I have suffered with depression and anxiety my whole life and have been receiving treatment for the past 4 years. Back in March I injured myself at work (I am a supervisor in a dementia care home- an old lady fell and I ignored moving and handling guidance and caught her, which probably saved her life as a week later she did the same thing and the staff member involved let her fall, she broke her hip and died in hospital. Seeing how I work for the Church, I stand by what I did -even though I get nothing but stick for it from everyone else who tell me I should have let her fall)I was off work for 11 weeks and went back when my sick pay ran out and would only have received SSP as H was a full time student and only worked part time and I paid the rent and bills and basically all the savings for the wedding came from my wage (wedding Aug ?12).
So, basically, I was bullied back to work. I have been on diazempam, codrydamol and other pain relief constantly since then and am seeing a physio and it is NOT getting better. After the wedding H went full time at work and transferred his uni credits to the OU so he could work and study. I have done 1 shift since the wedding and ended up having a full scale meltdown and have been signed off with debilitating anxiety since the wedding. Things are getting better, having time off to really work on my back strength and use my CBT strategies to help with the anxiety too and my Doctor is a lovely lady. BUT we as a couple haven?t told anyone that I am not working. My parents think I am a bit of an idiot for having depression and routinely say ?just pull yourself together and get on with it? and his mum thinks I am damaged and told him not to marry me because of all my ?issues? which is why I now hide it.
So, because I am at home ?doing nothing? I do all the household chores and stuff, which I generally don?t mind. H has his ?jobs? i.e. taking the bin outside after I have bagged it up and doing the washing up in the evening after I cook dinner and sometimes if I ask he does more but those are his two jobs that are his and his alone. Very occasionally if I am having a bad day, back twinges etc I go to bed early because there is nothing else I can do for the pain, I basically just give up and try to sleep the pain away.
On these occasions H takes it upon himself to turn into the biggest jerk in the world. He doesn?t come to bed until 2am ish (even though he gets up at 7), doesn?t wash up, makes more mess, piles it all into the sink and leaves it to congeal, leaves lights and heat on all night, leaves his clothes all over the sofa and living room floor, doesn?t put his alarm clock on and then shouts and screams at me when he gets up late, doesn?t sort his work clothes out, doesn?t make himself lunch to take, leaves the bin overflowing and the replacement bin bag on the floor, I really could go on...
Aside from leaving the house like this, he also doesn?t shower, brush his teeth or hair or use deodorant unless I MAKE him! I have to supervise it or else he LIES.
This morning I wake up at 8.10am and he is sleeping next to me. He was due in work at 8. It takes him a half hour to get there. Cue shouting and stamping about even though it is HIS fault. He leaves, still shouting, slamming the door.
I get up and it is like 4 teenage boys who HATE me have been nesting in the living room and kitchen. This happens EVERY time I go to bed early; it is like H is trying to punish me. I used to text him angrily and he would come home and we would both shout and scream and cry and then I would just give up and clean up after him. Well, today, something has snapped. I am FED UP not feeling supported by him; I am fed up cleaning up after him like he is a child. I have put the dead bolt on the front door. I have no idea what time he is going to come home after turning up for work over an hour late. But, I don?t want to see him or speak to him. I am completely fed up of feeling like his mother or his hooker or his servant. I don?t really know what I expect to achieve posting this. I am just fed up crying on my own during the day and then pretending I am happy when he gets home.
On top of this, he makes snidey comments about me going back to work. Which makes me feel terrible and a useless waste of space. He wants me to start looking for a new job, but I am signed off until the middle of Jan and it isn?t the job, it is ME. So, maybe all these problems are just down to me being useless.
I really don?t know what to do. I don?t ?do nothing? everyday- I do my OU work, see a physio and dr twice a week, do my CBT therapy, cook, clean, pay bills, etc. I am quite busy.
We have been together 3 ½ years, married since Aug ?12 and want to have a family.