Am I about to make a massive mistake??

[keepcalmandkickon]

I would really appreciate some advice on my current situtaion - I have been with my boyfriend for 4 nearly 5 years and we are living together. We get on, enjoy each others company, make each other laugh, but I just don't think I am in love with him anymore.

There have been issues in our relationships which we have never really resolved, and there certainly isn't that spark between us. I wouldn't say that I fancy him anymore and it feels more like living with a best friend than lover / partner.

Although he does have 'quirks' that drive me mad he isn't abusive, doesn't cheat, doesn't drink, is (on the whole) kind to me, so I wonder whether I am hoping for too much to expect more. Do I need to accept this is a good relationship and put more effort in to it?

I am about to view a flat this afternoon, but worry that if I leave I am going to have made a massive mistake and end up living by myself lonely and isolated. I moved to this area because of him, and would stay here as now have other commitments. I do have some new friends but the thought of me sitting by myself in a flat scares me although I have lived by myself before.

Plus, suppose in 20 years time, I look back and think 'I never should have left'........I know that compared to some people's problems this is all so trivial but would appreciate your thoughts.

Living by myself will mean I am super, super skint and I am really worried about how he will react so would it be easier to just do nothing.......but then, isn't that just wasting my life?

Sorry it is so long just so confused.

I don't know what the unresolved issues are that you mention but your main reasons for staying seem to be a) you'll be lonely otherwise and b) you'll be skint. No matter how nice he is, those don't sound all that convincing to me. Even in a long-term relationship it shouldn't have to be a massive effort to keep things interesting, affection should come naturally. But if you can't be bothered - which it sounds like - maybe things have just run their course and it's time to take a risk and say a friendly goodbye. Are there any children involved?

Look at this in another way..

What of you look back 20yrs from now and think shit wish I had left 20 yrs ago?

If you're not in love with him (and I don't mean "crazy in love" nonsense, I mean being very certain that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and look forward to being with), then leave. It's not fair on you, and it's not fair on him if you can't be fully in the relationship.

cogit0 - no, no children which obv makes things so much easier, but you are right it shouldn't be so much work to keep things interested, especially after just 4 years. I shouldn't stay because I am scared of what might be........

guilty - exactly, I think I would really regret not giving it a go alone, and if it goes wrong well at least I can say that I have tried.

distancecall you're right, its not fair on him either but, I am worried about how he will react - i don't want to hurt him, and am also worried that he will kick off, so will need to make sure have alternatively accomodation sorted before I tell him. Plus, he has always said that if we break up I have to take one of the two dogs which is completely undoable as I would never be able to find anywhere to rent with a dog, and she is a rescue so would get really stressed being seperated from her doggy best friend. I think it is really mean of him, and don't know whether he is bluffing, but it does add another complication.

Thank you everyone!

Well, if you are "worried that he will kick off", and he is setting conditions on you that are not in the best interests of the dogs, he doesn't sound as if he is really quite as nice as your OP states.

No children involved but he's using the dogs as some kind of emotional hand-cuffs? Agree with Anniegetyourgun that he doesn't sound like a nice man to me...

I know anniegetyourgun (love your name btw) it is a really shit thing of him to say (on many different occasions) but I don't know whether he means it or not, he can be really stubborn when he wants to be though. It would be such a shame because we have both put in so much work and time with her to just use her to hurt me is horrible. I would of course still walk them, pay half food, vet bills etc, but I just can't take her - there is no way I could afford to rent somewhere that allowed dogs. It was a joint decision to get her, and he did already have a dog before we got together (which he still has) so he is being a dick by saying that.

If you had just started dating him and you didn't feel the spark, I assume you'd not continue seeing him. So basically, you would be staying with him because you've already stayed with him for 4 years, that's not a reason to spend 40 years with someone. You will be on your own and you will be skint, but you could then meet someone else that does make you happy.

You don't need to be in a relationship at all, so if you end up alone in 20 years time, then you'll still be better off than in an unhappy relationship.

If you will financially struggle in that flat, could you look at a house share for months? It might be less lonely for the innital move and mean it's less of a shock to go from living with him to living alone.

in 20 years time, you will be happy and settled with a good bloke, a family and will look back with relief that you didn't stay with someone that doesn't make you happy

4 years isn't a long time really.

I had a 5 year and a 3 year relationship before meeting DH at 27. Very glad I didn't marry either of them!

You seem concerned with practicalities and the future - which is good- but ultimately, the most important thing is just wanting to be with someone and feeling good about being with them. Without that, all plans are empty and hollow.

How old are you?

Oh and about the dogs - erm he doesn't get to impose any condition whatsoever on you moving out (and I agree the simple fact that he's said this to you is a red flag- makes me wonder if your underlying feelings aren't actually coming from a very good instinct that this guy isn't really to be trusted as a good partner). You simply say no!- and move! He can do nothing about that, of course if he then decides to rehome the other dog that's up to him. Just ignore any nonsense like that.

I hope so anyfucker !

Jim I am 32 (just!) - I know that is not over the hill but you are right, regardless of age I need to be with someone I want to be with, not just someone who I can rub along with without there being too many problems.

Regarding the dog, my sister has said that if worse comes to absolute worse and he does say that he won't keep her then sis will have her until I can find her a new home but it makes me angry that he would treat her like this just because our relationship was over.

Sounds like leaving is a good decision. To save money you could rent a room in a shared place, or become a lodger?

maybe when it comes to it he won't have the heart to get rid of the dog . If he does though, make sure your sister is truly OK to help - and potentially help for quite a long time - and look into re-homing her. Is sad, but your life is more important.

Some very good advice on here.

Don't waste your life being miserable, it's simply to short. If your current partner is not the person you want to spend your life with then you NEED to leave!

Have contingency plans to make sure your dog will have somewhere to go if he is going to be difficult.

You won't be alone and miserable, you will be fine, join some groups make new friends but don't stay in a dead end relationship out of fear!!!