14 Weeks pregnant, boyfriend left me - utterly depressed & alone

[BelleBelle55]

Hello,

This is my first message thread, I am 14 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend of two years has left me. We were together for a year, broke up for a year and then back together for the last year. Not the most stable relationship. Things have been difficult the past 4 months as I had to move country for us to be together and found it very difficult without friends and my work. We broke up late September as we were both unhappy, but decided we wanted to give it until Christmas as we both loved each other. However a week later, I discovered I was unexpectedly pregnant. He does not want to have a child with me as our current relationship is so broken so he asked me to have a termination and for us to work on our relationship.
I couldn't do this, I have had two abortions many years ago and couldn't cope with the guilt again. So I am now in this alone, he has left me and I moved back to England homeless and jobless, trying to find a home and move on. I am finding it very difficult, I feel totally abandoned by the father and unable to feel happy about being pregnant, I feel totally detached from the baby and unsure if I can do this alone. I can't believe he has left me like this, he has such morals.

I suffer from depression and have taken a big hit since all this has happened, I was suicidal last week and have spent many days in bed unable to continue with any normaility. Since this, I have had a few better days and my antidepressants are starting to have an effect. However I can't escape the constant sadness of what has happened. I do not want to be a single mother, yet that is what I am. The father has been in contact sending a few mixed messages, all I want is for him to come back to me and give our family a chance. I know I can't control anyone but myself and that I need to be a strong woman who can do this.. but it's not me, I always knew I couldn't do this, yet i've made this decision and now feel desperately unhappy and like I have been given a lifetime sentance of unhappiness. I worry I will be a terrible mother, I worry the baby will be evil, I worry I won't love it. I feel crazy!

I don't know what advice I am expecting, I just need support, I feel so alone.

You need to get in touch with your midwife. Tell them how you are feeling. You won't be judged at all but they will be able to help you. There a mental health midwives that can offer extra support for you.

I know that you feel like you are alone but you aren't. You need to reach out to people in rl and they will help you I am sure. I was left by my husband when I was pregnant. It is an awful time to go through a break up.

You won't be a bad mummy. You will love your baby. It all just feels impossible now and incompletely understand that. Believe me the thought of dealing with these situations is way worse than. Actually dealing with them.

I do really think you need to get some help from your midwife though. Can you call them tonight or tomorrow?

This man is causing you terrible problems whilst you are pregnant with his child. Please do not believe that this will change when the baby is here. You need to get tough on your own. If he can do this to you whilst you are at your most vulnerable then god knows what else he Iid capable of.

Big hugs and well done for opening up. This is your first positive step of many xxxxx

Do you have any support in rl from friends or family, honey?

Are you living with people you know? How are you managing for money? Are you able to sign on and get job seekers allowance or has a doctor signed you off work?

The mixed messages your ex has given you are par for the course and you are best advised not to place any reliance on him having a change of heart.

It may be that, if guilt gets the better of him, he will suggest some form of reconciliation but IME when a relatiionship is broken any repair is likely to be temporary and you would be foolish to put any reliance on him beng around when you most need him.

In short, you're in this on your own and you're best advised to make your plans and face the future without having any regard as to whether or not he'll step up to the plate be of any use to you.

As nomore has suggested, talk to your doctor or midwife about your feelings and please be reassured that, no matter how they may turn out in later life, children are not born evil.

FTR, I see no reason why any woman should feel guilt about terminating a pg.

The reason(s) you had for doing so previously will always remain valid and, regardless of what those reasons may have been, it wasn't the right time for you to bear a child.

If you were to reach the same conclusion again I, for one, will not condemn you as IMO motherhood is not a path that should be chosen lightly or embarked upon for reasons of sentiment.

FWIW, I don't believe children require a 2-parent family to grow into well-rounded adults and, although I have many reservations about adoption, nor do I believe they need their birth/biological parents to do so.

As you said, if you got an abortion you could not live with it, so deep down you do want this baby.

It takes time to accept that your pregnant and going to be a mum.

I dont think it would if worked anyway if im honest, you would always hold him for the abortion, resent him too.

You have 26 weeks left, to bond/accept things dont be so hard on yourself!!!

As for a single mother, i am one( i had my DS on the 14th decemeber c-section)

My ex told me to get rid, if i kept the baby the relationship would not work. I did everything ever since, he has bought nothing nor asked how i am.

But i can tell you one thing, id do it all over again for him. I did feel 'not pregnant' or it didnt sink in(it still hasnt). I had a good bond with him when he was inside me and i am starting a whole new one now!

Being a mother is really amazing xxx

What the OP has said is that she's had 2 terminations years ago and that she can't cope with the guilt again, bundle. What I'm saying is that she has no need to feel guilty for any decision she's made or makes in these matters.

But, more importantly, many congratulations on the arrival of your ds. How long will you be staying in hospital?

Was your dm with you at the birth and do your dbs have any plans to visit before you go home?

Sorry, I am going to be blunt. Facing up to pain now means avoiding a lifetime of pain later - for you and for the child of a depressed mother.

I think your bf is right and you should not bring a child into the world whose father does not want them with you, and with you unresolved.

Depression is awful, OP, and this is your biggest hurdle, to surmount this, face your deepest hurts and build a life. Don't live a half life. You probably did conceive to 'keep him', which is not fair behaviour, is it? I am so sorry he left, and abandonment is horrible.

We can only be as honest with others as we are with ourselves.

How are you feeling today? Xx

Are you in the UK OP?

Abit curious to know where you get the idea she conceived on purpose? I think your post is blunt enough without the added speculation.