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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

He is trying to control and manipulate me.

16 replies

maltesers · 11/04/2006 22:57

really need advice..am trying to make a go of it with my dp who three weeks ago told me he really had decided that we were finished. He has disassociation disorder which means he finds it hard to relate closely to me. I have in the past been my own person but compliant and emotionally dominated by him. He has an evil temper and if i stand up to him he goes mad. He has got physical recently. We have a 5 yr old between us. His father was very rude to me 4 weeks ago and yesterday came and apoligised but i do find it hard yrt to forgive and take our ds round there to FIL and MIL. Did not want to let him go there today whilst iworked for an hour so DP got very annoyed with me during our phone call so i hung up on him. He tried to call back and for the first time ever i refused to answer 3 calls from him. He then text me saying.2Pick up the phone or call it a day, You can go it alone if this is your attitude !" I text back to say i need your support not your threats, to which he said , "no call,no support " I then asked him to call me and he didnt. A bit later he rang and told me i was causing a rift between him and his parents, which is rubbish. I stood up for myself and he then said he was staying out tonight.
What shall i do ,? normally i would back down end up crying and try to placate him. This time was different. I merely text him later telling him i was disappointed with him and thought he was better than that.
I know he will stay out tonight to upset me further. Where do i go from here??
Instead of worrying bout his parents he needs surely to come home early from work to look after his ds whilst I go to work, and just give me more time to get over his father being so rude to me. What do you think ? ? ? ?

OP posts:

busybusybee · 11/04/2006 23:03

My immediate reaction is ditch him - He doesnt sound like a very nice person, and he is obviously not making you happy

Original poster

maltesers · 11/04/2006 23:09

Think it will go this way Busybusybee, which makes me very sad. But he deserves nothing better. Its sad for our ds who is only 5. Have already been divorced in 1994 and have two teenagers, just cant face going through it all again, and know its truly on the cards.(cry)

OP posts:

kiskidee · 11/04/2006 23:16

((((Hugs))) for you.

you don't deserve someone emotionally blackmailing you for the rest of your life. sounds like he never grew up.

PinkTulips · 11/04/2006 23:17

i'm so sorry maltesers, i remember your thread about you FIL being an asshole the other week, wish things were working out better for you.

i know its hard but if hes been physical with you how long before he tries it with your son though? you obviously know your making the right decision ending it, i hope you find the strength you need to see it through

{{{{{{{{{big hugs}}}}}}}}

Nightynight · 11/04/2006 23:20

oh dear, it doesnt sound promising.
my ex, who is too fond of controlling, is also using support as a threat (ie if I dont do everything he says, he will withdraw it). I am gradually manoeuvring to a state where I can do without it.
Can see that you dont want to divorce again, but you dont want to be dangling on the end of a lead for the rest of your life. my ex uses the phone like a dog lead - he thinks he just yanks on it and I have to come running.

Original poster

maltesers · 12/04/2006 08:46

Thanks for your kind support mn's. He did come back last night and was hoping he might say sorry but instead he was very nasty. Was not rude or insulting. He was furious and told me i was a f...g sicko.(what?) Because I remained strong he didnt like it and finally he said he was going to take our ds of 5 yrs away from me. Know he cant , we are not married. How low can you stoop? to threaten that? Have always said if we split i would never keep ds away from him . unfortunately he came up to bed instead of staying downstairs for the night and was scared he was going to smack me about the head cos he was so cross. Anxious as hell today !

OP posts:

Carmenere · 12/04/2006 08:51

If you are genuinely scared that he will be violent towards you, leave now, today. If there is any chance of sorting things out it may be clearer for both of you if you put a bit of time and space between you.

Piffle · 12/04/2006 08:55

Living in fear is no way of living Maltesers - you've done it alone before, you know you can do it.
Better things await you.
I hope you can get out and that you're ok xxxxxxxxx

Original poster

maltesers · 12/04/2006 09:55

Thanks Piffle and everyone else !Hope he is getting the message. He part works from home and just popped back in to get something. He looked sheepish....

OP posts:

HappyDaddy · 12/04/2006 10:47

Disasocciation disorder sounds like a handy get out clause to me.

Tortington · 12/04/2006 11:33

theres no excuses he's a shit. you dont need his support - what support?

screw him over f any money he has got and dont speak to him again - deleate his number, by texting ally our doing is dancing with him its like smacking a naughty child who doesnt get attention - any attention will do.

pepperpots · 12/04/2006 11:40

Bullies do a great look when they know they are wrong its called sheepish don't fall for it, I put up with a bully for almost five years and he very nearly ruined my life. You will find yourself becoming stronger as i think you did by not answering the phone. But - and i know its a cliche- you really have to put your child and your safety first. If he makes you scared then believe me your ds will feel it too.

adozenroses · 12/04/2006 11:44

Maltesers, I'm very new to this board, but just wanted to offer you support. This is an awful situation for you to be in.

The only advice I can offer is to think of yourself and your 5yr old.

((((hugs))))

Nightynight · 12/04/2006 13:01

ha maltesers, according to dx, Im a weirdo and a freak. He has also used the taking children away threat, and Ive spent years in fear of his moods, and trying to placate him.

I tried to make it work until the last possible second, but it didnt, and in a way I regret wasting the last few years, and not starting my new life sooner. Just, the children appreciated having dx around for that time.

Nightynight · 12/04/2006 13:03

Really feel for you facing this for a second time, but everyone deserves better than a life of fear and insults.

Original poster

maltesers · 13/04/2006 17:50

Thanks again mumsnetters for all your support. Helpful to hear your advice. What i have said is factually absolutely true so your responses are as a result of facts. As it stands he seemed to turn right round yesterday and was sorry for his behaviour and really intends to try again and give our relationship another go . (We had a long talk last night which is fairly unique for him..) I feel the same and guess i will give it 4 weeks or so to see how it pans out. Think if the same old nonsense carries on will have to split...wont hold my breath..as they say you cant teach an old dog new trick. Leopards dont change their spots.

OP posts:

Flip