings or even holidays). When we first got together we used to go out a lot and I really enjoyed that. We do have fun together in the house but I feel its important to spend time together outside the domestic setting but he doesnt. When I have discussed with him he listens but doesnt comment (a bit passive aggressive) and if I do push something he will go but make it very obvious he is not enjoying himself which makes me uncomfortable and regretful that I asked him. Now I dont really ask him to go anywhere with me (even to visit my parents) but I feel sad about that.

2. He doesnt really buy me gifts or make any romantic gestures involving money anymore. I know this sounds shallow but gift-giving is a really important way of showing love to me and I spend a lot of money buying gifts for my loved ones. He doesnt value it that much and when I have bought him stuff he doesnt really appreciate it and has sometimes even given my gifts away! The only thing he does ever buy me as a gift is chocolates or cakes and that is not appreciated (for obvious reasons) which I have made clear to him. He gives me about £300 a month to spend on myself which I feel is a big part of why he doesnt buy me gifts. However, I feel that gesture is less romantic than getting me a personal gift that he has thought about which he used to do. What do you think am I being greedy and unappreciative or do I have a point?

3. He is a bit controlling with our family finances. DH pays for everything from his account. He is a bit old-school in that he never wanted me to financially contribute to family essentials like the rent, bills, food etc. However I dont have access to his account so anything beyond the essentials I often have to negotiate with him about. This was fine before as I was working and earning my own money so anything I wanted for the house or myself I could easily get. But now I am not earning money (I have stopped working since I gave birth and am not entitled to maternity pay as I was not employed at my last place of work long enough) I feel its becoming increasingly a problem. My DH is more responsible with money than I am (I admit I am a bit of a spender) but can also be too frugal. I havent made a big issue of this situation as I feel it is temporary ( I plan to go back to work but dont know when) but am worried I am being a bit of a pushover.

My dm and dsis tell me I am making a fuss over nothing and should accept DH as he is as no one can be perfect. A part of me agrees with them and I feel guilty as if I am expecting too much. DH never complains about me by the way except jokingly (e.g. you get upset so quickly, start fights etc) even though I encourage him to be open with me about my faults and know I am not perfect. What do you think am I compromising too much? If not, what do you think I should make an issue of and what should I let go? What do you feel is an acceptable level of compromise and what do you compromise on? I will be very interested to hear others views.

I've been with my dh for 12.5 years and married for 4.5. I have 13 year old dd from previous relationship & we have 3 year old ds. When we first got together I wanted to make sure we were compatible and this was even more important as I had my dd to consider. I loved the way he was with his parents & his siblings. His family had a dog and I loved how caring he was to her. He also made an effort and got along with my family which was really important. He would also socialise with my friends.
It was important to me that we seemed to have been brought up quite similarly and our values were the same.
Over the years we both have made compromises for each. Such as going to events for each other when we don't want to buy know as a family it's what we do.
We are both quite hot headed and like to get our own way so we do argue but normally one of us backs down, sometimes me sometimes dh.
I do feel our relationship is about compromise and taking turns to put the other one first. At the beginning our relationship was perfect and pretty much stayed like that for the first few years which was long enough for me to know he was right for me & my child.
I have 2 bank accounts in my name and my wages go into one and pays the childminder and some bills and dh's goes into the other and pays mortgage and bills. We can both access both accounts and transfer money between the 2.
We work very much as a team and he really is my best friend.
My friends probably think I don't spend enough time with them but tbh after working and looking after kids I'm happy to spend time at home with dh.

Thanks Tumble and CogitO. Your comments about your relationship were helpful. I do feel me and DH are general compatible. He is always telling me I am his bestfriend. I have read about the 5 love languages tumble. My Dh expresses affection more through words of affirmation and physical touch.

CogitO I see your point about him changing because I have backed down, that is partially true. I dont push him as hard to go out with me to places. But I think he stopped doing it more because I stood up to him when he did do it and showed him that it didnt bother me. Before I would get visibly upset and start apologising only to be ignored. After a while though I learned to just get on with what I was doing until he got over his mood and so it became less effective as a tactic for him to use. I dont feel as if I have backed down on important things. I feel more in control of my relationship now then I did at the begining. For example he would have preferred it if I simply stayed at home with him on weekends and went out less but I made it clear that if he was not going to fulfill that need to go out together and do fun things then I would seek fulfillment for that need to socialise elsewhere (i.e. with family and friends). So I say that he has compromised in that respect in that he has accepted that and makes less of a fuss if me and ds go away for a weekend.

I agree having ds has put things in to perspective. I didnt need dh or rely on him before in the same way that I need him and rely on him now. Dont really know how to change that though. Im always going to need him to help with ds.

Handbag, he loves his mum alot but when he was very young his parents split up. My dmil sent dh to live with his GPs for a number of years whilst she was sorting out her situation and making sure she could provide security for him. His GPs are very traditional and he had a very formal relationship with them and he has transferred that upbringing to his dm and all people of a certain generation.

A complicated situation. Can I just ask about this £300 a month he gives you? What is it for? You said you had to justify yourself when asking for money. I agree you should talk about these issues. I find it hard to understand why he doesnt want to go out and wants to stay in a lot.

The £300 is personal spending money I.e. for myself which is fine. The issue is if I want ti get something for ds or something for the house I.e. food, household items etc. As I don't have access to family money I spend it from my own. Dh always says he will pay me back but I feel embarrassed to ask for money back that I have spent on my family. Dh doesn't think we need extras like new bedding, towels,cutlery, toys for ds (he is only 3 months). But I do want these things. Also we are saving up for something big that we both want so that has made him even more cautious with money. I will ask him to transfer a portion of his pay to a shared account which I can access without asking him so that he feels more secure that there is no chance for me to overspend.

Personally I think £300 a month is generous! How much new cutlery etc can you need? And you say youre saving up for something big and you have had debt problems yourself. I think hes being sensible and cautious. sorry!

"I will ask him to transfer a portion of his pay to a shared account which I can access without asking him so that he feels more secure that there is no chance for me to overspend".

And what if he says no?.

I would not do the above anyway as that just gives him even more power in this already unbalanced relationship of power and control. He calls all the shots in your relationship, your desire to compromise has left you severely compromised. You still put you as an adult second through being conditioned to do so in childhood. I would go as far to state that he will never ever give you joint access to the money.

I think you feel that you overspend because its a way of saying that you are unhappy.

I think that both of you also learnt a lot of damaging stuff about relationships when growing up. What do you want to teach your DS about relationships as he grows up?.

This is the way I'm hearing it. You've been irresponsible with money in the past and your DH has kindly bailed you out of debt, something a lot of partners would feel quite resentful of. He pays all of the bills and gives you £300 a month to spend on yourself. To me that seems like a very large amount of money - do you spend every penny every month? Surely you could use some of that to get bedding towels etc. Do you think he's just being cautious by giving you a limited budget? Honestly?

Your DH isn't a sociable person. That's his personality and it's not likely to change but I do think he should make an effort to socialise on rare occasions. My father is the same and it's got to the point where he didn't even go to his own brother's funeral and is not coming to visit me at Christmas - he's just totally retreated. My mother should put her foot down about it but she never has.

The gifts thing is also a personality thing. Does he buy you Christmas/birthday gifts?

I don't think your DH sounds like a bad sort, it sounds like perhaps you're just working out your personality differences. It is a good thing that he now resolves conflict more sensibly - I think you "backing down" somewhat and him no longer sulking is probably just a process of you both beginning to understand how to relate to each other and deal with conflict. Whether the other money issues etc remain a problem depends on how well you can reconcile yourselves to these differences and get past them. Hard to say how well that'll go.

This thread has struck a chord with me. In the early days of my relationship with DH, I found myself in a similar position. Not financially (we still keep our finances separate and pay equal shares of bills etc, we both work full time) but in terms of our social life, he called the shots. If I forced him to do something, he would sulk and ruin it for me. Largely we had a very separate social life.

For us, having DD changed that and he compromises far more than he used to if he sees it is for her good. We have both grown out of arguing and are much better at talking things through, but that is possibly maturity (we met at 19, now 30) on both our parts- our resolution for 2013 is to open a joint account!

Also, £300 seems like a lot of money- we both have, after rent, bills, food, petrol, £150 each for the month and that includes stuff for the house and non-essentials for DD. We manage just fine- he spends his at the pub and I buy things for the house or me or DD- that's our choice!

£300 isn't so much if you end up having to buy food and other essentials with it and then you're embarrassed to ask him to refund you for it.
OP, how does he expect you to pay for those things?

I agree £300 is a lot of money (though its less then a fifth of what I used to earn before I gave up working cause of DS) and I am quite lucky. Thats one of the reasons why I havent really tackled the issue about having access to DHs account or opening a joint account as I felt like I was being too greedy. But I do realise now that in the long-term things cant continue like this so am resolved that I will re-hash this out with DH. I have to admit I am quite bad with money. As we were growing up money was always tight and we often had to miss out on things. When I started working I kind of overcompensated for that and started spending money like it was going out of fashion. Its funny all my siblings apart from the youngest are also big spenders. When I was working I used to give a portion of my salary to my parents. I still give sporadically to my dm when she is in need which sometimes gets me in to trouble leaving me to have to ask DH for more. Anyway I feel a lot more reassured now. I think I just have to accept that I cant change DHs personality completely but can get him to do what I want (which is to go out together) some of the time at least. Also I need to train DS to buy his mother flowers and gifts to compensate for his dad not doing it.

My Dh does not like going out and socialising. The things you have described sound very familiar - retreating, not talking or having a good time if forced to go out. I used to feel annoyed and felt that it was deliberate.Anyway, things came to a head one day and he admitted that he found goung out etc stressful. He has been having therapy for Social Anxiety for about 2 years now. He wants to change because he wants to be able to have fun with the kids. Could your DH have this?
Re money: we have had a joint account since before the kids were born. He prefers me to handle all the bills etc. If £300 is excluding food I think that is loads of money! It is not much if you are spending it on shopping though.