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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No time is a good time but I know it's time to end the agony............Hand holding please....

20 replies

LouMacca · 14/12/2012 12:51

After 4ish miserable years I have made the decision that our marriage can't go on and we need to separate. We've had a particularly rough couple of years and were on the verge of splitting up last year but my H begged me for another chance so we went down the Relate route. Things were better for a while but they have just reversed back to how they were before, infact things feel worse and I wish I'd have the guts to end it last year.

We are basically 2 strangers living under the same roof. My H couldn't be any further emotionally removed from me. We have no conversation. No intermacy. He is not interested in what I do/who I see/my family/HIS own family!! I have tried to talk to him and told him to visit his GP as I think he may be depressed but I know he won't.

He is however a wonderful Dad and he hasn't really done anyting serious i.e. never laid a finger on me although he has been verbally abusive but that has stopped since going to Relate. I just don't love him anymore and I just can't go on like this.

He works hard and has a well paid job. I gave up my job and am a SAHM so am financially reliant on him although I am in the lucky position of having lots of family support some financially and lots emotionally. I have scanned lots of old posts and pretty much know what the future will hold and I have an appointment with a solictor next week.

I don't want to tell him or our DCs before Christmas but need to do it asap and the New Year surely should be a new start for us both. When we were on the verge of breaking up last year he never said I love you please lets work this out - he said I don't want to be alone. I think this speaks volumes.

The reason I've posted is to ask for help as to how I can approach this? My dread is that he will turn nasty then sulky (which is what happened last year) but I can't be sure. It may be a relief for him too. I am scared of his reaction and basically the fact that I can't make him leave the family home. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Thanks.

OP posts:

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 14/12/2012 13:05

If you believe he's going to turn nasty I'd suggest that, whenever it is you talk to him, you have someone else there for moral and physical support. Seeing the solicitor is a good step. The more professional advice and information you get, the better.

Original poster

LouMacca · 14/12/2012 13:11

Thanks Cogito. My brother is taking our DCs for a day/night at short notice when I decide the time is right. I feel like I would be humiliating him and maybe doing him a disservice is I ask someone else to be there. I can't see anyone agreeing to it anyway.

OP posts:

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 14/12/2012 13:21

I'm simply thinking of your safety. His humiliation is neither here nor there. Maybe your brother would agree to the role and someone else look after the DCs temporarily?

Gottabbrave · 14/12/2012 13:23

Hi i feel for you my x partner sounds similar to yours . You realy cant reason with these kind of men.
What i did was the only thing i could, i went to the police and told them i was going to change the locks and was worried about my partners reaction they said any trouble call us.
So thats what i did. The locks were changed that day and i told him by text near the end of his working day that we both tried and im not happy in this relationship and the reason you have to be blunt is im afraid thats all they respond to. His reply was well leave me some clothes outside.
I was afraid of verbal abuse and him not listening and baaming things on me etc.
It was the right thing to do it worked now im happy and for once i was boss. Good luck x

Gottabbrave · 14/12/2012 13:27

izzyizin · 14/12/2012 13:38

Presumably you weren't married to your ex partner and any mortage/tenancy agreement was in your sole name, Gotta?

Without a court order, Lou cannot lawfully lock her h out of their home. If she does so, he is entitled to gain entry by breaking in with the help of the police if necessary.

Original poster

LouMacca · 14/12/2012 13:43

Thanks Gotta but definitely won't be going down that road. We have been married for 14 years and he is the father of my 2 DCs. I'm sure I will get advice from the solicitors of how things may pan out and what I can do.....

OP posts:

neontetra · 14/12/2012 13:50

I would try to be polite but very, very clear when you speak to him, emphasising that this is absolutely it, the end, no sceond chances etc. I think this is fairest. When I ended things with my exh I was never clear enough, we kept having lots of conversations where I thought I was ending it but he just thought I was expressing a degree of discontent - and I think it was this that led to at least some of the unpleasantness. Try to be as positive as you can - keen to keep a good relationship/friendship (if possible) for the sake of the DCs. Amicable splits are possible (though I have never had one), and in your circumstance it sounds like that is certainly what you want.

Original poster

LouMacca · 14/12/2012 13:58

Thanks neon that's really helpful. I absolutely want an amicable split. We have 2 wonderful DCs together and share many friends and happy memories. He has a lot of good qualities but you know it's over when you are thinking about which friend you could set him up with (just trying to lighten my mood!)

It's his birthday early Jan and I know I can't go through the whole sham of a card and present so I am aiming to talk to him between Boxing Day and New Years Eve. I have just spoken to my bro and although he thinks it's best that I speak to H on my own he will definitely be nearby :)

OP posts:

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 14/12/2012 14:02

Glad your DB is being supportive. It may all go smoothly but it's good to know you have back-up (physical as well as moral) if you need it.

Original poster

LouMacca · 16/12/2012 10:12

So my H got in from his Xmas Do on Friday night (well Sat morning) he was worse for wear. Told me he'd been to a strippers club (which was bad enough imo) but then he started mauling me telling me how much prettier I was than the girls there FGS. I told him I was on my period, he stank and to leave me alone. He did.

He then started to tell me how much he loved me. Drink talks I guess because he is never affectionate or loving when he's sober. It was a horrible experience and I am probably deluding myself that my announcement will come as a shock.

Feeling even worse about telling him now but I know I need to do it before New Year for my own sanity!!

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2012 15:42

I feel quite ill on your behalf, Lou

Original poster

LouMacca · 17/12/2012 10:11

Thanks AF I feel a bit ill myself!! I think your input on peoples threads are some of the best I've seen. You talk a lot of sense x

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2012 10:26

Keep checking in, Lou. x

EdithWeston · 17/12/2012 10:45

You may well find that putting your effort into making the necessary plans to separate makes these couple of weeks bearable. For it means you energy will be directed into you and what you and your DCs need, and knowing there is an end in sight and that you are strong and making the right plans to secure a better future are important factors.

izzyizin · 17/12/2012 10:50

I suggest you beat the rush by sourcing a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law now and making an appointment for early January.

Ask friends/acquaintances for recommendations, give your nearest Women's Aid offices www.womensaid.org.uk a call, or post on the Legal matters board. Some solicitors offer a free half an hour initial consultation which should be sufficient to give you an idea of how your joint assets may be divided on divorce.

Don't be temted to let this sad state of affairs drift on for another year; after April 2013 those with low or no income to speak of will not be granted legal aid for divorce unless there is evidence of dv and, as a sahm, you're best advised to get the ball rolling sooner rather than later.

Original poster

LouMacca · 17/12/2012 10:55

Thanks girls - I really, really appreciate your support.

I have a free half hour appointment with a solicitor this Wed so that will give me a better idea of where we stand. The sols is opposite the CBA so will pop in there too first.

Not tempted to let things drift on anymore. Infact I feel like a weight has been lifted by making the decision. Also having told my parents and brother has given me that extra confidence - I know that there is no way they will let me stay miserable.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2012 10:57

olgaga · 17/12/2012 11:21

Hi sorry to hear about all this stress for you. There's some good information and links etc here, it helps to read up on it all before you see a solicitor.

Original poster

LouMacca · 17/12/2012 11:47

Thanks olgaga that's great x

OP posts:

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