alcoholic brother at xmas

[mashyup]

My brother is alcohol dependent, he functions but has occasional benders. He is split from his family and I know Christmas will be hard. I can't leave him on his own so I told him he could come to us if he wanted to. I don't know if he will or not, but am panicking in case he comes and gets drunk/maudlin/depressed/aggressive and upsets my dp and more importantly the kids. It might be fine, it might not. Any advice?

Has he in the past gotten maudlin/depressed/aggressive and upset your family?

If so, then yes, it may well happen again. The only inusrance against that is to un-invite him.

I would withdraw your offer. I think you acted purely out of an emotional need within you to try and help your brother which is laudable. However, you as his sister cannot help him, you are also too close to the situation to be of any real help besides which he does not want your help. Enabling him in any way does not help him or you for that matter as it gives you a false sense of control.

Did you actually discuss this within your home before making such an offer?. You have to protect your own family unit; no-one in your house will thank you for inviting him if he turns up drunk or even worse becomes drunk within your home. You certainly cannot serve alcohol to him on the day or even drink it in front of him.

I would be talking to Al-anon if you have not already done so. They are there for people who are affected by a loved ones's drinking. Calling them would be a good thing for you to do if you have not already done so.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

To go alanon get some support and advice. Don't enable him to drink,she it clear whats ok and what's not. If he breaches that I would make him go

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't invite someone round if I knew there was a risk they would be disruptive in any way.

I know he's your bro but alcohol is something he chooses to use and if he were to ruin your Christmas, it would be because he chose to, and that could cause tremendous damage to your relationship with him.

I would hope he declines, but make some clear boundaries as to whether he is coming or not, what time, etc etc and so you aren't expecting him to turn up throughout the day.

When he's not on a bender, can you have a coherent conversation with him? could you draw up a contract with him, saying that you're concerned that he may go on a bender at Christmas, so it would cover things like him not drinking on Xmas day before he arrives, not bringing any alcohol with him and you not serving any whilst he's there.

I have an alcoholic sister - dry now for a year.

I would always involve her in family activities, even when she was drinking. But then the worst that she'd get would involve her being a bit silly or sentimental, which the kids didn't mind. Or her falling asleep on the sofa.

I wouldn't tolerate aggression or crying in front of the children, so if you think this might be on the cards I'd be reluctant to offer hospitality.

And also - I truly love my sister and enjoy her company, drink or sober (preferably sober!). Different rules would apply if we didn't have such a loving relationship.

DH mum is like this... and we are not going to see them as I don't want ds to have to deal with it...she has been told - dh is briefly visting to drop off presents and see his dad - we did go one year when ds was 3 and it was awful- luckily we managed I think to mitigate the impact on ds as he was so young but it took 6 adults staying soberish to navigate her as she was on a bender- never ever again

I would disinvite him unless he is sober - although he may forget that if he gets plastered - if he turns up having drunk turn him away at the door...maybe one of you will need to stay sober to drive him to his house...

We were advised to be very clear and simple no if/buts/maybes just sober yes otherwise no hth

It's also a bit rough on the rest of the family to have to avoid a festive glass of wine with their roast turkey because you've invited an alcoholic.

However, is your brother usually an aggressive or whiny drunk? Or does he just go to sleep? If he is like Shagmunds' sister then it's fine to invite him and also fine not to pay any attention to whether he drinks alcohol or not.

it could go either way, usually gets ratty then falls asleep, or self pitying.Or arrogant. Or all four. He drinks a maintenance amount of alcohol anyway, whether others are drinking or not. Just worried first Christmas away from his family will tip him over into a bad state. I can't leave him on his own. I'll have to kick him out if it goes wrong, but its too far to
take home.