i need some advice..(mil related)

[tinkletinklestar]

This may be long, sorry.

Dh & i have had a very on and off relationship with his mum for almost 3 years, when we had dd she turned very critical and quite nasty. over the last few years we have met up and tried to sort things between us but each time something goes wrong and we end up falling out again.

We have all been to blame in one way or another, however she has at times been very spiteful to me and made my life very difficult, i had deep depression after dd and she was awful about me to other family members i reacted and told her exactly what i think about her, i have since apologised.

What im trying to say is we have all been responsible for the relationship not being able to move on, she infuriates Dh the second he sees her. me and Dh have apologised in an attempt to sort things yet she has never once apologised to us. i am not going to list any specific events as it may cloud any advice i get from you all.

mil recently got in touch again, 1) its Christmas and she wants to see dd & 2) dh's dad has a big mouth and has told her we are having another baby (i am 34 weeks and very immobile because of it) Dh stewed on it for a few days and we talked and decided to give it one more try, forgetting everything that has happened in the past and moving on best we can with her, she has never done anything to hurt dd and we know she would be a great grandma to her. so he replied to her and said that she could come round for a cup of tea the week between Christmas and new year (1 week between before my planned section!!)

This is my problem, she is the only person that can make me and Dh argue. he was in a foul mood after speaking to her and wasn't talking to me very nicely and this ended in a massive argument between us about nothing (literally nothing) since he has agreed that we will see her i can't get all the things she has said and done out of my head, all i think is how she makes Dh when she starts and it is me that picks up the pieces when she blows our family apart again.

Tempers flair when we are tired, and with the pressure she will put on us on top of my section, new born baby and dd to settle into life with a baby sister, sleepless nights etc i know for sure it is going to cause alot of stress.

Im sure i really want nothing to do with her, however have always told Dh i will support him no matter what, i have a few ideas on what i can maybe so...

1. tell Dh that i am happy for him to try and rebuild a relationship with his mother and he can be in charge of her seeing dd, however i will not be there at anytime and neither will i have anything to do with her.

2. till Dh i don't want any of us seeing her because i just can't get over the past!

please give me some advice on this as i really don't know what to do!

This ultimately is all about power and control.

You cannot however, move a relationship forward when one person here i.e your MIL remains unreasonable. Such people never take responsibility for their actions nor ever apologise however, you both being at heart reasonable and balanced people keep apologising!. She regards you both as a complete pushover. My guess is that she has blamed you both each and every time for her own actions. She has never apologised has she?. She will not change, you can only change how you react to her.

"Normal" tactics used for dealing with familial relations just do not work when you are dealing with such people so other methods have to be employed here. Both you and DH need and must present a united front to his mother.

Secondly both of you must have clear boundaries as to what is and is not acceptable in terms of behaviour from her. These must be followed through each and every time.

Your H's primary loyalty is to you. Does your H (who is also part of the problem here because he may well have divided loyalties, also he has had a lifetime of conditioning at her hands) actually want any sort of relationship with his mother?. What are his boundaries with regards to her, infact what are yours currently?. Both of you need to decide what is and is not acceptable from her, both of you need to raise your own boundaries a lot higher than they currently are.

How long has it been since MIL last spoke at all reasonably to you both?.

What's DH's dad like; are he and his wife still together?.

You mention that she is a nice grandma to your child but such difficult people like your MIL can more often than not turn out to be an awful grandparent as well by using your child to get back at what she sees as both her "errant" offspring and you. She has also bad mouthed you to other family members, she is not a nice person to be around anyway so why subject your child to all that nonsense. You need to protect her from such malign influences long term.

Re idea number 1 you all come as a package. Do not freeze yourself out like this. Doing so could actually play into her hands, she does not like you anyway so you not being there when she sees her grandchild could give her what she wants.

Idea number 2 is not something that your DH is perhaps amenable to either, he may still want a relationship with his mother. People are conditioned to love their parents no matter how rubbish they are and often go back for more ill treatment hoping against hope their parent gives them the approval they so desparately want but never ultimately receive (hence him going back for one last try with regards to his mother).

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this further explains the dynamics that are going on here.

I'd tell him that you can't forgive the past but that, for his sake, you'll make an effort. BTW It's your home and it's your family, so you should be there as joint head of the household. However, at the same time, agree some boundaries that, if they are crossed, mean that his DM is asked to leave. A code word might be useful for this. Also point out that his behaviour changes when she's around... if he isn't aware already... and that this bothers you far more than anything his parents do.

But really, don't leave your child and DH alone in your home with them. To a bully, that would be a victory.