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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He'll just never get it...(rant)

16 replies

emkaren · 09/01/2004 19:18

I'm a SAHM with dd1 (2.7) and dd2 (5 months). At the moment I'm also doing a little bit translation work from home, which I worked on this afternoon, while dd1 was at her Gran's. Inbetween working on the computer I cleaned the downstairs and hoovered upstairs, picked up dh's dry-cleaning and kept dd2 amused, who's a very grumpy baby at the moment, not happy to be put down for one moment. When dh came home tonight he was in one of his sarcastic moods, and we were bickering. I then said to him that I had a tiring day today, and he sniggered! I completely flipped - he'll ALWAYS make these little remarks implying that I have SUCH an easy time at home - he would think that, because he thinks that I do what he'd do in my position - sit around watching telly and playing on the PC while letting the girls get on with it. But I don't - I try to give the girls plenty of different experiences, play with them, take them out, while also trying to keep on top of the housework. When I shouted at him for sniggering he backtracked (again), saying of course he knew how hard I worked blahblah... but I know that deep down he still thinks that my life is paradise! He's a great Dad and everything, but this REALLY gets my back up sometimes.
Rant over!

OP posts:

Janstar · 09/01/2004 19:22

My dh never does this yet I still feel really vindicated if he is off work and trying to do something as well as looking after kids and finds it a struggle.

Your dh needs to be given a list of tasks to do while simultaneously minding dds while you go out for the day, just to find out how 'easy' it is.

If he thinks it is such a walkover, he should be glad to accept the challenge.

popsycal · 09/01/2004 19:24

has he had the kids for a whole day?
with a set of household tasks to do at the same time??

motherinferior · 09/01/2004 19:25

Leave him with them for an afternoon, honey. He'll realise he can't even just do the telly and PC option because they'll ask for feeds, playing, attention, nappy changes and so on. I do commiserate. xxxx

jac34 · 09/01/2004 19:36

I'm sure DH thought I did nothing on my days off (I work 3 days a week),until he decided to go P/T and do a day at home to cut down on our childcare and spend more time with the boys. I think they were about 2yo at the time.
It was a great eye-opener for him, he'd pick me up from work, looking stressed,with the words "You'll never believe, the kind of day I've had". However, I did believe it, because I'd had loads of the same kind of days myself.
He really started to appreciate how much I did !!
I agree with Janstar, write him a nice long list and plan a good day out !!!

Roscoe · 09/01/2004 19:44

Yep. Make a nice list of the jobs that you would normally do in a day/afternoon and leave him to it. When you arrive home afterwards make sure you drop lots of comments like "You'll never BELIEVE the day I've had, darling! My mobile rang at least twice and I had to answer it - talk about stress!" He'll soon get the picture...

Crunchie · 09/01/2004 19:53

This is one of my rants too. I mean yes dh does realise that it is hard to look after the kids and do the housework at the same time, which is why he never does it!! He'll look after the kids, but if I so much as ask him to put a load of washing on too - forget it!!

magnum · 09/01/2004 20:02

My dh is at home with my dd (7 months) while I work due to an accident he had just before her birth. He does everything around the house and looks after her brilliantly. My dinner is always on the table when I get in, the house is tidy and dd is clean and happy. He also manages to take her for a walk every day and keeps on top of the washing. This is only a temporary arrangement but I know how hard it is to do what he's doing and when I get in from work I take over the care of dd while he has some 'me' time. If he had never had this opportunity to be a SAHD, I am sure he would be like many others and think to stay at home is a walk in the park. It most certainly is not!

zebra · 09/01/2004 20:31

My DH hates looking after the kids. So much so he even went out & found a job!

Jimjams · 09/01/2004 21:01

oh when my dh does this I arrange a day out- leave a list of jobs (tell him nothing too taxing, just to load the dishwasher etc) and go out until after tea. He doesn't say it very foten then.

I used to work on Saturdays and he didn;t say it at all when he them weekly.

Original poster

emkaren · 09/01/2004 21:16

If I arranged a day out he'd probably get his mum to help him out - looking after the children. Unfortunately (not really, I'm enjoying, just in this context) dd2 is fully breastfed still, not taking a bottle, so that I can't leave her yet.
I've had this discussion/argument sooooooooo many times with him, but he'll just never learn... staying out of his way tonight because otherwise I'll just hit the roof again, and I haven't got the energy for that.

OP posts:

popsycal · 09/01/2004 21:20

emkaren - can you get your mum on your side? How well do you get on with her??

Tortington · 09/01/2004 21:34

how about dont do anything.
let him come home to cook his own tea
let him come home to the house a shit hole
tell him to pick up his own dry cleaning
tell him you would rather watch trisha than do that inconsequential little pissy translation thing you do.
tell him to get his own clothes washed and ironed
to do the kids clothes whilst he's at it becase who knows if you can be arsed next week or not?

weekends are not good for this kind of lesson - sundays are a good start - dont do any washing of clean clothes for a bit - let him run low on his undies - or hide some of them.

let the shopping run low - except for kiddie food

let him snigger at the shit hole he lives in becuase you truly havent done anything for 4 - 5 days

then tell him how undervalued you feel - and if he didnt want to be part of a family "unit" then he should have mentioned it over 3 years ago.

then start to equalize the jobs in the house. your job is looking after the kids no tbeing his sodding maid. if he is not disabled in any way tell him to do some washing twice a week and to cook tea every monday and thursday.

then take up a "modern history of black art" course at the local college - and feck off out once a week

tell him your fed up with competing with the perfect life everyone has and you have come to a "fuck it" lifestyle choice

just some suggestions

Clarinet60 · 09/01/2004 23:29

Brilliant custardo!

This whole thread should be printed and framed, but especially custardo's post!

Do it, emkaren, then make sure you report back to us. (wait till baby is a bit bigger if you have to - but can you last that long?) Your DH needs a check-up from the neck up - no offence, but this kind of attitude makes my blood boil over.

WideWebWitch · 10/01/2004 14:30

Custardo, your post made me laugh and laugh, thanks! I've made my feelings known on this subject before so I won't repeat but go for it emkaren and do report back, please.

Janstar · 10/01/2004 14:35

Go Custardo !

Original poster

emkaren · 10/01/2004 19:24

Well, thanks for all your messages! I laughed very much at Custardo's post, too - very tempting suggestions! Dh and I had a calm(ish) discussion about it all late last night, and he was actually quite remorseful. To make amends he got up with the children today, and will tomorrow, he cooked all our dinner tonight, and I left him and the kids for a little while to go into town and buy myself a new book. So, some success, I suppose, even though I know that this won't have been the last time. I'll consider if I'll do anything more drastic! Thank you all again.

OP posts:

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